Will You Hire Me?

Hey you. Yeah, you there. The one reading this right now. Will you hire me? Before you answer, let me tell you a little bit about myself, the world I live in, my college career and a few things I think I think. Hey, shut up and listen, I’m the one writing this, not you.

This interview is going great.

Every time I turn on the TV to a 24-hour news channel, I basically hear the same thing: jobs, economy, jobs, jobs, economy, gas prices, jobs, unemployment, jobs, economy, OIL!, jobs, economy, jobs, jobs. I think that just about covers it.

And here I am, just over a month away from graduating college with a degree in history and a concentration in modern America, and from what I have been told, apparently there are no jobs. Absolutely nothing. Zero. No possible jobs for anyone.

One of the major issues of the current presidential election is the American economy and the different possibilities to “fix it.” In fact, it could be the deciding factor for the entire election. Will the millionaire with the Harvard degree win or the other millionaire with the Harvard degree win? Let’s face it, the contraceptive crusader does not really stand a chance.

Sorry, I got slightly off track there. Where was I? Oh right, jobs, especially the part about me not having one and having no chance at finding one. Let me present to you, my potential future employer, a brief résumé:

High school graduate? Check. College degree? Check (well, I got this pretty much locked up). Former jobs: miniature golf and ice cream cashier, camp counselor (summer and baseball), and landscaping. Other notable things: student-athlete award winner in high school, will graduate college with honors, National History Honors Society member (Phi Alpha Theta), blogger extraordinaire, three-year columnist for college paper, and I have almost 1,500 followers on Twitter. That’s impressive, right?

Okay, now let me move on to jobs that I think I might actually be qualified to perform:

History researcher. Is this an actual job? Because I am actually pretty good at that, you know, finding interesting articles about things that happened by using online databases. Hey Steven Spielberg, let me fact check your next period film. Sweet, thanks.

History teacher. I know some stuff about American history. Enough to write solid papers and earn good grades, and I’m pretty sure I can create a solid course curriculum. Although, I never did take any education courses at UNH, because I think you can pretty much get teenagers to believe anything you want if you tell them the right way.

Although, I feel like I’d be the type of teacher who would be punished because helicopter parents would complain about me teaching their son or daughter that Christopher Columbus might not have been such a good guy after all.

So, where do I go from here? I mean there really have to be some jobs out there somewhere? Right? I heard that there is a place where the jobs multiply like baby rabbits in the springtime and there are no evil hawks to eat them up. Some say that this job utopia is just a myth. Others swear to have seen it or even been there before. I’m not sure what I believe, but I do know that I will never give up.

There is the old saying, “you have to spend money to make money.” But what if I don’t have any money to spend in the first place in order to make more money back in return? This whole college thing, with the mandatory fees and textbook prices and weekend benders has kind of dried up the old bank account.

I am only 22 years old, but I am ready for the inevitable job hunt in front of me. It will not be easy; it will take blood, sweat and tears, but I will not perish without a fight. The last of the jobs have not dried up, you just have to know where to look. The American dream is still possible; it just is not the same American dream of the generations before us.

I mean come on, with self-motivation like that who wouldn’t want to hire me? So, I will ask you one more time. Will you hire me? Please? Because my parents are going to be pissed if I don’t find a job real soon.

Stay classy, not UMassy.