On A Warm December Night

The semester is almost over and it is a rare warm December night at UNH. That means we must get in some good partying before finals and the holiday break. So I'm going to keep this short today. Go get trashed and do you're part in helping UNH reclaim that party school reputation. In other news, Stephenson Billings commented on an older post. He called me a pervert for naming my vaporizer "The Investigative Journalist," but he actually found the blog by Google searching his own, albeit it fake, name. Google searching yourself is pretty much like masturbating in the mirror, so who is the pervert now? Here is a good life lesson: If you ever find yourself in an intense match of hangman, use the word "sphinx" it is a guaranteed stumper. Also, I refuse to play "Farmville" on facebook until you can grow weed or use the barns as meth labs. It isn't realistic enough for me. Did you know that British Columbia's top export is marijuana? Fuck apple orchards...

This is an awesome performance of one of my new favorite songs, hope you like it.


Stay safe, stay smart, stay drunk and most of all,
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Sober Week

For a while now I have been thinking about writing a post about my experiences doing a “Sober Week.” It was going to be a timeline/narrative about a week in which I restrained from drugs (weed) and alcohol (including wine). I decided that a week that included a visit home would be best because I’m not 21 so I can’t drink around my parents. I ended up deciding to give it a shot for Thanksgiving weekend, because I would be home Wednesday morning to Sunday night so that would limit my drinking, and obviously, any “weeding” situations.  I decided to start on that Tuesday and finish off the following Tuesday. So I was sure to make Monday extra fun pounding Miller High-Lifes and using the Investigative Journalist to do some hardcore investigation. I made sure to finish up before midnight so Tuesday could count towards Sober Week.

Night One Tuesday: 8:00PM (20 hours sober):

I realize that I have a bunch beers left in my fridge. Never in my life/in my time at college had I had beer in my fridge for over a week and I so I never learned how long it can last. I decide it is too great a risk to leave in there for the duration of Thanksgiving break. Therefore I threw back a few, but I left one, a number I was willing to sacrifice. I decide that this was an emergency to prevent stale beer so therefore it wouldn’t count against sober week. I had made it threw the first day.

Day Two Wednesday: 2:30PM (38.5 hours sober)

I am playing hide-and-seek with two younger cousins. I realize that it would be way better if I was bakedest maximus.

Night Two Wednesday: 8PM (44 hours sober)

I am at my brother’s apartment before going to see the new Warren Miller ski movie in Portsmouth. A Rolling Rock beer is placed in front me. In fear of it going warm I drink it down. Crisis averted. So was once again it was an emergency so my sober streak continues.

Day Three: Thursday: 4PM Thanksgiving: (64 hours sober)

I’m at my aunt and uncle’s in Maine. My brother slips a few shots of rum into my diet Pepsi. None of the adults notice. Plus 5 ninja points for him. I can’t waist a perfectly good soda so I am forced to drink it. It was for the sake of the environment so the sober streak in unharmed.

Night Three: Thursday: 9:30 PM (69.5 hours sober)

Both my parents go off to bed, tired from the party and drive home. I suddenly realize that I “accidentally” packed my vaporizer and weed. I realize that I couldn’t risk my mom finding them, especially together so I come to the conclusion that I must get rid of the weed. The best way to get rid of weed is to smoke it, or vape it in my case. I bring it down to the basement heat it up and inhale; because that is the point, right Obama? Here is a timeline inside a timeline. Yeah, a double timeline. Or timeline². 

• 9:45PM Vape
• 9:55PM Return item to hidden location in my closet.
• 10:00PM Eat half a family sized box of Triscits.
• 10:20PM Eat massive amounts of sunflower seeds.
• 10:55PM Eat sleeve of Ritz crackers.
• 11:00PM Eat cold pepperoni, wish I had more Ritz or Triscuts and some cheese.
• 11:15PM Make and eat peanut-butter sandwich.
• 11:27PM I start writing this. And listening to my itunes. I start with a few from The Band off the Last Waltz. As I skim through my itunes I come to Boston’s “More than a Feeling” I am too tempted to do karaoke and my parents are sleeping so I decide to skip it. Next is Bruce’s “Glory Days” same situation. I realize that I have an awesome selection on my itunes and I give Old Crow Medicine Show a few songs and soon move onto Pink Floyd. 
• 11:48PM It is right now. I guess I should stop, because I can’t write about the future… yet... Well, I have investigated that due to the difficulty of typing and how badly I am relying on spell check I say that I am still quite high.
• 11:50PM I’ve always liked Pink Floyd, but holy shit! This is insane. I feel every note in my body. David Gilmour’s solo in “Dogs” has an acupuncture/prickly feeling when you’re high.
• 11:58 PM All of fucking “Animals” by Floyd is so fucking awesome. Wow. Damn vaporizers are efficient. Fuck. Yes.

 *(NOTE: Everything to this point was written under the influence of marijuana.) 

Day Four: Friday 10:07AM (82 hours sober)

I can’t believe I have lasted this long. This is pretty insane. Taking care of that herb was for my own protection, therefore my sober streak in still intact. Take that Joe DiMaggio! Your hit-streak lasted 56 games, but only a true Iron Horse could go 82 hours sober.

Day Five: Saturday 2:00 PM (110 hours sober)

In order to complete some more ninja missions my brothers and I vape up the rest of that herb. The ninja missions are 100% successful, but the details must be kept on the down-low for now. Be prepared for the ultimate multi-media project yet, but it may be a while. This doesn't impact my sober streak because it was for the good of a ninja mission.

Day Six: Sunday 2:30PM (134.5 hours sober)

This is right now, as I write this. I'm back at my dorm and I finish off that last beer and watch some football. Good news it that it still tasted fine. But I have decided to give up on my sober streak because I can't lie to myself anymore. I guess Stephenson Billings is right I am a no-good alcoholic pot addict. Oh, well at least I'm enjoying college to the fullest.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Meet "The Investigative Journalist"

For those of you who read this more than once by accident you may remember my email conversation I had with Christwire writer, and fraud, Stephenson Billings. If I didn't make it clear before Christwire is complete satire, but they try hard to make it seem like they are true fundamentalists. This is why I emailed Stephenson again. When I asked him how he felt about me naming a new drug device after him he said:

"Hello dope fiend,

I am saddened to hear you are still addicted to pot, even at your age. I'm sure your poor mother cries every night over your failure to achieve anything in life. How many years have you been at UNH? Six? Eight? I hear most students don't graduate in less than a decade they're in such a stupor. Well, the cold weather is my only consolation. You must be freezing up there in that hellish little corner of Canada South. Good luck with your homework and please don't name any more narcotic apparatuses after me.

Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist"

This is why I have decided to name my new vape "The Investigative Journalist." I think it will have a great impact on future blog posts. Maybe like a summary of events about what goes on after breaking out The Investigative Journalist. Last night my roommate and I decided to test this idea. So after we "vaped' (remember it is not smoking) we decided to play some video games, MLB The Show 2009 to be exact. After realizing that all three base umpires was the same guy (this really freaked us out, we thought he was spying on us) we began to nickname some of the players on the Red Sox. Luckily I wrote them down, here are a few of the best ones:

• Mike Lowell- The Dirty Cigar (he's Cuban)
• Jed Lowrie- The Antelope (Lowrie->Logan Airport->planes->plains->Antelope)
• Jacoby Ellsbury- Squanto McGahee (He's a Native American and fast like Willis McGahee)
• Dustin Pedrioa- The Steamroller (he packs a punch)
• Jason Bay- Roswell (he looks like an alien)
• Tim Wakefield - William Takefield (purely awesome)

During the game I turned a triple play and I feel that it is extremely important to add that I won. I didn't write anything else, but next time I'll try to take better notes.

Stay classy, not UMassy.