It appears that Swine Flue has gotten the best of people here at UNH. Just recently the Durham Chief of Police ordered SCOPE to purchase 5,000 masks for people to wear at this weekend's Lupe Fiasco concert. Once again SCOPE came up short and they were only able to purchase 300 masks. The masks will be available to the first 300 hundred people who ask, but don't even bother. These masks are too porous and the virus can easily seep through into one's airway. This really is not a big deal because on average only 1-2 people die in a year because of Swine Flu. Compare that to the 35,000-37,000 the die in a given year from the basic human flu. Swine Flu is just another case of the media blowing up something and scaring the public. The same thing happens every year with dozens of different viruses and diseases. Within a few weeks this will all go away and people will realize how badly they overreacted. Here is my equation I developed for the situation: Hyper Media + Ignorant Public = Unnecessary Reactions. Don't be stupid people.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Swine Flu Reaction at UNH
It appears that Swine Flue has gotten the best of people here at UNH. Just recently the Durham Chief of Police ordered SCOPE to purchase 5,000 masks for people to wear at this weekend's Lupe Fiasco concert. Once again SCOPE came up short and they were only able to purchase 300 masks. The masks will be available to the first 300 hundred people who ask, but don't even bother. These masks are too porous and the virus can easily seep through into one's airway. This really is not a big deal because on average only 1-2 people die in a year because of Swine Flu. Compare that to the 35,000-37,000 the die in a given year from the basic human flu. Swine Flu is just another case of the media blowing up something and scaring the public. The same thing happens every year with dozens of different viruses and diseases. Within a few weeks this will all go away and people will realize how badly they overreacted. Here is my equation I developed for the situation: Hyper Media + Ignorant Public = Unnecessary Reactions. Don't be stupid people.
One Month Epic Post
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A Letter to Philbrook Dining Hall
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A Bus to the Beach
Stay classy, not UMassy.
Worst Mom Ever
'They were six months old when they had their first McDonald's,' she said. 'They had chicken nuggets and chips and loved it.
'They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that's healthy.'
'Foods high in salt and fat can lead to diarrhoea, hyperactivity, diabetes and, in extreme cases, fitting and fatal heart attacks.
'These children are at extreme risk of becoming overweight in the near future if their diet continues in this way.'
The house is full of unwashed laundry and piles of toys, and Miss Salt says she and her babies only get dressed and go out once a week to collect her benefits.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday Week Preview
Sunday, April 26, 2009
A Night as The New Hampshirite
Friday, April 24, 2009
Fuck Yeah Friday
Student Body Election Results Rigged, Blog Readers Outraged
After viewing the results of this years student body elections I have come to the conclusion that the election was rigged. If you look at the figures it is quite obvious that foul play was conducted. According to today’s article by Michaela Christensen in TNH about the election, only 1,958 out of 11,720 students voted. At the time of the election this blog had recorded over 1,000 faithful visitors. Over the past week I wrote two articles not only encouraging students to vote, but also expressing my candidate of choice, Chris McGown. However, McGown and his running mate Brendan Jones only recorded 413 votes, which was good for a third place finish. (At least they beat the kid who wore the sweater vest; I told you that wouldn’t end well.) I know my readers, and they would jump off a bridge if I told them too. So how could they not vote for the candidate I backed? This leads to two possible explanations:
- Blackboard malfunctioned and gave votes to the wrong people.
- The university realized that my blog single handedly decided who would win the election. They didn’t want me to realize my influential power so over 600 votes weren’t counted. That’s voter fraud, bitches.
Either way, that means that I was responsible for over half the voters in this year’s election. You’re welcome, I know that the voter turnout was low, but without me it would have been an epic fail. I would like to congratulate Marie Charlotte Noreng and Richard Washburn Peyser III on their victory, but I have my eye on you two, so you better not screw up.
Stay Classy, Not UMassy.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Student of Fortune
Hello readers, I was recently contacted by the kind folks at StudentofFortune. This is a site designed to assist college students with their homework. I did some outside research, apart from what they sent me, and it seems like a very reliable and legitimate service. This is how the site works according to their facebook page:
If you're a student, just post a question you're struggling with. We'll send your question to all of the tutors on Student of Fortune, and they'll write custom tutorials that will teach you how to solve your difficult homework assignment (and others like it). Pick a tutorial that looks good, buy it, learn the material, and ace all of your classes!If you're a tutor, write great tutorials and earn lots of money, even thousands of dollars...all for helping students to learn! One more thing - everyone is a student and tutor. So, if you're really good with calculus but lousy at geology, earn money helping students with calculus and get the geology help you need! We bet you never though your calculus would be integral to deriving some knowledge about rocks...
I hope you look into the site; it seems like a very easy way to earn some money. It works on the same basis of eBay, you post a question and how much you are willing to spend on the answer, and then you pick which answer you want. If you’re not convinced about its legitimacy check out this article posted in the University of Southern California paper. The article also states how since it is tutoring format, it is not considered cheating because the site doesn’t do the work for you.
This is a link to their FAQ page, hopefully it will help you decide if the site is for you.
Stay Classy, Not UMassy.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Truthiness of UNH
Let me start off this article about UNH’s truthiness by saying I am double tasking while writing this. I am not only writing, but also playing videogames. Double tasking is a huge part of my daily basis, and most students here at UNH would probably agree. I mean sometimes I shave my awesome facial hair while in the shower. Other times I read or do homework on the toilet. College is all about time management, once you are able to figure how to handle your time; the workload is not bad at all. Take advantage of the library hours, they are open until 2am on some days which allows for maximum procrastination.
I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I just say time management is important? Yes, but procrastination is a fine skill to have at UNH and the quicker you are able to master it, the better off you will be. The key to procrastination is understanding what is okay to put off and how to make priorities. For example, I am double tasking right now so I can watch the Bruins rip the Canadians a new one tonight followed by a new South Park, which is supposed to be about pirates. That episode will be awesome. But you know what would be even awesomer? If the pirates in real life had real pirate ships. If that were the case I would drop out in a second and join those swashbucklers.
Another example of setting priorities is the fact that I have an English paper and a history paper do Friday, another history paper due Monday and a second English paper due next Friday. I know what your thinking. That is a lot of trees I’m killing! BAM! And you thought you wouldn’t have to put up with any other Earth day bullshit. I had to watch Al “I created the Internet” Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth this week. It should have been title “The Inconvenient Truthiness of How to Scare People to Believe in ManBearPig.” Anyways, what I was saying about my essay clusterfuck, I decided to write one English paper this afternoon, the first history paper tomorrow, and second history paper over the weekend (Sunday night) and the second English paper next week (next Thursday night). Notice how I am able to make priorities, by managing my time efficiently and maximizing procrastination all at the same time. That is a skill my friends, and I recommend you take notes, especially with finals rapidly approaching. (Seriously though, take notes in your lectures too, and shut the fuck up. I don’t care how wasted you got last night). Don't over study, that can be a real concern as well, but that is for another post. Oh, do I detect foreshadowing? I guess you will have to keep checking back to find out.
Stay Classy, Not UMassy.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Classes
- read assignments
- listen to professor lecture about the readings in a manner equally confusing as the readings (I have paid attention for entire lectures without writing one note.)
- take a once a week quiz that is really easy
- repeat steps 1-3 for a couple weeks
- take an exam
- realize that quizzes are so easy because the exams are the hardest test you have ever taken in your life
- listen to the professor explain that he was surprised the test scores were low because he felt he made them easy... (Class average on the 1st exam was a 55%)
- repeat steps 1-7 three times
Vote or Die
Monday, April 20, 2009
April 20th
Stay classy, Not UMassy.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Liberty University: "Training Champions for Christ"
“It could be worse”
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that phrase, I would have enough money to afford my books for a whole year. Just recently, while discussing the conduct policy here at UNH, a friend of mine said this phrase. For the first time in my life I truly believe that things could be worse. He brought my attention to the conduct policy at Liberty University, a Baptist school in Lynchburg, Virginia.
The LU conduct policy, known as “The Liberty Way” revolves around “reprimands” with the idea being that if a student accumulates a certain amount they will be fined and eventually kicked out. Students can be fined, given community service and receive scholarship deductions for more “serious” offenses. To view the actual policy it requires a student ID on LU's website, but thanks to the world wide web I was able to locate it in its entirety here. Here are a few of my personal favorites.
The following results in 6 reprimands and a $35 fine:
- Attending a dance
- Gambling
- Possession or use of tobacco (even for those over age 18)
12 reprimands and a $70 fine:
- Attendance at, possession or viewing of, an "R," "NC-17" or "X"-rated movie
- Entering the space above ceiling tiles (What the fuck?)
- Obscene, profane or abusive language or behavior
- Viewing or possessing pornography
18 reprimands, $100 fine, 18 hours community service, 50% scholarship reduction:
- Associating with those consuming alcohol
- Visiting the bedroom of the opposite sex on or off campus
30 Reprimands, $150 Fine, 30 hours Disciplinary Community Service, possible Administrative Withdrawal and/or possible 100% Scholarship Reduction:
- Use/possession/distribution of illegal drugs (plus automatic 2 semester suspension)
- Abortion
- Involvement with witchcraft or other satanic or demonic activity
- Possession or consumption of alcoholic beverages
- Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
- Two or more individuals of the opposite sex together in motel room
NOTE: For each accumulation of six (6) or more reprimands after 30, an additional $150 fine will be assessed.
If I attended Liberty University this would be my record for only the above infractions. It would take way too long to go through all of their conduct policy. (Note: I haven’t kept track of all of those things, so the figures below are rough estimates.)
I would have acquired:
- 2,850 reprimands
- $15,225 in fines (not including the $150 for every 6 reprimands over 30, that's too much math.)
- 2,040 hours of community service.
I have no idea how many fucking times I have used “profane language” so I didn’t count that one. I do however, watch an incredible amount of porn. Thankfully I do not attend that horrible place and I hope to never even have to step inside their premises.
Oh, by the way this isn’t a tiny school like you may think. Liberty University’s enrollment is 11,300; about the same as UNH.
Stay classy, not UMassy… But don’t restrict yourself to “The Liberty Way.”
p.s. The title of this post is LU's actual motto.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Weekend Update
Friday, April 17, 2009
Talking Politics
I would like to take a moment to discuss the up coming student body election here at the University of Nonsensical Happenings. First of I all, I have never met any of the candidates running for President or Vice President. My opinions are solely based on the articles presented to us in the school paper. There are four different pairs of candidates running for the President and VP positions. Although I haven’t been able to make it to any of the debates, I have been keeping up with the election via the articles printed in TNH. After today’s issue of the paper I have decided whom I will be voting for on April 21 or 22 on Blackboard.
I declare that The New Hampshirite is officially backing the campaign of Chris McGown and Brendan Jones for student body President and Vice President. I really appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness presented by these two gentlemen. McGown and Jones aren’t afraid to hide the fact that neither of them have been a part of a student government before. In fact, only one of the eight candidates, Ryan Deziel, has attended a senate meeting this year.
Here are my other reasons for choosing to support the McGown/Jones ticket. Take a look at the front page of today’s TNH. Look at the hat that VP hopeful Sam Bennet is wearing. I’m sorry, but student body VP is a serious position and he looks more like he is out to get a laugh. Bennet is a member of Theatre Sports, and the last time I checked actors don’t make great politicians. I’m sorry for his Presidential running mate Jacquesline Walker, but you’re out. Next we have the Charlotte Noreng and Richard Peyser tandem. Look it how Mr. Peyser is dressed. He is clearly trying too hard, lay of the ties and suit coats buddy. Also Ms. Noreng is only a sophomore and I believe that the president should have more experience. Mr. Peyser has not only switched schools, but also his major several times. I want someone who can make a decision and stick with it in office, not a “flip-flop.” Ms. Noreng and Mr. Peyser, you're fuckin' out. The final team is Ryan Deziel and Dustin Schoenbrun. Like Sam Bennet, Ryan Deziel is also a member of Theatre Sports; we need a leader, not a comedian. In the picture Mr. Deziel is wearing a sweater vest (skip to 2:20). He clearly can’t make good decisions. Now take a look at Chris McGown and Brendan Jones. They aren't trying to impress you with fancy clothes or a huge fake-friendly smile. They just appear to be themselves, trying to make UNH a little less Nonsensical and a little more efficient.
So those are my opinions on our up coming election. Think about your choices very carefully. I am not telling you who to vote for; I just wanted to let my opinion be heard. I mean I do write a blog. I apologize if I have offended any of the the candidates and I wish them all the best of luck.
Stay classy, not UMassy.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Announcement
Thursday Thoughts
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
UNH Mascots: Behind the Fur
The United Football League
Many of you may be unaware of the greatness that you are all about to witness in October of this very year. The United Football League will be kicking off its inaugural season, which means there will finally be a professional football league. Americans have had to rely on watching the Canadian Football League since the collapse of the XFL in 2001.
Seriously what the fuck? Do the executives of the UFL really think they will make money competing with the NFL? Obviously not, because the leagues tagline is: “Where future stars come to play.” The goal of the UFL is to provide quality football for fan bases that do not have an NFL franchise. The problem I have with this is that in the first season only four teams will compete. The teams will play in New York, Orlando, Las Vegas and San Francisco. Hmm, that’s funny last time I checked New York had two NFL teams and San Francisco has the 49ers. Wait; are the 49ers still a pro team? In all fairness both New York teams actually play in New Jersey. The UFL New York team will play at the Mets Stadium, Citi Field, which is located in Queens.
The UFL also hopes to become a minor “developmental” league to the NFL. I really hope that the UFL doesn’t work because I think it will only hurt college football. Although, I do think that the UFL will fair better than the XFL because its rulebook mirrors that of the NFL except with smaller salary caps. Although there are only 4 teams scheduled to play in the first season, the league plans to expand the playing field in each of the first few seasons. The league has signed a deal with Versus to air games, which will be played on Thursday and Fridays. The UFL championship is scheduled to be played during Thanksgiving weekend.
When I first heard abut the league I had my doubts, but the more I read the more credit I gave to its planners. But once I checked out the UFL’s website I realized that there is a very slim chance for the league to survive long. On the home page I saw a tab that read “registration forms” so I clicked it. What I saw made me laugh very hard; it read “The UFL is currently soliciting information about players, coaches and agents that are interested in participating in our League. Please fill out the appropriate registration form and a representative from the UFL will contact you in the near future.”
The league is allowing people to fill out what are basically applications for players, agents and coaches. I decided to fill out a form as an experiment. On the player registration form it asked for my 40-yard dash time. I don’t know my 40 time I figured I would try another form. I am not a WSBE student so I figured the agent form was not for me. That left the coach registration forms for me to fill out. It was one page long. The first half asked for my personal info like my name, address, email ect. It then asked for “Pro Football Coaching Experience.” I have never coached football professionally so I left this field blank. Under the comments section is where I believe I made my best impression. This is what I wrote:
Although I have never coached, or played football, at any level my high school team won the state championship my senior year. I watched every game that year. I watch almost every Patriots game on TV and I really understand the game well. Despite my inexperience I am a master of EA Sports Madden Football. I hardly ever loose. In fact I went undefeated on the All-Pro level in back to back seasons with the Detroit Lions, even in a videogame that is impressive! I also won both of my Yahoo! fantasy football leagues last year. I also play the NCAA Football videogame a lot. I won two National Championships with Notre Dame. If you haven’t noticed, I like to take underachieving teams to the top. I truly believe that the UFL is missing something, and that something is me. I get very angry throw shit during games like Bobby Knight. This will only help with the league’s publicity. Some say I need anger management, I say I just need a football team to coach because videogames aren’t fucking realistic enough. Help me help you, by helping me.
Stay classy, not UMassy.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Speaking of Dumb Cops...
20 bucks says that this is David's dad.
UNH Cops Part III: Return of the Douchebags
Last Friday I got out of class at 2pm, it was a beautiful day and I decided to spend my afternoon skateboarding around campus. I knew that people were still in classes so I decided to be courteous and I avoided skating around the academic buildings because I know skating can be quite noisy. So I made my way over to the Whittemore Center to throw down some grinds on the benches out front on the concourse adjacent to the turf field. I was skating for a while and there was nobody around. I figured that most people were either in class or already left for Easter weekend. After about a half an hour a cop approached me, I didn’t see him coming until he was about 25 feet away.
“Excuse Me,” he shouted. I turned and realized that he was talking to me because there was literally no one else around. “There is no skateboarding allowed on university property,” he continued. I tried to remain polite because I knew his thick skull was probably full of endless stereotypes, and I was right. I replied back “why not?” He said “skateboards can be used to get from point A to point B, but no stunting is allowed.” I had to try so hard from laughing because I have never heard of skate tricks being referred to as “stunting.”
I was very confused because this past fall I was skateboarding in the same exact place and a motorcycle cop drove by, on the concourse, and gave me a friendly head nod. Obviously it didn’t bother him that I was “stunting” on university property.
Anyways, back to the king of the douches. The cop then looks at my backpack and says “Is that your bag, mind if I take a look in it?” Remember it is about 3 in the afternoon. I knew he had no right to but I just wanted to get this unlawful interrogation over as soon as possible so I gave him permission. As he reached for it he said “I noticed your eyes are a little red and puffy, you been smoking dope.” I almost fucking lost it. What is up with these UNH cops and saying, “dope?” And why the fuck do they always accuse me of smoking it? I had not been smoking at all, but I do have bad allergies and that is what I told him.
He looked through my bag, which contained the following:
- 1 plastic box with skateboard tools.
- 1 camera bag with a video camera and extra tapes
- 1 water bottle (which he sniffed)
- 1 bottle of eye drops
I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth: “So why do you have these eye drops.” I replied “they help with my allergies, my eyes become itchy and the drops help sooth them quickly.” He asked to see my ID and I pulled out my license, behind my license I noticed I had my health card. I showed him my health card too because on the back are some medications that I’m allergic to, so if there is an emergency the medics would know what not to give me. I said “I know these are just medications but this proves that I do have several allergies.” Then all of sudden I realized that there is a God because I sneezed about 4 or 5 times in a row.
The cop told me not to skate the benches anymore and that I should carry more proof of my allergies because next time I may not be so lucky. Fuck you cop. I have no idea what he could have done because I had nothing illegal on me and I was blatantly sober. I don’t understand why “I may not be lucky” because he couldn’t arrest me even if I didn’t sneeze. He was just another prick of a cop trying to scare some skater. Hey cops, its a fucking Friday at UNH, don't you have anything better to do then to harass kids trying to get some fucking exercise. Actually don't do that either, we need to get UNH back in the top 10 in the nation for party schools.
I highly recommend watching those two links, at least UNH Cops aren't as bad as Officer Riviera.
Stay classy, not UMassy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Who is Responsible?
On Friday April 10th, our school paper, The New Hampshire, gave this blog a “thumbs up” in the “Thumbs Up Thumbs Down” forum. Prior to that article the blog had 492 visits and 25 people had voted “yes” (meaning they attend UNH) in the pole. At the point the blog had been out for 11 days. As of the moment I am typing this the page hits have increased to 700. The page also gained an additional 20 “yes” votes. That is 208 visits in 3 days, or about 68 hits a day (increase of 23 hits/day). I actually have 1,692 page views. A view is counted every time someone opens the page; a visit is a series of page views by one person with no more than 30 minutes in between page views. According to sitemeter.com I have averaged 187 hits per day with the average person visiting 3.7 times a day. The average reader spends just under 9 minutes per page view. During this time I have also received a shout out on robotbitesman.com (click the picture to enter the site) and I created an entry on thecollegeblognetwork.com. What does all of this mean?
The bump does exist, but I am afraid it is nowhere near that of Stephan Colbert, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart and the Mike Huckabee situation. It is known that Jon Stewart made Conan, Conan made Colbert and Colbert made Huckabee. Therefor Stewart made Huckabee, because without him there would be no Conan or Colbert. So who made me? Was it TNH, RBM or TCBN? I have a feeling not enough people care to make it an epic battle so I will award TNH with the bump because they found me. I have a connection to the people at RBM and I created the entry on TCBN, but TNH discovered me. Congratulations TNH, you are the champions, actually we are the champions...
Stay Classy, not UMassy.