Thursday, June 11, 2009

Johnny Suenami

I know that it has been a while so I have decided to write a quick post on my new favorite crazy person who I found thanks to the UYD podcast. 

Jonathan Lee Riches, or JLR as I call him, is currently incarcerated in the Federal Medical Center in Lexington, Kentucky. He  has sued around 4,000 people over thepast few years. The reasonthat I italicized people is that he has also sued the Eiffel Tower and The Exxon Valdez. Riches has tried suing people such as Patriots coach Bill Belicheck, former President Bush, Obama, Biden, McCain, Starbucks, OJ Simpson, Steve Jobs, the US postal service, Brad Pitt and Angelina JoLie, just to name a few. Many of JLR’s lawsuits are crazy conspiracy theories such as MLB commissioner Bud Selig providing Barry Bonds steroids to boost TV ratings. (JLR continued that Bonds sold HGH to nuns and gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein.) In another case Riches claimed that David Beckham uses satellite guided soccer balls and in doing so he has defamed the sport of soccer.

The following is taking from a true case JLR filed:

Plaintiff alleges that the Jewish Mossad, Central Intelligence Agency and Larry King Live are engaged in a vast conspiracy to hijack plaintiff's torso, 3 toes and his constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, New Hampshire. Plaintiff further alleges that the Jewish Mossad told him personally that they were going to hang him to a cross next to Jesus Christ, that Larry King Live is a voodoo witch doctor who stole his identity and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy, Planters peanuts and Ziploc bags under his identity, and that the CIA conspired with the Uniform Commercial Code to steal his strawman identity.

This is from another one of his lawsuits. (I promise this is all real.)

Prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches seeks $63 billion backed by gold and silver delivered via UPS from Michael Vick for allegedly stealing his two pit bulls and using them for dog fighting. Prisoner also alleges that Vick damaged the RFID chips in the plaintiff's dog collars, sold plaintiff's dogs on eBay and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government. Plaintiff also alleges that Michael Vick subjected him to microwave testing.

But hands down my favorite lawsuit of Mr. Riches was when he tried to sue the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” company, simply because he can believe it. Classic.

Oh yeah, the Guinness Book of World Records recently named him the most litigious person in the world and he has tried to sue them for using his name.

 In other random things I come across, Harvard has recently published a study saying that drunken teens are more likely to have sex than sober teens. Thanks Harvard, money well spent. I hope JLR sues Harvard for claiming that they are such a good university. Obviously after this study it proves that Harvard is drastically overrated. Harvard students are paying $50,000 a year for knowledge that most teens learn prom night for free. (Well, maybe for the price of a handle of raspberry vodka or if their lucky the limo driver forgot to take out the champagne.) 

Stay classy, not UMassy.