In a recent study released by the University of New Hampshire, the University of New Hampshire is the number one ranked college in a combination of everything. “We are really proud of our students, athletes, professors, campus security, and yes, even dining employees,” said University President Mark Huddleston. “The amount of beer purchased by students really helped us out, but we where hurt by aspects such as academics and the average salary of our graduates.” The study, which was funded by the UNH office of Propaganda, used a complicated math formula created by the students of the Math 788 class, “Complex Analysis.” UNH senior and a member of the class Alfred Goldstein received extra credit for figuring out how to include dining in the equation. “It was really tricky. I mean they waste so much money, especially compared to other schools, but I knew if could be done. I simply devised a formula that so that dining was barely counted.” Another aspect of the equation that played in UNH’s favor was the fact that bonus points were awarded to universities who never cancel classes. The equation, which included over 500 variables, resulted in UNH scoring a 92.42069. UNH’s score narrowly beat out Penn State by just a fraction of a percent. Arizona State, Texas, and the University of California Santa Barbara rounded out the top 5, while Harvard, MIT, West Point, Duke and Dartmouth ranked in the bottom five.
UNH math professor Nathaniel Edward Richard Davidson III said “I didn’t think it would be possible to devise an equation that would rank UNH as the best college in country. I couldn’t be happier.” While most math students are proud of UNH, most students lack enthusiasm about the formula. Mary J. Stonerson, a sophomore environmental studies major, said “it’s kinda cool, I guess.” Harvard is yet to release a statement on their last place ranking.
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