Thanks For The Head Cold UNH.

By: Lady Meow

It's that time of year again (what a cliche opening sentence, I know) just as we're acquainted with everyone at school, the parties, bars, classes, labs, library, etc we're also getting quite cozy with everyone’s personal microbial pestilence, including myself. Thanks dirty hippie girl on the bus who sneezed on me. Rude. Is it really THAT hard to lift maybe 4 muscles up to your head to cover your mouth? No, no it is not. Last time I checked you can die from the flu asshole. Like what happens if I was to die because that one person didn’t cover their mouth and I was extremely immune deficient or something? That bitch would get away with murder! I wish CSI could trace that person down through DNA and the bacteria or something. Okay, getting ahead of myself and overboard with it. Anyways, I have had a lovely head cold for a couple of days now and have been absolutely miserable. I don’t know how I’ve only skipped one class and I really shouldn’t have gone to others (trust me, I’m not the overachieving type). I also missed work and now next week I won’t get as much money to make my weekly Smiley’s beverage run (The Woodstock Brewery is screaming my name).

Getting sick sucks, you miss out on things that are normally not a bother to you to do like making fun of the girl who tries to hard in life and in class; you know who I’m talking about. Instead, you’re thinking about how you’re going to wipe your nose filled with gallons of backed up mucus and not cause some squalid scene making yourself look a nappyass infestation of life. And of course you don’t want to be the person snuffling all class being super annoying or be the person who blows their nose so loud even the professor stalls for a second because they’re so astounded by the foghorn in the second row. That’s a lot of to think about and you know you’ve done it. Being sick is a cockblock too, you can’t even go out, no one will wanna bang you because you sound as if you talk like Stewie Griffin with a dick down his throat while speaking. Wait, isn’t he gay anyways?

Hmmm, yeah thought so.

Getting sick is completely unavoidable on a college campus and the two certainly don't mix well. Obviously anyone in their right mind would skip class if they were sick, but it results in missing a test/quiz, notes, labs, participation point, etc. I mean it’s understandable to most professors, however what I like to do is shoot them a quick e-mail indicating that you have some sort of contagious illness that health services tested for (upper respiratory infection is always a good one) and won’t be able to make it to class, and I like to do a little kiss-assing as well just to make it more believable. I have a high success rate of professors being perfectly fine with me missing class. I usually get the notes from a friend and do what they need me to do in the meantime until next class pronto.

Getting vaccinated, using hand sanitizer, or any other germaphobe propaganda is a complete waste of money. Vaccine’s rarely work because they inject last year’s inactivated viruses into your body and by this year the virus has already mutated and it’s a new strain; (look Mommy, I know how to use a semi-colon!) therefore, your body will not recognize it and causing you to be sick anyways and probably worse than last year because it has mutated. Again, there’s just no point, don’t fall for the hype. I’ve never been vaccinated and I’ve haven’t had the flu, but also I’m not prone to getting sick too often either because I’m that fucking awesome. If you are exposed to some infirmity you’ll have some sort of immunity so later on when you’re exposed to it again you’re protected. By protecting yourself over and over is only going to lead yourself to more illnesses in the future because you were not exposed to them before and henceforth having your body not create antibodies to protect you in the future. DUH. Some people don't know this though so I feel the need to say it.

I hate Purell/Germ-X; I only use it at work because I have to. But those things are setting us up for a bacterial epidemic, can’t wait. By sanitizing our hands we’re setting bacteria up to mutate and form a resistance to it creating a super bacterium. Once the super bacteria have invaded our world, we cannot protect ourselves from the new ones and then we’re fucked basically. This is elementary shit here, c’mon. But wait, aren’t I contradicting myself from what I just said about getting sick being pretty shitty, yet I don’t get vaccinated and I don’t really protect myself otherwise? Always use a condom though, but that’s a completely different story. Yes of course it blows, but I would rather get some acute pussy illness that affects me for a couple of days rather than rot and be on my deathbed for a month or worse in the hospital. I want to live dammit! So stop coughing on me. Wash your goddamn hands. Stop sneezing into the air then into my food. Where your damn gloves Hoco, Stillings, and Philly workers! And stay home if you’re sick. I’ve tried my best to avoid people all week so far, but I had to go to my exam and lab sorry if I infected you. Sadface.

Feel better UNH. Back to sleep now so I can give myself liver disease this weekend.

Don't worry, tree man isn't contagious.