The Diagnosis & Treatment of the Most Annoying People in Class

By: Lady Meow

As you can see, I observe a lot on this campus. Through my observations, I group people together and conclude something out of them, it makes sense in regards to me; hence the nerdy science major thing. WSBE kids, I don't know how you do it, but more power to you. I should probably be paying attention in class; however I'm too busy thinking how these kids are so distracting and how much of an inconvenience to my life they are. I'm sure you can all agree on some level, but so far I have had the distinctive pleasure throughout my college career to sit next to at least one of these sorts of people in each of my classes. They’re always there. If you have anymore that you’d like to share, comment!

Going with the medical thing I thought it would be different to give these kids a diagnosis and treatment...so I did. The ultimate cure, however, is to not sit next to them.

1. Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS): The kid who always SHAKES his/her legs. This shaking of the legs causes the floor to vibrate as if you were sitting on a giant cell phone. You'd think there’s some sort of natural disaster coming, but the worst is that person who has a set of keys attached to their belt loop. The excessive jingling can only make you think one thing: Christmas. It's nice at first, but then you realize it's the middle of April and you're not getting those presents anytime soon. God dammit.

Treatment: muscle relaxer, or just a stab to the leg. They’ll stop moving then.

2. Polytextia – This condition is where the person is ALWAYS TEXTING. This is especially annoying when you can hear all the taps (tap-tap-taparoo) on their phone. Guess what, everyone else is in fucking class too and I’m sure the people around them doesn't wanna hear it either. Think about this...what if someone could pick out the correct pitches of whatever keys this Hollywood douchetit hammered in. They could figure out what you're saying. But, the douchetit shouldn't worry; nothing they are saying is important anyway. At least sometimes they get caught by the professor and it's hilarious, so someone with a case of Polytextia could be somewhat useful in boring classes.

Treatment: Get a touch phone, idiot.

3. Elephantitus of the Cranium- This kid always has to sit in front of you. You think you have a clear view of the notes, so you start copying and when you look back up, his/her head or giant hair or hat is in your way. No matter which way you move to compensate, it’s there. No notes for you today (and boom goes the dynamite).

Treatment: sleeping pill so they sleep on their desk. I hear Ambien is fabulous. Concussions work too.

4. Maximus Questionius- This person always, ALWAYS has the answer to every question in class. Whether it be a professor’s question or even another student’s question, it must be answered. He/she has no issue speaking abnormally loud and obnoxiously to whomever has not addressed them. This person continues to the point where the class has run out of time and you need some Excedrin.

Treatment: Ex-lax should keep them occupied.

5. Alcoholism: Usually is a woman, but this person either A. comes in with a travel mug of ‘coffee’ or B. comes in hungover, with smudged Ke$ha-ish eyeliner, wreaking of frat boy sweat, and tends to look absolutely miserable. The reason why person goes to class is unknown.

Treatment: Just come into class drunk to avoid the hangover or an intervention.

6. Disturbia: This person tends to always interrupt your concentration or attention from class to ask about what the professor just said or what they want to know about the assignment, the notes, and etc.. So when you help them, you miss the shit the professor said. It’s a horrible lose-lose situation. Good Lord, if you would just take your damn Adderall today you would have been all set.

Treatment: Adderall! Or, be that bitch and ignore them.

7. BO-The smelly kid in class that always smells like fucking BO. Pretty obvious, but stay with me. How can you go throughout your day and NOT get a look of disgust directed at you? I’d rather smell one of those guys who put on WAY too much cologne versus your swamp ass. You’re impressing no one so I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Treatment: Fucking shower, fishvag.

8. Smokey McWeedhead: Clearly the HIGH kid in class *cough* The New Hampshirite *cough, cough*. This person, I laugh at because they ‘try’ to cover up the smell by putting excessive amount of Axe on, which, gentlemen DOES NOT WORK. I don’t understand what you’re trying to get away with. Here at UNH though, I really don’t think some professors would judge this kid.

Treatment: Light him on fire, clambake in the class, if he’s getting some, why shouldn’t we? It’s like Spicoli and the pizza: You’re on my time buddy. Share the wealth.

Currently, I’m too lazy to think of treatments for some more people but I’ll give them a shout out: the gum snapper, the person who tries to open a loud bag of chips (fuck you, Sun Chips! I'd rather litter than deal with that loud fucking thing) , the person who doesn’t attend class but demands the notes anyways, the person who always comes in late, and the person who brings his computer but uses it for anything BUT class.

Again, if you have more, share them. Hope you enjoyed this somewhat clean post (cunt), but don’t worry, my ruthlessness is not gone forever.

I’ve got better things to do now, like have multiple orgasms (the blogteam & others want this to be my new signoff).