Bold Predictions

Well I’m done with finals and I have moved back home with my parents. This has been an awesome year and I can’t believe that it is already over. I’m looking forward for the fall; I think that next year will be real fun. It will definitely be nice to make some money this summer, I got a job lined up working at a tree nursery so hopefully the cash will come rolling in. I know that TNH covered the year’s highlights in their final issue, so instead of looking back I’m going to look into the future. Here are my bold predictions for the 2009-2010 school year at UNH and around the world:

UNH Athletics

• The Men’s basketball team will win the American East tournament and make their first ever NCAA appearance, where they will get blown out (by 30 +/- 10) in the first round by UCONN. They have a lot of solid talent returning and the team has continued to improve each year under Coach Herrion.
• Blake Kessel will win Hockey East Defensemen of the year. Kessel was outstanding as a freshman and although at times he played his man a little too tight I think he will continue to improve. He will receive competition from BU goalie Kieran Millan, who will have to settle for Goaltender of the year.
• The men’s hockey team will have a great season, but once again break our hearts in the national tournament. I hate to say it but I don’t think Umile has what it takes to coach a (national) championship team.
• The women’s hockey team will break the curse and bring a National Championship to Durham… only 90% of the campus wont know/care. They have tremendous talent and two of the best goalies in Hockey East who will keep each other fresh down the stretch.
• The football team will give Ball State a run for their money. UNH has beaten a Bowl Subdivision (DIA) team 4 times in the last 5 years, but Ball State is much better than the teams we’ve played in the past. I wouldn’t be surprised by a UNH win but it should be a good game either way.

Campus

• At least one fraternity (remember your country isn’t a cunt) will get shut down.
• A professor will be fired after a lecturing on the theory of evolution. Wait never mind, this isn’t Liberty University.
• SCOPE will rebound from Jimmy Fallon and land a big time homecoming comedian.
• The advising system will be reworked after another year of student complaints.
• SCOPE will also get a decent band for the field house, which will surprisingly be a much better show than the spring climax in the Whit. (I feel like this always happens.)
• Halloween 2009 will feature more arrests than this year’s spring climax weekend.

Other

• A Somalian Pirate will die from Swine Flu.
• Two new flus will cause chaos and then disapear. It will be called "Flugate."
• Al Gore will do something crazy. (Goregate?)
• "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" will be this years "Snakes on a Plane." (Props to RBM for being the first.)
• A big named politician will go to jail.
• Bill O'Reilly will piss me off. Stephen Colbert will make me feel better.
• The greatest teacher sex scandle will occur in the spring of 2010. It will be called "Teachergate."
• There will be at least seven things that happen that the media will dub ____gate.
• 2010 will be known as Mediagate.

That's all I got. I hope that people will continue to read the blog as I get better at writing. It’s still a work in progress. I hope to continue with the recent success. I actually got my 3,000 visitor today and over 7,500 page hits. I’ll gladly take that for my first month and a half. While I’m on the topic the ‘UNH Porn” search experiment has reached 5. Fuckin’ creepers…

Stay classy, not UMassy and have a great summer.

Fuck Yeah Friday

Hello readers. It’s me again. I hope you’re doing well, I’m sorry I never called last night. With finals, summer and graduation rapidly I wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading the blog. Without you guys I would have given up a while ago. Also, once summer comes around I may start posting at a less frequent rate, but do not fear I have big things planned for the fall (with the help of my dear friend Al Gore, I'll fill you in later), including a campus advertising blitz. Alas, loyal readers who will check over the summer I still plan on posting high quality pieces a few times a week. I cannot wait for the fall because I have a feeling things are about to take off, especially if all my plans go through. I will need your help though, please tell others about the blog, the more readers I have, the better the blog will be. Trust me.

Alright back to business. Hey TNH, I really enjoyed today’s paper that looked back on the highs and lows of the year. Except I have one major problem. You completely neglected the underground sensation known as The University of Nonsensical Happenings. I was expecting a piece on the rags to riches story about your truly. How could you not include the awesomeness that is I? UNH blog readers makeup a huge majority of campus… or at least they will in the future… In my imagination…Ok so maybe you were right not to include me. But I expect a headlining article in the fall. You just wait; this will be the biggest thing at UNH since 1893 when the Durham campus first opened. You had a chance to “discover” me before my fame and you blew it. (Although, I must admit that “Thumbs Up” you gave me was one of my proudest moments in my life.) I have had fun poking fun at  you over the last two months and I do this because I know a few of you are blog readers. No harm intended. 

So after about a week of rigorously checking my page hits I have found that two people came across my blog by google searching for UNH porn. Creepers. At approximately  3:00 pm today I made an edit on the Wikipedia article for UNH. This is my second experiment. Comment if you see it, but please do not change it. I want to see how long it lasts before it is taken down. 

I hope you all have a great weekend, I'll be spending mine getting rid of the last of my alcohol. I hope I don't die. And with that I present to you the Felice Brothers with "Whiskey in my Whiskey."

Stay classy, not UMassy.

EDIT: 4:12 pm- It took less then an hour for a wikipedia bot to fix my edit. Somehow they knew that The New Hampshirite wasn't a notable alumni. Which is true because I haven't graduated yet. Hats off to wikipedia, you win this round. If you are a true follower, you will change it back! 

The Truthiness of UNH

Let me start off this article about UNH’s truthiness  by saying I am double tasking while writing this. I am not only writing, but also playing videogames. Double tasking is a huge part of my daily basis, and most students here at UNH would probably agree. I mean sometimes I shave my awesome facial hair while in the shower. Other times I read or do homework on the toilet. College is all about time management, once you are able to figure how to handle your time; the workload is not bad at all. Take advantage of the library hours, they are open until 2am on some days which allows for maximum procrastination. 

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I just say time management is important? Yes, but procrastination is a fine skill to have at UNH and the quicker you are able to master it, the better off you will be. The key to procrastination is understanding what is okay to put off and how to make priorities. For example, I am double tasking right now so I can watch the Bruins rip the Canadians a new one tonight followed by a new South Park, which is supposed to be about pirates. That episode will be awesome.  But you know what would be even awesomer? If the pirates in real life had real pirate ships. If that were the case I would drop out in a second and join those swashbucklers.

Another example of setting priorities is the fact that I have an English paper and a history paper do Friday, another history paper due Monday and a second English paper due next Friday. I know what your thinking. That is a lot of trees I’m killing! BAM! And you thought you wouldn’t have to put up with any other Earth day bullshit. I had to watch Al “I created the Internet” Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth this week. It should have been title “The Inconvenient Truthiness of How to Scare People to Believe in ManBearPig.” Anyways, what I was saying about my essay clusterfuck, I decided to write one English paper this afternoon, the first history paper tomorrow, and second history paper over the weekend (Sunday night) and the second English paper next week (next Thursday night). Notice how I am able to make priorities, by managing my time efficiently and maximizing procrastination all at the same time. That is a skill my friends, and I recommend you take notes, especially with finals rapidly approaching. (Seriously though, take notes in your lectures too, and shut the fuck up. I don’t care how wasted you got last night). Don't over study, that can be a real concern as well, but that is for another post. Oh, do I detect foreshadowing? I guess you will have to keep checking back to find out.

Stay Classy, Not UMassy.