This alcohol survey seems... off

I was about to start working on one of my midterm essays I have due this week, but then new alcohol awareness survey in my UNH email got my attention. Some of the questions seemed, well like the person who made it had a few too many drinks while making it. Let's take a look.

The survey began with this note to the takers. Notice it says "1 oz of 100 proof alcohol." This seems a bit off because the average proof of hard liquor is 80, meaning it is 40% alcohol. Also, the a shot is actually 1.5 ounces. So either someone doesn't understand how proof or alcohol % works, or they expect me to do way too much math conversion.

And all this time I thought that there were only 7 days in a week. I guess I've always been to hungover to notice that day between Friday and Saturday, "Ican'tmathday."

Does a bear shit in the woods? No seriously does it? And yes, I do drink alcohol. Why else would I be taking this ridiculous survey? Clicking "'I do not socialize', 'party', or 'go out'" for every answer seems lame and boring. Who would do that to themselves?

If by "alcohol-free social events" you mean class... then yes. If not, what type of social events are alcohol free? My 5-year-old cousin's ballet recital? Because I pregamed for that too.

I always go with my favorite caffeinated alcoholic drink "Red Bull." I can't believe they still sell that shit at campus stores. I get so wasted pregaming off Red Bull, suckers!

The survey also asked students to rank how many times they had done certain things over the past year because of drinking, between 0 to more than 8 times, for things such as being hungover, memory loss, missing class etc. However, one of the questions really annoyed me. It asked "How many times have you gotten into a fight or argument because of your drinking?" I think that this is a ridiculous question because a simple argument and a fight are very different. One is my explaining why I'm always right, which happens frequently and the other is a violent, physical confrontation, which I have never done. That's right, I like to drink a lot and I've never been in an actual fight! Shocking, I know. But I feel like this question gives all of us debaters a bad name. A few whiskey drinks in me and I'll argue all night long about anything. It's fun. Violence and fighting are not fun. You don't get arrested for explaining to your roommate why the fact that there are polar bears on the tropical island in Lost doesn't make the show unwatchable. However, if I stabbed him, then yes, I would be arrested.

Stay classy, not UMassy.