Monday, November 30, 2009

Conversion of Smith Hall

If any of you are in the 2009-2010 UNH facebook group you may have received this message from our student body President and VP:
Hello Everyone,  
There are plans in action to convert Smith Hall into an administrative building. In order for us to change their plans we as students need to make a strong, united stance on this topic. Please tell us how you feel about this, if you are for or against it and why. Also please make sure to tell us which dorm you live in or if you live off campus. Thank you for your input!

- Charlotte and Richie

I think that it is an outrage that the UNH administration would be willing to change the rich tradition of Smith Hall on campus. Smith Hall is the oldest residence hall on campus and it has been home to the International Living Theme for years now. Smith Hall was finished in 1908 and was originally built as an all-female dorm. It may not be the nicest dorm, but every year students choose to live there because of the tradition and diversity of the International theme.

Smith Hall circa 1915

The Smith Hall we know today.
Turning Smith Hall into administrative buildings would just be another step that UNH would take to ruin it's rich history. UNH needs to be able to recognize and appreciate it's century old history. New buildings and dorms are always nice, but there should be a good balance of new and old to remind us how UNH has grown over the years.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Overheard at UNH

Before I get started, I have a few announcements to make. First of all, after spending hours over Thanksgiving break I have decided to go with "Noncensors" for my name to refer to my readers. Stephen Colbert may have his Nation, but I have my faithful Noncensors. It was submitted by a reader who claims it is a play on the blog title and the fact that the blog isn't censored and neither should you be. If you think you have something better let me know. So listen up Noncensors, announcement number two: William Takefield will now be my roommate's code name. It is a play on "Tim Wakefield" from when we got baked one night. I'll be creating a vocab sheet for you all to study for my final exam.

 I haven't done an "Overheard" all semester and I feel like these are always good for a laugh:

UQ Hallway: Girl 1: "They were wrapped up in a towel. I mean he's 23 and she's 17." Girl 2: "Gross."

HOCO: Guy 1: "I slept with (girl) again." Guy 2 "Isn't that crabs girl?" Guy 1: "She got that taken care of... I think."

MUB Bookstore: Girl to guy: "Have you checked out that UNH blog, it's pretty cool."

If you ever want to freak out someone play this song. It helps if they are really high, just ask William Takefield.


Stay classy, not UMassy.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sober Week

For a while now I have been thinking about writing a post about my experiences doing a “Sober Week.” It was going to be a timeline/narrative about a week in which I restrained from drugs (weed) and alcohol (including wine). I decided that a week that included a visit home would be best because I’m not 21 so I can’t drink around my parents. I ended up deciding to give it a shot for Thanksgiving weekend, because I would be home Wednesday morning to Sunday night so that would limit my drinking, and obviously, any “weeding” situations.  I decided to start on that Tuesday and finish off the following Tuesday. So I was sure to make Monday extra fun pounding Miller High-Lifes and using the Investigative Journalist to do some hardcore investigation. I made sure to finish up before midnight so Tuesday could count towards Sober Week.

Night One Tuesday: 8:00PM (20 hours sober):
I realize that I have a bunch beers left in my fridge. Never in my life/in my time at college had I had beer in my fridge for over a week and I so I never learned how long it can last. I decide it is too great a risk to leave in there for the duration of Thanksgiving break. Therefore I threw back a few, but I left one, a number I was willing to sacrifice. I decide that this was an emergency to prevent stale beer so therefore it wouldn’t count against sober week. I had made it threw the first day.

Day Two Wednesday: 2:30PM (38.5 hours sober)
I am playing hide-and-seek with two younger cousins. I realize that it would be way better if I was bakedest maximus.

Night Two Wednesday: 8PM (44 hours sober)
I am at my brother’s apartment before going to see the new Warren Miller ski movie in Portsmouth. A Rolling Rock beer is placed in front me. In fear of it going warm I drink it down. Crisis averted. So was once again it was an emergency so my sober streak continues.

Day Three: Thursday: 4PM Thanksgiving: (64 hours sober)
I’m at my aunt and uncle’s in Maine. My brother slips a few shots of rum into my diet Pepsi. None of the adults notice. Plus 5 ninja points for him. I can’t waist a perfectly good soda so I am forced to drink it. It was for the sake of the environment so the sober streak in unharmed.

Night Three: Thursday: 9:30 PM (69.5 hours sober)
Both my parents go off to bed, tired from the party and drive home. I suddenly realize that I “accidentally” packed my vaporizer and weed. I realize that I couldn’t risk my mom finding them, especially together so I come to the conclusion that I must get rid of the weed. The best way to get rid of weed is to smoke it, or vape it in my case. I bring it down to the basement heat it up and inhale; because that is the point, right Obama? Here is a timeline inside a timeline. Yeah, a double timeline. Or timeline2
  • 9:45PM Vape
  • 9:55PM Return item to hidden location in my closet.
  • 10:00PM Eat half a family sized box of Triscits.
  • 10:20PM Eat massive amounts of sunflower seeds.
  • 10:55PM Eat sleeve of Ritz crackers.
  • 11:00PM Eat cold pepperoni, wish I had more Ritz or Triscuts and some cheese.
  • 11:15PM Make and eat peanut-butter sandwich.
  • 11:27PM I start writing this. And listening to my itunes. I start with a few from The Band off the Last Waltz. As I skim through my itunes I come to Boston’s “More than a Feeling” I am too tempted to do karaoke and my parents are sleeping so I decide to skip it. Next is Bruce’s “Glory Days” same situation. I realize that I have an awesome selection on my itunes and I give Old Crow Medicine Show a few songs and soon move onto Pink Floyd
  • 11:48PM It is right now. I guess I should stop, because I can’t write about the future… yet... Well, I have investigated that due to the difficulty of typing and how badly I am relying on spell check I say that I am still quite high.
  • 11:50PM I’ve always liked Pink Floyd, but holy shit! This is insane. I feel every note in my body. David Gilmour’s solo in “Dogs” has an acupuncture/prickly feeling when you’re high.
  • 11:58 PM All of fucking “Animals” by Floyd is so fucking awesome. Wow. Damn vaporizers are efficient. Fuck. Yes.
 *(NOTE: Everything to this point was written under the influence of marijuana.) 

Day Four: Friday 10:07AM (82 hours sober)
I can’t believe I have lasted this long. This is pretty insane. Taking care of that herb was for my own protection, therefore my sober streak in still intact. Take that Joe DiMaggio! Your hit-streak lasted 56 games, but only a true Iron Horse could go 82 hours sober.

Day Five: Saturday 2:00 PM (110 hours sober)
In order to complete some more ninja missions my brothers and I vape up the rest of that herb. The ninja missions are 100% successful, but the details must be kept on the down-low for now. Be prepared for the ultimate multi-media project yet, but it may be a while. This doesn't impact my sober streak because it was for the good of a ninja mission.

Day Six: Sunday 2:30PM (134.5 hours sober)
This is right now, as I write this. I'm back at my dorm and I finish off that last beer and watch some football. Good news it that it still tasted fine. But I have decided to give up on my sober streak because I can't lie to myself anymore. I guess Stephenson Billings is right I am a no-good alcoholic pot addict. Oh, well at least I'm enjoying college to the fullest.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Random Thoughts and Things

This will probably be my last post until Sunday or Monday, so I would just like to throw a few things out there. It is about 1:30AM and I have a meeting in the morning and then I'm off for home so I just wanted to throw up a quick post before I left. First off, I need to thank the people at Crooked Monkey, who sent me a free t-shirt and a nice thank you note after I wrote a review about their website and services. You should really check them out, they have high quality products and a very nice customer service... Unlike vistaprint (where I ordered that free stuff from.) They started charging me because I was a "VP club" member. I never signed up for that, it was something that automatically happens without them telling you. (It's called a scam.)  I looked into it and apparently anyone who orders "free" business cards from them ends up getting charged $14.95 a month until they cancel their membership. Luckily if you catch it and call them out on it (which I did) you get your money back. They are this legitimate company with big time credentials (listed towards the top of the Boston Globes "Best Places to Work") and they get away with these fucking bullshit scams! No wonder the place is so great to work, they scam money out of poor saps who are just trying to advertise their upstart businesses! FUCK YOU vistaprint!

Monday night I got absolutely ripped off The Investigative Journalist (a vaporizer) and I was unable to take notes, I apologize. I did however, pass out in my chair on my stomach, with my head on the ground and my feet in the air. Yeah, I still can't figure that one out. I think the best way to describe that night is this:


 I will now post two videos of extremely passionate musicians. I truly think that this first video is of the most soulful musician out there today, some people say his voice is a little to rough, but I think it fits him and his band perfectly. Eugene Hutz of Gogol Bordello:


How is it that I never knew of the shredding abilities of My Morning Jacket? After watching this performance from the Conan O'Brien all I can say is "wow."


Okay, University of Nonsensical Happenites (I need a name to refer to you all blog readers. Like how Stephen Colbert calls his audience "Nation." Seriously, comment any ideas you have!) Have a great break and I'll see you on the other side.
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Like a Pro: Thanksgiving

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday issues of the UNH student newspaper "The New Hampshire." This is the original, uncut, and unedited version.


It is that time of year again when Americans are encouraged to pause their busy lives and take moment to do some holiday shopping. I mean, give thanks for everything we have. When I was younger I used to be thankful for my idols like Batman, the Power Rangers, and Nomar Garciaparra, but as I have matured I have learned that there are far more important things that I should be thankful for. Especially since I now realize that two of those things were not real and the third probably did steroids.
This year I am not thankful for specific people or events, I am thankful for who I am. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I am a student at a great university, which provides huge opportunities for my future. Do not get me wrong; the university has made its share of mistakes – like once again scheduling classes on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
Luckily, like every other year I have been here, all of my professors cancelled those classes. When will the administration realize this and just officially give us the extra day off? Hey, at least we still have our football team, right Northeastern?
I am also thankful that I’m not the one out of the roughly 12,000 undergraduates at UNH who was arrested for receiving marijuana through the mail last week. That ratio is pretty strong in the university’s favor; maybe Heath Services should print that on those cards in Holloway. That would look better than admitting about 70 percent of campus drinks alcohol on the weekends. I think it is safe to say that we are all thankful we were not that one student, unless of course, he is reading this.
I do not want to be my super cliché self by saying what I am thankful for, like cheap alcohol and other mind-morphing substances, but instead slightly more serious things around campus.
I am thankful for Kurt’s Lunchbox because this time of year when the weather is cold, walking to DHOP can be treacherous. A nice order of cheesy fries will warm you right up without trekking all the way downtown. Depending on where you live Wildcatessen and the Philbrook CafĂ© serve as great cold weather alternatives too. Sure, their respected atmospheres do not match up to DHOP, but at least you will get some food.
With finals just around the corner, I am also thankful that the library is open until 2 a.m. 
More importantly, I am thankful for classes that do not have finals, because one less final means one more night of me being a campus statistic about alcohol consumption. Perhaps what I am most thankful for, in regards to finals, is knowing ahead of time that I can pass a class no matter how badly I do on the final. That really takes the pressure off so I recommend that you all try and calculate your grades before finals week. Why would you want to waste your time studying, I mean this is college right?

As much as I have ripped on the police forces of UNH and Durham, I am thankful that they do not have quite the same thirst for power as some other local units.
Some of you may have heard about the party at Colby-Sawyer College in New London that resulted in 105 underage drinking arrests, 55 of which were internal possession. Here at UNH the police usually just send us on our way after breaking up a party, only arresting a select few, if any.
Too often students at UNH (especially me) complain about every little thing such as poorly prioritized police officers, overrated parties, over-hyped concerts, the administration, the alcohol policy, the terribleness of blackboard, overpaid coaches, violence, pointless course requirements, unbalanced heating systems, lack of ATMs on campus, parking issues, H1N1, rising tuition costs and the advising system, just to name a few.
I feel that is very important to think about what we do have because any large college campus in the country will have dozens of similar issues that UNH students complain about.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Meet "The Investigative Journalist"

For those of you who read this more than once by accident you may remember my email conversation I had with Christwire writer, and fraud, Stephenson Billings. If I didn't make it clear before Christwire is complete satire, but they try hard to make it seem like they are true fundamentalists. This is why I emailed Stephenson again. When I asked him how he felt about me naming a new drug device after him he said:
"Hello dope fiend,
I am saddened to hear you are still addicted to pot, even at your age. I'm sure your poor mother cries every night over your failure to achieve anything in life. How many years have you been at UNH? Six? Eight? I hear most students don't graduate in less than a decade they're in such a stupor. Well, the cold weather is my only consolation. You must be freezing up there in that hellish little corner of Canada South. Good luck with your homework and please don't name any more narcotic apparatuses after me.
Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist"

This is why I have decided to name my new vape "The Investigative Journalist." I think it will have a great impact on future blog posts. Maybe like a summary of events about what goes on after breaking out The Investigative Journalist. Last night my roommate and I decided to test this idea. So after we "vaped' (remember it is not smoking) we decided to play some video games, MLB The Show 2009 to be exact. After realizing that all three base umpires was the same guy (this really freaked us out, we thought he was spying on us) we began to nickname some of the players on the Red Sox. Luckily I wrote them down, here are a few of the best ones:
  • Mike Lowell- The Dirty Cigar (he's Cuban)
  • Jed Lowrie- The Antelope (Lowrie->Logan Airport->planes->plains->Antelope)
  • Jacoby Ellsbury- Squanto McGahee (He's a Native American and fast like Willis McGahee)
  • Dustin Pedrioa- The Steamroller (he packs a punch)
  • Jason Bay- Roswell (he looks like an alien)
  • Tim Wakefield - William Takefield (purely awesome)
During the game I turned a triple play and I feel that it is extremely important to add that I won. I didn't write anything else, but next time I'll try to take better notes.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Mail Room Drug Bust

So earlier this week Fed Ex intercepted a suspicious package and tipped off the police. While the package was in the mailroom an undercover cop was disguised as a mailroom employee and three other plain-clothed cops were in the MUB computer store. When a student arrived to pick up the package he was placed under arrest. The package contained an ounce of marijuana. I must admit that is some pretty good work from Fed-Ex, police and the university. What type of kid is stupid enough to try and mail weed or get it through the mail? Even if it was some potent California medical herb that is not worth the risk. Some people just make me wonder.

I was tipped off by an awesome reader, thanks!

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Dart Games

This is what happens when you combine a lot of alcohol, a vaporizer (YES!) and some darts. In this video I am holding all the objects, and some how I was never hit by a dart. If that isn't luck I don't know what is. The kid throwing the darts was about 8-10 feet away. The last video clip is kind of blurry, much like our vision around that time...

video

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Kegerators: I want one.

Friday was my brother's birthday, so being the awesome brother I am, I gave my hockey ticket to a friend and went to the party in Portsmouth. I knew I was making the right choice, and I can now confirm that I did. Sure the hockey team won, but I can say that my night involved a kegerator and Mr. Guilty. (No asshole, Mr. Guilty was not a stripper, but it did have a warning for shooting fireballs.)

Weed, fire, ninja missions, fireworks and a kegerator full of PBR will never lead to dull night. And we definitely proved that to be true. So I'm going to skip all of the less awesome parts of the night when darts, Celtics, Bruins and and sing-along jam sessions were the main forms of entertainment.

"Learn to drink like a pro" motherfuckers.

Around one am, after I ate an entire medium pizza, my brother's roommate informed me that we needed to lead a ninja mission. We gathered and headed for the freight train tracks. There were only 6 of us who dared to make the trek to the Portsmouth fire pond to light off Mr. Guilty and friends. It took about 30 minutes to walk the tracks from just outside downtown to past the hospital. One kid kept trying to use GPS and Google maps on his cellphone. What type of ninja not only uses GPS and maps, but also gives up his location to the government? Minus 5 ninja points for him. Plus 2 for me for calling out his poor ninjaship. At 1:25 I tweeted "Being un-ninja like" because we were being way too loud. A few minutes later we decided that ninja rule number 2 is that you can never be in the same spot for more than 2 seconds. I'm not sure what the first rule was, and I think we had a 3rd rule that we established later. The believe the 3rd rule is that you must never take the same path both ways, so we made a loop. At roughly 2:07 am we reached the fire pond. I know this because I texted "Ports fire pond. Fireworks. Middle of woods. Off railroad tracks." to three friends. It was time for Mr. Guilty:

video

At 2:30 I tweeted that I felt like I was in the movie "Stand by Me." Which is a great fucking movie by the way. We returned to the apartment around 3am and I was upset to learn the guy-on-couch positions 1 and 2 were both taken, but the floor seemed soft enough.
Bottom line is that fireworks kick ass. And so do ninja missions.
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Like a Pro: General Education Courses


"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday (bonus Friday post) issues of TNH. This is the unedited and cut blog version of the column.
Students at UNH will soon be picking their classes for the spring 2010 semester and I have decided to give some advice on the general education courses I have taken. Please remember that classes may differ depending on the professor, but usually the level of difficulty remains the same. 


Math 420 (Finite Math) If you took discrete math in high school this class will be very easy. Most of the grade is based on three exams, with quizzes and homework making up a smaller portion. The homework usually doesn't take more than 15-25 minutes and the quizzes are easy if you attend the lectures. The exams can be hard because they cover a lot, but attending lectures and doing the homework will keep you from having to stay up all night studying. 

Psych 401 (Intro to Psychology) I was in 200-person lecture that was based on four exams (20% each) attendance (15%) and the last 5% was for participation in an out of class study by a psych major. The lectures basically outline the book chapter by chapter, and they are actually pretty interesting. This class is easy as long as you take decent notes and attend the lectures.

Polt 401 (Politics and Society) This is by far the worse class I have ever taken in my entire life. It revolves around reading political philosophy including Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, among others. The three exams make up most of the grade, so one poor grade can be hard to recover from. I had Professor Haight who was very enthusiastic but was not that clear when interpreting the readings during the lectures. I taught myself more the day before the final by using online resources (wikipedia and spark notes) than I learned all semester. I would not recommend this to a non-major. The class average of our first exam was a 55%. 

Hist 406 (Modern US History) I actually really enjoyed this class. It started out slow but once we got to the 1920's and on it became really interesting. My class had three 2-page papers with a third larger paper on a historical novel plus the midterm and final. There was also a 10% attendance grade so if you are one to skip classes I would not recommend this class. If you can write decent essays this class should be an easy B or higher.

Hist 421 (Ancient Civilizations Pre 16th Century) I had Professor Couser who described this class as being an “easy C with a few B’s and fewer A’s.”  In my section we didn't take one test or quiz and it was completely based on essays and participation in discussions. Even the midterm and final were take home essays and if you use notes from the lectures they are actually pretty easy. If your good at writing solid analysis papers in 3-5 pages this class should be easy. 

Mirc 407 (Germs 101) Germs is a highly requested class here at UNH because it is very easy and it can actually be quite interesting. This class does involve some “busy work,” especially the group projects, which feel like a huge waste of time. I would recommend this class because it definitely helps out the old GPA. Germs in a nutshell: wash your hands. Did I mention there are no exams?

NR 435 (Contemporary Conservation Issues) This class is taught by Professor Bill Mautz, who is arguably one of the best professors on campus. 435 is a very easy environmental science class that basically covers everything form Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth” and much more. Although the lectures can be boring and the exams are hard, one-page essays and blackboard quizzes that can be retaken make for an easy “A.”

ESci 501 (Intro to Oceanography) This class revolves around 4 exams worth 20% each and a lab grade worth 20%. The exams are not too hard and the labs are pretty easy. Plus you get to go on a boat, but compared to other science general education courses this class can be more challenging. I found oceanography to be the most interesting science I have taken, but compared to Germs and NR it was also the hardest.

MUSI 401 (Intro to Music) This class is boring, but should fill up your fine arts general education requirement without too much trouble. As long as you keep track of the quiz dates this a great class to take if you like to skip class. Most of the quizzes are identifying certain songs that are found on CD’s that come with the book. Professor Urquhart is very enthusiastic about this subject, but it seems as though he would prefer to be teaching music majors.

Latin 401/2 (Intro to Latin) If you are required to take a language I highly recommend Latin. All three of the intro professors are very helpful. The best thing about Latin is that it is not spoken, so you do not have to worry about performing in front of your classmates.

Stay classy, not UMassy

Thursday, November 19, 2009

National Go to Class Drunk Day

Today, the third Thirsty Thursday of November, is national go to class drunk day. Therefore I am writing this post after a few Roman cokes. I hope that doesn't show too bad...
 I have also been watching the show "Weeds" lately, in fact I am hooked on it. It is fucking awesome. So this post will be dedicated to me rambling about weed and how I like it and why I think it should be legal. I will try to avoid of sounding too hippy or liberal, because quite honestly I am actually pretty independent with my political views.
First, I should state that I actually don't smoke that much. Usually just once every few weeks, but I still support the legalization of it. Abraham Lincoln once said "Prohibition makes a crime out of things that are not crimes." George Washington once wrote, "make the most you can of the Indian hemp seed. Sow it everywhere." And this guy was a douche.
Think of the possibilities if government could tax legal marijuana cigarettes. This probably won't happen for a long time, if ever, because of the pull of pharmaceutical companies on politics. It is the same way as the oil companies have a hold on environmental policies and "bribe" companies (cough GM): 



Legalizing marijuana would eliminate the need for the dozens of pain killers, anxiety and depression medications and other pills that currently are prescribed to thousands millions of Americans. Even though legalization would probably be a good thing, businesses throughout the country would face severe profit loss, which is a major issue preventing the legalization of marijuana.


Here is a first hand experience that I believe I have shared before briefly, but I feel it is necessary to restate. A week after I graduated high school I went down to Children's Hospital in Boston for some major jaw surgery. The surgery took eight hours and when I finally came through I was put on oxycontin. I had (and still do have) four metal plates in my upper jaw and at the time I needed medication for the pain. Although I was extremely happy with the results, the following few days would be the most miserable time of my life. Every time I took a pill I would start puking my brains out (which hurt like hell because my fucking jaw was broken in four places) and then pass out and have crazy dreams. I ended up flushing the pills down the toilet and getting Tylenol. It didn't help the pain as much, but at least I wouldn't be puking my brains out. If I could have had marijuana, this experience would have been so much easier. I couldn't chew for about six weeks, at least if I had some legal pot I could have skipped the pain and puking stages.



Marijuana is a natural plant. Just like tobacco. It is more natural, and has less severe effects, than alcohol. I think that it is time we educate our neighbors, and realize the facts. It may take a while, but if we take baby steps, and one step at a time, it can be done.

We all know (or at least should know) that Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama have all admitted to smoking marijuana. They probably did more than that too, it is a fact that Bush enjoyed a little cocaine during his days at Yale. This is a picture of Bill and Hillary Clinton:

Does this really need an explanation?
While campaigning Obama was asked if he inhaled when he smoked pot and he replied "Isn't that the point?"


Stay classy, not UMassy.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Dorm Survey

Seriously, how fun is it to fill out those dorm surveys? I had the opportunity to do so on Monday night and I took full advantage of it. You may think I'm joking but I don't think I've ever been more truthful on this blog than right now.
 The first page on the survey was asking about "active bystanding." Obviously if you read my column about the campus assaults you know I have strong feelings about this topic. But I fail to see how living in my dorm has taught me anything about active bystanding... because I already learned everything about it in fucking middle school.
 Why the fuck do these dorms try to waste our time (and money) by trying to "teach" us this stupid bullshit about things that we learned in 7th grade? I decided I wasn't going to bullshit my answers like 90% of people who say "I learned not to let my friends get away with racist jokes or I broke up a fight." No you didn't so shut the fuck up and give me a break. On my survey, when answering a question about what I have learned about active bystanding from living in my dorm I wrote something along the lines of:
"Nothing. I learned about active bystanding before college. It should be common sense for people our age and if they are too immature to realize this a this point  they probably never will. I'm sorry, but this is true. It is just a waste of time."
If I come off as sounding like a douche, I understand and I don't give a fuck. It is all bullshit! I just want to live in a room and be left the fuck alone so I can study and get drunk. Stop trying to teach me bullshit, that is what classes are for.
Speaking of getting drunk...
The last page of the survey was on my favorite subject: alcohol. So after saying how great my RA is for not constantly bugging the shit out of me I got to learn a little more about  my drinking habits. I will now share them with you:

I drink alcohol: yes
How many nights a week do you party: 3 (I consider drinking in my room by myself a party.)
When at a party, how many alcoholic drinks do you usually have? A drink is considered to be a 12 oz beer, 4 oz wine or a shot of liquor:  7-8 (Keyword is party. They didn’t specify pre-gaming or numerous parties in a night. I'm very observant. Although, I wish I answered the max on these.)
How many drinks in a week: 16-20 (I have no idea so I put the 2nd highest. I mean I'm not an alcoholic.)
During this school year, how many times have you experienced the following due to YOUR drinking:
  • Had a hangover: 2 (Don’t ask how, some people are just less susceptible)
  • Peformed poorly on a test or project: 0 (I separate work from play.)
  • Been in trouble: 0 (I'm the fucking New Hampshirite... knock on wood.)
  • Got into argument or fight: 0 (Not counting debates. Arguments and debates are different.)
  • Missed a class: 0 (Although once I was drunk in class.)
  • Had memory loss: I put 3, but I really don't remember...
  • Did something I later regretted: 0 (Last year I started this blog.)
  • Been hurt or injured: 0 (not physically...)
Personally I was a little upset there weren't similar questions involving weed...

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Like a Pro: The Internet

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday issues of the UNH student newspaper "The New Hampshire." This is the original, uncut, and unedited version.

Over the past two months and a half I have realized that there is something far worse for college students than alcohol, drugs and violence. The internet. Coming from someone who writes a blog on a daily basis that should be a pretty mind bending statement. Even when dismissing adult-content websites the internet is full of web pages that are causing students to become distracted from reality. Let me start with the most basic of all websites.

Google. I ask you to open the Google and in the search bar type “do m.” Take a gander at what the first Google suggestion is. Spoiler alert: Google suggests, “Do midgets have night vision?” Now if I wanted to look up “do molecules make up compounds” I would become overly distracted with midgets and what they can and cannot do. Lately, people have been complaining about the ladybugs on campus. So you try Google searching “how can I kill ladybugs” but as you type the “I” in kill Google suggests “my baby.” Is that search really that common, or is Google trying to tell us something about overpopulation? I declare that Google is ruining our ability to finish our own thoughts and therefore is leading to the downfall of college students everywhere. (Here are some others):


If you are still not convinced that Google is taking over the world then take a look at Google trends, which records the top Google searches over a period of time. None of the top searches have to do with anything important. Google is conditioning us to ignore the real issues by throwing superhero midgets in our faces. By the way, the two founders of Google were recently voted the fifth most powerful people in the world.

Whoa, hold on a second, Ashton Kutcher just tweeted about this really inspirational video and I have to watch it. Okay, I guess that brings me to Twitter. Twitter can be very efficient if it is used to follow different news outlets. This way you can get all of your headlines from various websites on the same page. Oh wait a second, Jimmy Fallon just tweeted that he drinks Smartwater during Late Night; I need to go try some. Alright, I will now describe why 90% of the people on Twitter use it: Twitter is perfect for people who are bored of stalking friends from high school on Facebook. Now these people can stalk famous celebrities. If you didn’t notice, I just described Twitter in exactly 140 characters.
 (PS: Today I tweeted former UNH and NFL football player Jerry Azumah and asked him "What is your favorite memory of playing at UNH?" Less than an hour later he replied "Jr year at W&M breaking the all time rushing record D1AA!" That was awesome.) 

Many professors complain about Wikipedia, but I think that they are just jealous that it was not around for them. Wikipedia is possibly the greatest website ever created. I have nothing bad to say about it. For all you haters about Wikipedia being inaccurate, user generated material; it has actually been scored to be equally as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica. I use it for almost every assignment in every class, and I always use it when professors say not to. Wikipedia is the perfect place to begin research on any topic before diving in blindly at the library. Using Wikipedia for research used to be my game, but that changed when I discovered that I could study using Sporcle.

 For those of you who have yet to discover possibly the greatest procrastination website ever, Sporcle consists of thousands of quizzes and trivia about anything and everything. Sporcle is trivia is to someone who watches Jeopardy like crack is to a crack addict. Not only to I watch Jeopardy, I have the videogame. If Alex Trebek narrated Sporcle, I would probably never make it to class. So what if I am a history major and I cannot name every US President? I can name all 25 members of the 2004 Red Sox World Series Team.

 Yeah, I wasn't fucking joking.

If Sporcle fails to cure your ADD or procrastination needs, try StumbleUpon. This website allows users to literally stumble aimlessly throughout the World Wide Web. Simply click the Stumble button and you will jump to a new website based off a personalized interest survey. If the new website does not float your boat, just keep on stumbling. I have come across some pretty amazing websites and videos using StumbleUpon, but I have yet to find anything that was actually worth my time. Also, I might have carpal tunnel syndrome from over clicking.

If you haven’t noticed by now all of these websites, while extremely addicting, are just another thing college students have to deal with. They are also something that students 20 years ago did not have. Just remember this quote from the dorm bathroom flyers, “Do it now. Because telling stories about the TV shows you watched while you were in college won't be interesting in five years.” What I'm saying is don't waste these four years stumbling around the world. Go out and do something. 

Stay classy, not UMassy

Monday, November 16, 2009

Cops Douchier than UNH Cops do Exist

So this past weekend police at Colby-Sawyer College arrested 105 kids, 91 of whom were students, for drinking at a party. First of all these kids were stupid for drinking and partying at a house 200 yards away from the police station, but even UNH cops don't arrest every single kid at a party. Usually they just make everyone leave. 55 of the kids were cited for internal possession. How fucking lame is that? Let's fucking face it, kids in college drink alcohol. It's gonna happen. Yes these fucking kids were idiots for choosing that location, but they go to Colby-Sawyer so give them a break. It's not exactly Harvard. I don't understand why people (cough residents of New London) are thinking this is such a fucking travesty. COLLEGE STUDENTS DRINK BEER. As we saw the other day about 73% of UNH students drink. Cops can keep arresting kids for drinking, but it is not going to make a difference. Anyone who says they didn't drink in college is either A) a hypocrite or B) was in the vast minority. I am not saying everyone drinks, but the majority does. Also, I wonder if these cops arrest every single person who speeds through their little fucking town? I mean if you speed, your breaking the law right? As stupid as these kids were, arresting 105 of them is ridiculous and this fucking police chief was obviously on a severe power trip. 20 bucks says that he got picked on in high school and still doesn't have any friends. I bet these fucking cops were just trying to make some quota or something...

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I have one question this morning...

Why is the rum gone? I realize that it is almost 3 in the afternoon, but I'm still calling it morning. Yesterday I was intoxicated from about 2:30 pm until passing out close to 3 this morning. It was a day/night that involved lots of rum, basketball, more rum, weed, more rum, cheesy fries and passing out with my laptop on the top bunk. (I really wanted to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas because it was on Hulu.) I vaguely remember about the first 2 minutes of the movie. I awoke two hours later with the laptop inches from falling. I really lucked out there. I also finally reached one of my all time goals as a UNH student:
Smoking a joint in the middle of the Upper Quad.
 Suck on that RA's and Cops! I win. What's up with that? Are there not enough trees for you to hide behind in the quad? I'll admit it probably wasn't my brightest idea (probably worst idea ever, actually) but still. I win. I think it proves that old saying that the best places to smoke on campus are usually the worst, because if your friend knows about this "awesome spot in the woods" (cough by Stillings or behind Ham Smith) the cops probably (definitely) know about them too. The best places are where kids usually smoke cigarettes because from a distance no one can tell the difference. As long as you keep an eye on the street and are aware of your surroundings it can be done. Just make it quick. Plus, walking out of the woods is probably the most suspicious thing you can do on campus. Honestly though, if you're going to smoke on campus go to a friend's apartment or house or invest in a vaporizer. I also just came across several pictures and videos from last night. I considered posting them but I would rather have friends.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Saturday Evening Update

Hello blog readers. Excuse any poor grammar, for I am hammered. Hmm, that kind of rhymed. I'm not really sure why I'm posting right now but I felt like I should. I will have a column in both issues of TNH next week so that is pretty cool. I like rum. I'm about to leave for the basketball game, and then I'm just chilling for the night with some friends. Nothing special but it will be fun. I just want to say, fuck the police, fuck the UNH administration and fuck sober people. Wow, thank god for spell check. This is infuriating. I give up, just watch this video:



 Have a good night. Stay drunk, stay safe, stay smart but most of all:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Back For More

I know that UNH always has been a hockey and football school (even though our only National Title came from the 1985 women's lacrosse team) but UNH basketball starts off this weekend with the women's team taking on St. Joe's tonight at 7 at Lundholm. Before the game UNH alumni Jackie MacMullen will be signing copies of her new book she wrote with NBA legends Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
The men's team has their opener Saturday at 7 verse DIII Suffolk. The men's team should be hungry after suffering a heartbreaking loss to Binghamton in the America East Semifinals last year. The 'Cats return four out of five starters, but they really need someone to step up and fill in for standout Tyrece Gibbs who graduated last year. Maybe it will be the Tip-off event all around champion Brian Benson.

I came across an interesting blog the other day that should be helpful to any fans of America East Men's Basketball. Check 'em out: americaleast.blogspot.com. And to college basketball fans in general, I suggest reading clubtrillion. It is written by a manager turned walk-on Mark Titus who was asked to suit up before his sophomore season when two teammates left for the NBA. Titus is now a senior and it hurts to say this, but he goes to the dreaded Ohio State.
This still hurts to watch, but hopefully it will make fans hungry for more:



Stay classy, not UMassy.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Bo Burnham Coming to UNH

Well done SCOPE... but I still hate you...



I take full credit by requesting him on SCOPE's online survey. He is great for a live college show.
Stay classy, not UMassy.

SCOPE

EDIT: read entire post before leaving. Bo Burnham is awesome and I am pumped SCOPE booked him. 


Dear SCOPE,
You claim to be UNH's Student Committee On Popular Entertainment. I think you should switch the "S" to Shitty and "P" to Preventing. I understand that it is impossible please 10,000 college students, but time after time you build up every concert just to let a large amount of students down.

3 PM (ish) Thursday November 12th:
You [SCOPE] have a facebook announcement that says "got a nice announcement for everyone..... check back in a bit for an update." You do not deserve to be able to makes us wait.  The fact of the matter is that if you didn't build up every fucking show as being the greatest thing since sliced bread, then far less people, including me, won't bitch about it being a let down.

3:30 -7 PM:
Between my last classes of the week I begin checking back on SCOPE's facebook, hoping to be surprised with a decent show. I also try looking up the tour dates on band's websites. No luck. I probably tried close to 100 bands or comedians. I suggest to my roommate I think it might be a comedian because there wasn't a homecoming comedian like normally. I still question myself about why I keep checking back, because deep down I know that you will still let me down. (Note: I didn't spend this whole time waiting. I have a life [debatable]. I went downtown to the ATM and to Store 24 among other things.)

8 PM:
I start Thirsty Thursday related activities.

8:25 PM:
You finally posted again with "announcing our next show very shortly." Just fucking come out as say whoever the fuck you got. Seriously, just tell us who you book like it is no big deal and that way no matter who it is we won't be let down. That way if it is someone good, we will react more positively. It is like that old saying "act like you've been there before." I understand that you have a small budget, but don't be douchbags and act like you're the shit because you are not. Play all your shows off like it is your routine, because that is your job. You job is to entertain us, not let us down because the show you booked couldn't live up to it's expectations. 

8:40PM
At this point you haven't announced it yet, but if it is another shitty pop rapper I will freak the fuck out. Rap is terrible live. It's just a bunch of dudes standing on stage with microphones. If you're going to get a rap show, get someone like the Roots who play instruments because drum machines have no soul. Bands are way more entertaining simply because there is more to a band performance.  

8:48 PM:
I'm still fucking waiting... I hate you.

8:57PM:
I notice on your facebook page it says, "The UNH Student Committee On Popular Entertainment brings you the best concerts and entertainment every year. But sorry, we just can't afford Dave Matthews, Kanye West, Jack Johnson, Britney Spears, Taylor Swift, Lil Wayne, Lady Gaga or Rhiana." A) You do not bring us the best concerts and entertainment every year. B) DMB and Kanye are solid, personally I think they both are bit over rated. In both cases I like their older material better. As for the rest, while very popular and would easily sellout, would be terrible live. This just proves how disoriented you are. C) Taylor Swift would be cool, because she is hot and actually talented apart from rappers, but  country wouldn't be good for a college atmosphere. 

9:10 PM:
I decided that even if you get a show I like, I still won't like you for all the shit you put me through over the last few hours. Hopefully this announcement is made soon, I'm getting pissed. And since when is "very shortly" 45 minutes? 

9:25 PM:
One hour is not "very shortly." SCOPE you have officially pissed me off... SCOPE has logged back onto facebook...

9:38 PM: 
A SCOPE member writes "announcing our fall comedian at midnight." I was right with my comedian prediction. I have faith that they can land a solid comedian. I love stand up, so I'm really hoping it is somebody worth paying for.


Stay classy, not UMassy. 


EDIT: 9:50PM Rumors are that it will be youtube star Bo Burnham. I've heard he is very funny for college shows. I am a huge fan of Bo Burnham, well done SCOPE... but I still hate you for making me wait.  I actually checked his website and UNH wasn't listed.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What I Got

You know what really grinds my gears? Logging onto blackboard in hopes of planning your schedule for the next semester, only to see that almost every class is listed as being taught by "staff." All I want to do is to pick my classes by time and professors and they are fucking my shit up! How am I supposed to use "rate my professors" if I don't know what professors I might have? Freshman may not realize this, but during your time at UNH you will learn which professors are awesome and which ones suck; much like in high school. It is very important, especially within your major, to take classes by professors whose style most benefits your individual learning habits. I don't see why they can't just let us know in advanced which professors are teaching which sections. I know as time goes by a few of those will become known, but nothing sucks more than getting stuck with a professor you previously had and did not like. Usually you can switch out, but there is not always that opportunity depending on which credits you need and whether or not those classes are open or closed. Another thing that pisses me off is that I'll have at least one class on Fridays next semester, I've been spoiled this year and that is going to be a tough adjustment. There is only one class I absolutely have to take next semester and all three sections on on M,T,W, and F. Why not have class on Thursday and have Fridays or Mondays off? Stupid language requirements...

Now that I got that out of the way...
My final advertising shipments have finally arrived. I have already begun some minor test runs by putting some cards around a couple dorms. Seeing as there aren't any home hockey or football games this weekend I will probably be littering the campus with these new and improved flyers, business cards and wallet calenders.

Business Cards (Top) Flyers and Wallet Calenders (Bottom)

Hopefully these will help advertise the blog a little better around campus because I always like getting new readers.

Lastly, happy Veterans Day! Thank you Veterans, and I hope everyone enjoyed their day off. America, fuck yeah:



Stay classy, not UMassy.

Crooked Monkey T-Shirts

Crooked Monkey T-Shirts was started in May 0f 2005 by two friends at the University of Maryland. Their college humor style shirts rapidly gained national attention and Crooked Monkey can now be found at Urban Outfitters, Nordstrom, Lord and Taylor, Kitson, Fred Segal and over 550 other retailers across the world.
About a week ago I was contacted by one of their reps asking me to write up a review. At first I wasn't sure about it, but I realized that they really don't need the advertising, they just want to to let their logo be seen on every college campus. After looking at some of their merchandise I knew that these shirts could be a huge hit here at UNH. So, check out their shirts, because in a few weeks when all the cool kids are wearing Crooked Monkey, I want to be able to take credit.
They have shirts of all styles including one liners such as "I'm not a gardener, I just like hos" and "Coke: Healthier than Crack" to environmental awareness shirts, including one that features a cartoon planet Earth proclaiming "It's Gettin' Hot in Here." But, don't just take my word for it. See for yourself and I am sure that you will see something you like. Guys click here. And ladies click here. At least checkout their homepage and click on things for the monkey to do.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Like a Pro: Campus Assaults

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday issues of the UNH student newspaper, TNH. This is the blog, unedited version of this week's column.

The news of the recent assaults around campus has been very disturbing for me to think about. Student on student violence is a terrible thing and it will never solve any problem. However, the real problem that has emerged has been the student reactions to these assaults. As we all know there were numerous students who witnessed the Halloween attack, but not one student stepped forward to speak. Not one student called the police as the attack was taking place. I have a couple of points brought up by the most recent assault that I would like to briefly touch on.

Most students have probably seen the facebook group that was started in support of the victim, which I think is great. However, some of the messages left in the group and on the anonymous UNH message board really made me question the integrity of some of my fellow students. There were several students who blindly claimed that this victim deserved what happened because he probably mouthed off to the suspects. I am sorry, but I do not see how saying a few words would allow someone to be beaten unconscious by at least three other people. According to the police reports that attack was random and unprovoked, but even if words were spoken there is no justification for what happened.

On these same message boards rumors quickly spread over a girl who allegedly had a video recording of the attack. This girl and the other bystanders were afraid to come forward because they feared getting arrested. First of all, these people need to realize it is more important to help the police find these suspects then protecting themselves from the law. Who knows, maybe the suspects will strike again and it all could have been prevented if these witnesses immediately came forward. This is one of the many reasons why UNH needs to adopt a “Good Samaritan Policy,” something that 91 college campuses already have in place.

I was very pleased to learn that the student senate is currently trying to get such a policy passed, which would allow students to call for medical help or police assistance for an emergency involving drugs or alcohol without getting arrested or facing severe punishment from the school. This policy would keep students from hesitating to contact authorities when a situation goes out of hand. Policies like these have been extremely successful for the health and well being of students at schools across the country. I feel that a policy like this at UNH would greatly increase the chances of someone contacting authorities, which in the long run could save a life. Students, I ask you to reconsider your priorities. Putting yourself ahead of the safety of your fellow students is sad and any witnesses who refused to come forward should be ashamed of themselves.

I know that the factor of police techniques on campus has been brought up before, but I feel it is necessary to reexamine the situation. I understand that the campus police can only do so much, but I also know that extra police were called in for Halloween weekend. To make alcohol related arrests. I know that the police arrived on the scene very quickly, but maybe a better game plan by the police could have prevented this from happening. I am not a police commissioner nor am I an expert on policing techniques, but it would make more sense to me for cops to spend less time hiding in the woods looking for drunk freshman and more time patrolling different areas of campus. I can’t believe how many times I have been to the Durham House of Pizza during my time at UNH, only to see three or four cops parked across the street. Is that really necessary? Would it not be more efficient for the campus police to spread out in order to protect the students of UNH? These are questions that our local authorities really need to think about.

Lastly, I would like to thank President Huddleston for his letter last week. He could not have been more right when he said that UNH is a community and students need to look out for one another. If there is a “next time,” and hopefully there is not, maybe someone will call the police before things get out of hand. Let us learn from this experience in order to make changes to further strengthen the community of UNH.

Stay classy, not UMassy

Monday, November 9, 2009

Holidays are Sweet

Who says UNH is the University of No Holidays? I'm pretty sure we have Wednesday off! Which makes Tuesday night like a weekend which makes tonight an honorary Thirsty Thursday. Your welcome for enlightening you and enjoy.
Friday night I learned that D-Hop and Kurt's should never be visited one directly after the other. At first my stomach was really digging that idea, but as the night continued I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. Somehow I avoided the dreaded pizza puke, but at one point I thought I might have a heart attack. Seeing as I have two exams tomorrow I'm keeping this short... to make up for it I will post my column for tomorrow's TNH right after midnight.

Either some intern was just like"Hey likes make a W with our fingers" or Bush is a player.

Stay classy, not UMassy

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Caption Contest

Post your funniest captions as a comment. Winner gets their comment posted in the comment section! And so does the losers!

(click photo to enlarge)
What happened: Bobby Butler was on a break away and slid into BC sieve John Muse who who needed assistance (or a quickie) from the trainer. Butler got called for roughing, a terrible call. BC scored all four of their goals on the power-play, two of which were complete gifts from the referees.

Therefore, last night's Vaive-Hack-Douche award (which I forgot to give out after the NE and Maine games) goes to the #7 referee Scott Hansen, who is in his 10th year as an official and works full time as a salesman... Hey, Scott maybe your should spend more time learning the rules of Hockey East and less time trying to sell stupid shit that nobody wants. Sadly, I couldn't find a picture of him.

The team returns to action Sunday against UMass-Lowell (Amherst rejects). The game can be watched on ESPNU at 5, but for some stupid reason UNH doesn't get that channel. Fucking lame.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Let's Get Physical

Hey UNH hockey, when you're going through rough patches sometimes you got to notch up the level of physicality. A big hit will pump up the crowd, teammates and could swing the momentum of the game. Take note from this chick on the New Mexico soccer team:


Stay Classy, not UMassy... (or New Mexico-y.)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Have You Seen These!?!?

The cards can be found all over campus, mostly in the bathrooms and the displays on the tables inside HOCO and Philbrook...

If you can't read the bottom part it says, "We got the facts from you! 27% of UNH students report not drinking on a weekly basis!

First of all whoever made that was probably drunk. "Over 3,000 UNH student won't drink..." Really 3,000 student? How about proofreading? It is not like they're writing a blog. So apparently the other 73% (about 9,000) students do drink alcohol on a weekly basis. I'm sure some of that 27% drinks too, but just not every week. And UNH is proud of this! UNH is admitting that almost 3/4 of their students get shit-faced every week and they are saying that is a good thing. How fucking ridiculous is that! Probably a large amount of those students are underaged too. Going by the logic that freshmen, sophomores and some juniors out number the other juniors and seniors. (Most students turn 21 their junior year.) Also, I don't believe that this survey included grad students because if that were the case 27% would have more than 3,000 (between 3,500 to 4,000). According to my research (read: wikipedia) UNH has about 12,200 undergrads and about 2,400 post-grad students.Well, to the 73% who realize that you're in college, enjoy your Thirsty Thursday and to those other 27% have a nice night watching TV:
"Because telling stories about the TV shows you watched while you were in college won't be interesting in five years." That is basically begging you to go out and party. Man, I love UNH.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hey Swine Flu:

Fuck you. As you all have most likely heard 4 students at UNH have tested positive for swine flu, which means that another few dozen probably have it. So wash your hands and stay the fuck away from me.

That being said I have a challenge for UNH students. After seeing the success of "Party at UNH" (and by success I mean hearing people talk about it and actually playing it) I challenge a student to write "Granite State of Mind" using Jay-Z's hit "Empire State of Mind." My musical ability ends after drunken karaoke so I'm not going to embarrass myself, but think of the potential...

I mean at least it will be better than whatever the fuck this is:


Seriously, that was probably the worst thing I've ever seen. I had to look Plies up because I though it was supposed to be a joke or something like the Icy Hot Stuntaz, but no. It is real.

Stay classy, not UMassy.