Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu Reaction at UNH

It appears that Swine Flue has gotten the best of people here at UNH. Just recently the Durham Chief of Police ordered SCOPE to purchase 5,000 masks for people to wear at this weekend's Lupe Fiasco concert. Once again SCOPE came up short and they were only able to purchase 300 masks. The masks will be available to the first 300 hundred people who ask, but don't even bother. These masks are too porous and the virus can easily seep through into one's airway. This really is not a big deal because on average only 1-2 people die in a year because of Swine Flu. Compare that to the 35,000-37,000 the die in a given year from the basic human flu. Swine Flu is just another case of the media blowing up something and scaring the public. The same thing happens every year with dozens of different viruses and diseases. Within a few weeks this will all go away and people will realize how badly they overreacted. Here is my equation I developed for the situation: Hyper Media + Ignorant Public = Unnecessary Reactions. Don't be stupid people.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

One Month Epic Post

Over the past month I feel as though we have shared a few laughs and I really wanted to relive them. I figured there would be no better way to look back on the past month than a cheesy slideshow. Listen and watch carefully because just about every picture coincides with a post. And yes, when the lyrics match up with the images that shit was planned. This isn't some Dark Side Of the Moon and Wizard of Oz conspiracy, although I do watch that synched up from time to time. You all better enjoy this because I put some fucking time and effort into this mofo. So here you go. That being said now I can go do some school work for a change... 

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Letter to Philbrook Dining Hall

Dear Philbrook,
False alarm. Don't worry, it appears my puking excursion last night was unrelated to the swine flu. But that means that it was your fault.  Around 6:45 I made a trip over to the Philbrook dining hall to eat. I had some chicken marinara with some pasta and an apple. It was a delicious meal and I wolfed it down. I even had two extra pieces of chicken. Flash forward a few hours and the Celtics and Bulls game is going down to the wire... again. All of a sudden my stomach starts to burn, then my throat and into my mouth. I make it to my trash can just in time to see my entire dinner be regurgitated into the bottom of the container. It was all there, pieces of chicken, pasta and most noticeably the apple. I laid down in bed and passed out, completely missing overtime of the game. I didn't even get to see Rajon Rondo fishhook Brad Miller to the floor! Later I talked to a source who works at Philbrook and I was told to never eat the chicken. My roommate had a very similar experience earlier in the year after eating some of your buffalo chicken pizza. Hey Philly, it's one thing to take our trays away to be more "environmentally friendly" but it's another to poison us with your gross chicken. Keep your food sanitary. As a side note I had not been drinking alcohol. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.
The New Hampshirite

That is the actual letter I submitted into the Philbrook suggestion box. I hope they take it serious, the guy who answers them is usually a douche. Anyways, I have something a little more serious to discuss.

 Today would be Timothy Treadwell's 48th birthday had he not been mauled by a bear on October 5th 2003. Treadwell was a bear enthusiast and every summer for 13 straight years he would travel to Alaska to live with the grizzly bears. Treadwell was made famous by Werner Herzog's  documentary Grizzly Man. (<-trailer) The film used footage shot by Treadwell and his friend, Amie Huguenard, during their last trip to Alaska where they were both attacked and eaten by a bear. If you haven't seen the documentary, I highly recommend it, many parts of the film can be found on youtube. It shows both sides of Treadwell, who had mental problems most likely caused by his addiction to alcohol, heroine and cocaine in his younger years. He found peace with the bears, something that he never found in human society. He claimed he would go to Alaska to protect the bears, but it was obvious that he was just really delusional and would go there to escape society. 

Be prepared for the epic one month post. I should have it up right after midnight. 

Stay classy, not UMassy. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Bus to the Beach

As the weather gets nice out many students at the University of New Hampshire have hopes of heading to the beaches. Every time I walk outside I see dozens of students outside laying out on blankets, wishing that they could be at the beach. Take a stroll by T-Hall or the lawn in front of Congreve and it looks like beach without sand or water. Due to the fact that parking spots are so expensive and hard to come by, many students do not have cars. I believe that the University should provide a beach bus route to one of the lovely New Hampshire beaches. The buses could run on a limited schedule starting in late April. I believe that students would be willing to even pay a small fare, such as a dollar, for the bus. If free transportation can be provided to Portsmouth I do not see why there can not be a beach route. 

While I'm in a beach state of mind here is a great song that no trip to the beach is complete without.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Worst Mom Ever

I came across this news article today and I felt it was necessary to share it with you all. It appears that the worst mother ever lives in the UK. She is Leanne Salt, the mother of 8-month-old triplets, and claims she is too busy to do housework or to cook food for the babies.  So she takes them to McDonalds. 

'They were six months old when they had their first McDonald's,' she said. 'They had chicken nuggets and chips and loved it.

'They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that's healthy.'

Salt, who weights 30 stones (about 420 pounds) was the heaviest person ever to have triplets (40 stones or 560 pounds at the time of the birth) and it took a team of 68 doctors to perform her C-section. She blames her obesity on a thyroid problem. I found this piece of the article the most disturbing:

'Foods high in salt and fat can lead to diarrhoea, hyperactivity, diabetes and, in extreme cases, fitting and fatal heart attacks.

'These children are at extreme risk of becoming overweight in the near future if their diet continues in this way.'

The house is full of unwashed laundry and piles of toys, and Miss Salt says she and her babies only get dressed and go out once a week to collect her benefits.

Really? Thyroids? I think that you just like fast-food, and obviously you are just really lazy. You claim that you are too busy to cook and do housework, but you don't have a job and you live with your mother. Someone really needs to knock some sense into this lady. There is nothing I hate to see more then obese children because, unless it is a health problem, it is always the parent's fault. If you're wondering about the father, it was her boyfriend of four weeks, they split up about halfway through the pregnancy and he sends benefits. I hope that the children will grow up to live a healthy life. I recommend clicking the link above to read the full article, and to see pictures of Miss Salt. I think her last name is very appropriate. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Monday Week Preview

Just a quick post today, I want to briefly touch on a few topics. First of all I got some bad news. It seems as though another year has passed where I went undrafted by all the NFL teams. It appears as though I will have to submit a player application to the UFL. I was pretty disappointed after watching all 15 hours of the draft this weekend without hearing my name called. It was a surreal moment, and I guess I will have to look elsewhere to become a millionaire. The good news is that both the MLB and NBA drafts are coming up in June, so I have my fingers crossed. 

You all may be unaware that Thursday April 30th will be the one month anniversary of the University of Nonsensical Happenings.  I just finished up my multi-media project to reminisce on the past month. Hopefully it will draw out a few laughs, and maybe even a few tears. I will promise you one thing, it is fucking epic but it should not be taking to seriously. You will have to wait until Thursday though to enjoy it and all it's glory. 

I just learned that the UNH annual Blue/White football game will be played on May 9th. That should be a good preview for the fall. Hopefully the team will continue with their upward trend they have experienced over the last five years or so. 

Also there is a new UNH blog in circulation that seems to encourage some of the same activities as I do. It's pretty entertaining, check 'em out UNH-Hi-Lites

I leave you now with today's song of the day. These guys are very talented musicians who really enjoy what they do. The play bluegrass and folk, a very under-appreciated genre of music here at UNH. They are Old Crow Medicine Show with their song "Alabama High Test." Enjoy. (For those of you wondering: Yes, I do like rap music even though I rarely post it. I'm just trying to introduce other bands and genres that most students at UNH don't listen to.) 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Night as The New Hampshirite

Notes: Everything you are about to read took place on the UNH campus between 9 pm and 3 am Saturday night into Sunday morning. All the times listed are rough estimates, but I assure I didn't make this up. Out of respect for the drunk, all names have been omitted. 

9:04 pm:A floor-mate asks me to smoke with him and another friend. I am tempted to, but decline because I had the intentions of keeping track of the night's adventures and I figured one type of memory clouding substance was enough.

9:05 pm:He tells me that I "better be as fucked up as him by the time he returns." I knew that wouldn't happen but I put in a decent effort. 

9:10 pm: I put on the Lakers/Jazz game in hopes of seeing an upset. Kobe proves he is good at basketball, and not just ra.. consenting with women he is not married to. 

9:11 pm: Crack open the first Keystone Light of the night.

9:12 pm: Finish said beverage.

9:15 pm: Finish beverage numero dos.  

9:17 pm: Friends return. They seem to be in a good mood. I finish my third beverage. We attempt to play Resident Evil 4 on PS3, my friend has trouble explaining the game controls so I return to my room.

9:24 pm: Four beers down. 

Not much happened for a little while, I believe we talked of the NFL draft and the Sox game. 
*Note the Red Sox "Kobe Bryanted" the Yankees these last two games. 

10:00 pm ish: (Times are now even bigger estimates.) After I finish my 5th beer in under an hour we decide to play Kings. No one else has drank yet. 

10:02 pm: Another floor-mate enters my room with two high school seniors he was showing around for the weekend. We start to play. (There are five of us, one of the original kids left.) 

10:16 pm: I pick an 8 and I have to make a rule. The 8's were going fast and the "Little Man" and "No Names" rule were already in effect. I decide that my rule is that no one can use the bathroom until the game is over.

10:16 pm: I realize that I have to pee.

10:27 pm: One of the high school kids mentions that my room is really cool and he likes my game rules. This is the 3rd or 4th time he has said this. I realize that he is a lightweight.

10:30 pm: I really have to pee at this point. I threaten to piss out the window and my less-drunk friends egg me on. I decide not to. 

10:34 pm: At this point they all start to play really slow in hopes of me resorting to peeing out the window. 

10:37 pm:  A ten in picked. Car companies are chosen as the category. The first kid says BMW. The second kids says beamer. 

10:46 pm: The game ends. I leave to pee.  I lost track of how many I had a while ago. It was a 40 minute game of Kings and we were ruthless to each other.

10:52 pm: I return from peeing. 

11:17 pm: We begin the wonderful game of  "Fuck the Dealer." I do not have the ability to give a detailed play-by-play of this game.

11:28 pm: My friend yells "I feel like a Jabbawockee!" 
11:35 pm: Game ends. We all urinate for a while and decide to go to DHOP.

11:45 pm: We all manage to make it outside. Two motorcycle cops drive by us on the path. One of the high schoolers thinks we in trouble. I laugh at him. The cops continue driving. 

11:47 pm: We pass two friends. They tell us that DHOP's ovens are broken. I make the executive decision to carry on.  I was hoping that they were broken so I could start a street riot. 

11:54 pm: As we pass the Dump a group of three girls cross the street and walk in front of us. I talk loudly about DHOP's ovens being broken. They laugh. I ask if they are laughing at me, but they say that they are laughing at all of us. I thank them for not singling me out. 

11:55 pm: The girls group and my group merge into one mixed gender group. We agree to start a riot if the ovens are broken. 

11:56 pm: DHOP is open. I am slightly disappointed because I wanted to riot, but my sadness leaves as I bite into the first of my two pepperoni slices. The warmth and greasiness of the pizza is awesome. 

12:04 am: Happy Sunday. We make a circle in front of DHOP. As we talk, one friend makes a remake about being drunk in public. A very attractive girl comes out of nowhere and says "Don't worry I'm 21." (Debatable.) My friend replies "I wasn't talking to you."  The girl seems confused. My friend explains the situation and she leaves. We all rip apart my friend because she clearly wanted to "talk" with him and he completely shut her down. He is a dumbass and will hear about this forever. 

12:45 am:  We are on our way back to our dorm. We make fun of our friend. I start telling everyone we pass that "I am a celebrity" and that "You read me!"  I also told one group that I was Fat Joe. (If you haven't figured it out yet, I was quite intoxicated.) 

1:18 am: We are back in our dorm. Went continued ripping on our friend this entire time. The two high schoolers are pretty much passed out. So is one of my other friends. It's just me and the dumbass. 

1:27 am: I leave to go to bed, within 5 minutes the dumbass knocks on my door and convinces me to go back to DHOP to redeem himself.

1:34 am: On our way back to DHOP I tell him he better not fuck it up again because he dragged me out of bed. 

1:40 am: We arrive at DHOP. I lean up against the building because I am extremely tired. He starts smoking a cigar. 

1:51 am: We talk to about 3 or 4 girls until the right opportunity comes (1:57 am). I can tell she digs him, so I help keep the conversation going. She mentions that her friends left to go to Store 24.

1:59 am:  She says her friends haven't come back yet so  she has to walk back to the SERCS alone. My friend doesn't pick up the cue. I start to think that he really is a huge dumbass. 

2:03 am: The girl turns around for a second, at this I moment I whip out my cellphone and act as though I'm getting a call. I walk away past my friend and whisper, "offer to walk her back." I walk over to a bench and pretend to talk on my phone. 

2:05 am: They finally leave together, as my friend passes me, he kicks me. He is smiling. I am awesome.

2:20 am: I return to my bed and go to sleep.

I did everything that I could. I played the greatest wingman roll ever.  Let me know what you think. Who is the better wingman? Mystery, Tom Cruise or The New Hampshirite?  

Stay classy, not UMassy.

PS: 11:30 am: I am informed that when they got back to her building she said "My boyfriend appreciates that you walked me back." 

EDIT: 1:28 pm: I realize that I forgot a lot of shit. There was an entire person I forgot about. He was with us the all night. He was missing half a finger from a childhood accident with a stationary bike.  Same thing happened to one of my brothers, but it was only his finger nail and it grew back.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fuck Yeah Friday

Welcome to the debut post of "Fuck Yeah Friday!" It's warm, the sun and shining and the Sox take on the Yankees tonight at Fenway. Oh yeah, and it's a fuckin' Friday at UNH! It is time to party hard, we need to step up if we want to get back into the top 10 party schools. It's up to you to make the change. I hope to see you at DHOP tonight, singing loud and dancing awesomely. I'll probably be there, this may be your once chance to spot the New Hampshirite in action. 

Readers, I just realized that our one month anniversary is rapidly approaching! You can expect an awesome and corny "look back" post which will be the first of hopefully many multimedia posts. 

Here is today's song of the day. If you don't like it pound a few and turn up the volume to 11. I present the ultimate  band of gypsies. They have soul, they have talent, and best of all they know how to party. They are Gogol Bordello. 

The school year is winding down, so party hard, have fun and be smart. You all better be at DHOP tonight.
Stay Classy, Not UMassy.

Student Body Election Results Rigged, Blog Readers Outraged

After viewing the results of this years student body elections I have come to the conclusion that the election was rigged. If you look at the figures it is quite obvious that foul play was conducted. According to today’s article by Michaela Christensen in TNH about the election, only 1,958 out of 11,720 students voted. At the time of the election this blog had recorded over 1,000 faithful visitors. Over the past week I wrote two articles not only encouraging students to vote, but also expressing my candidate of choice, Chris McGown. However, McGown and his running mate Brendan Jones only recorded 413 votes, which was good for a third place finish. (At least they beat the kid who wore the sweater vest; I told you that wouldn’t end well.) I know my readers, and they would jump off a bridge if I told them too. So how could they not vote for the candidate I backed? This leads to two possible explanations:

  1. Blackboard malfunctioned and gave votes to the wrong people.
  2. The university realized that my blog single handedly decided who would win the election. They didn’t want me to realize my influential power so over 600 votes weren’t counted. That’s voter fraud, bitches.

Either way, that means that I was responsible for over half the voters in this year’s election. You’re welcome, I know that the voter turnout was low, but without me it would have been an epic fail. I would like to congratulate Marie Charlotte Noreng and Richard Washburn Peyser III on their victory, but I have my eye on you two, so you better not screw up.

Stay Classy, Not UMassy. 

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Student of Fortune

Hello readers, I was recently contacted by the kind folks at StudentofFortune. This is a site designed to assist college students with their homework. I did some outside research, apart from what they sent me, and it seems like a very reliable and legitimate service. This is how the site works according to their facebook page:

If you're a student, just post a question you're struggling with. We'll send your question to all of the tutors on Student of Fortune, and they'll write custom tutorials that will teach you how to solve your difficult homework assignment (and others like it). Pick a tutorial that looks good, buy it, learn the material, and ace all of your classes!If you're a tutor, write great tutorials and earn lots of money, even thousands of dollars...all for helping students to learn! One more thing - everyone is a student and tutor. So, if you're really good with calculus but lousy at geology, earn money helping students with calculus and get the geology help you need! We bet you never though your calculus would be integral to deriving some knowledge about rocks...

 I hope you look into the site; it seems like a very easy way to earn some money. It works on the same basis of eBay, you post a question and how much you are willing to spend on the answer, and then you pick which answer you want. If you’re not convinced about its legitimacy check out this article posted in the University of Southern California paper. The article also states how since it is tutoring format, it is not considered cheating because the site doesn’t do the work for you. 

This is a link to their FAQ page, hopefully it will help you decide if the site is for you.

Stay Classy, Not UMassy.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Truthiness of UNH

Let me start off this article about UNH’s truthiness  by saying I am double tasking while writing this. I am not only writing, but also playing videogames. Double tasking is a huge part of my daily basis, and most students here at UNH would probably agree. I mean sometimes I shave my awesome facial hair while in the shower. Other times I read or do homework on the toilet. College is all about time management, once you are able to figure how to handle your time; the workload is not bad at all. Take advantage of the library hours, they are open until 2am on some days which allows for maximum procrastination. 

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I just say time management is important? Yes, but procrastination is a fine skill to have at UNH and the quicker you are able to master it, the better off you will be. The key to procrastination is understanding what is okay to put off and how to make priorities. For example, I am double tasking right now so I can watch the Bruins rip the Canadians a new one tonight followed by a new South Park, which is supposed to be about pirates. That episode will be awesome.  But you know what would be even awesomer? If the pirates in real life had real pirate ships. If that were the case I would drop out in a second and join those swashbucklers.

Another example of setting priorities is the fact that I have an English paper and a history paper do Friday, another history paper due Monday and a second English paper due next Friday. I know what your thinking. That is a lot of trees I’m killing! BAM! And you thought you wouldn’t have to put up with any other Earth day bullshit. I had to watch Al “I created the Internet” Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth this week. It should have been title “The Inconvenient Truthiness of How to Scare People to Believe in ManBearPig.” Anyways, what I was saying about my essay clusterfuck, I decided to write one English paper this afternoon, the first history paper tomorrow, and second history paper over the weekend (Sunday night) and the second English paper next week (next Thursday night). Notice how I am able to make priorities, by managing my time efficiently and maximizing procrastination all at the same time. That is a skill my friends, and I recommend you take notes, especially with finals rapidly approaching. (Seriously though, take notes in your lectures too, and shut the fuck up. I don’t care how wasted you got last night). Don't over study, that can be a real concern as well, but that is for another post. Oh, do I detect foreshadowing? I guess you will have to keep checking back to find out.

Stay Classy, Not UMassy.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Students at UNH will soon be picking their classes for the fall 2009 semester and I have decided to  give some advice on some general education classes.  These are some of the gen ed's I have taken and basically what they were like and how I felt about them.

Mirc 407 (Germs 101)- Germs is a highly requested class here at UNH because it fills up one of the three lab sciences that are required. It is a very easy class, but it can also be very boring. A lot of it is busy work, especially the group projects, which feel like a huge waste of time. Germs requires you to buy a clicker and access code which are about $18-20 each, but you probably only use them about 7 times the entire semester. I would recommend this class, even though it is very pointless,  because it definitely helps out the ole GPA. 

Polt 401 (Politics and Society aka Hell)- This is by far the worse class I have ever taken in my entire life. The class revolves around reading political philosophy including Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, and many others including the novels "Lord of the Flies" and "Walden Two." This class is very hard because it is solely based on the quizzes and three exams. One bad grade and it can be hard to get even a B. I would not recommend this class to anyone. Polt 401 in a nutshell:
  1. read assignments
  2. listen to professor lecture about the readings in a manner equally confusing as the readings (I have paid attention for entire lectures without writing one note.)
  3. take a once a week quiz that is really easy
  4. repeat steps 1-3 for a couple weeks
  5. take an exam
  6. realize that quizzes are so easy because the exams are the hardest test you have ever taken in your life
  7. listen to the professor explain that he was surprised the test scores were low because he felt he made them easy... (Class average on the 1st exam was a  55%) 
  8. repeat steps 1-7 three times
Hist 406 (Modern US History)- I actually really enjoyed this class. It started out really slow but once we got to the 1920's and on it became really interesting. My class had three 2 page papers worth 10%, one essay worth 25% and midterm and a final (15 and 20% each) with a 10% attendance grade. So if you're one to skip classes I wouldn't recommend this class. Depending on the professor it should be an easy B as long as you put in a decent effort.

Hist 421 (Ancient Civ.'s Pre 16th Century) This class is boring, but should be a very easy C/B. I got a B+ in this class during the fall semester. In my section we didn't take one test or quiz and it was completely based on a few essays and participation in Friday discussions. Even the midterm and final were take home essays. I don't understand how it wasn't considered "writing intensive." If your good at writing solid analysis papers in 3-5 pages this class will be very easy. 

Psych 401 (Intro to Psych)- There are many different sections to this class and the professors teach them all differently. I had about a 200 person lecture that was based on four exams (20% each) attendance (15%, in 10 random classes we filled out a notecard worth 1.5 points) and 5% was for participation in a out of class study by a psych major. (Usually just filling out a survey). 

ESci 501 (Intro to Oceanography)- This class revolves around 4 exams worth 20% each and a lab grade worth 20%. Two of the exams are easy (In my class they were the 1st and 4th), one exam is very hard (3rd) and the second exam was sorta hard. The labs are pretty easy, but compared to other science gen-ed's this class more challenging. I found oceanography to be the most interesting science I have taken, but it was also on of the harder ones because it does have actual labs and not just "hand washing labs" like in Germs. The book cost $80 and I didn't use it once. 

Math 420 (Finite Math)- If you took discrete math in high school this class will be very easy. If you didn't it should still be pretty easy. It's graded on 3 exams, once a week quizzes and homework due twice a week when you meet with TA's. The HW usually doesn't take more than 15-25 minutes and the quizzes are easy if you attend the lectures. The exams can be hard because they cover a lot, but attending lectures and doing the homework will keep you from having to pull all nighters studying. 

I would highly recommend using to learn about the different professors here at campus. I used it for the spring semester and it was surprisingly very helpful. I hope you found this review to be helpful and good luck with picking your classes. Also, talk to your advisors. I hear they can be helpful, although I wouldn't know. I actually heard mine say to another professor  "I don't know why they assume that just because I am a professor I can help advise students. I have my own things to worry about." She then proceeded to talk down at me a during our meeting, if you can call it that. I really just followed her around the building while she did her own "things" without actually sitting down. Did I mention she was 10 minutes late? Total bitch. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Vote or Die

To all UNH students,
I know every single one of you reads this so I feel it is my responsibility to remind you all to vote for the student body elections. Polls are open today and tomorrow on blackboard, but go do it now so you don't forget. It is very easy and if it takes more then 2 minutes I don't know how you go into college. Or even finished middle school for that matter.
Simply go to Blackboard, click on the webcat student services tab, click the continue button to access webcat, click the student elections link and vote. I just casted my vote for the Chris McGown/Brendan Jones ticket. I made a difference and so can you! I can't wait to be roaming the streets after the votes are tallied exclaiming my excitement for our new student body president. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

April 20th

As I sat in my classes today I wondered why they seemed so empty. Then I remembered what the date was. Happy 4/20 everyone! But what does 420 really mean? Some people believe it was started because today was Hitler's birthday. But he was a total loser and therefore something this awesome can't possibly be associated with him. The most widely excepted reason, according to wikipedia, is that in 1971 students at San Rafael High School in California would meet at 4:20 (when afternoon detention was dismissed) at the school's Louis Pasteur statue to smoke some weed. The tradition caught on and eventually became a "holiday" for people across the country. Have a good day, make smart decisions and be thankful we're not at Liberty University.
Today's Youtube Pick: 

Stay classy, Not UMassy.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Liberty University: "Training Champions for Christ"

“It could be worse”

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that phrase, I would have enough money to afford my books for a whole year. Just recently, while discussing the conduct policy here at UNH, a friend of mine said this phrase. For the first time in my life I truly believe that things could be worse. He brought my attention to the conduct policy at Liberty University, a Baptist school in Lynchburg, Virginia.

The LU conduct policy, known as “The Liberty Way  revolves around “reprimands” with the idea being that if a student accumulates a certain amount they will be fined and eventually kicked out. Students can be fined, given community service and receive scholarship deductions for more “serious” offenses. To view the actual policy it requires a student ID on LU's website, but thanks to the world wide web I was able to locate it in its entirety here. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

The following results in 6 reprimands and a $35 fine:

  • Attending a dance
  • Gambling
  • Possession or use of tobacco (even for those over age 18)

 12 reprimands and a $70 fine:

 18 reprimands, $100 fine, 18 hours community service, 50% scholarship reduction:

  • Associating with those consuming alcohol
  • Visiting the bedroom of the opposite sex on or off campus

 30 Reprimands, $150 Fine, 30 hours Disciplinary Community Service, possible Administrative Withdrawal and/or possible 100% Scholarship Reduction:

  • Use/possession/distribution of illegal drugs (plus automatic 2 semester suspension)
  • Abortion
  • Involvement with witchcraft or other satanic or demonic activity
  • Possession or consumption of alcoholic beverages
  • Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
  • Two or more individuals of the opposite sex together in motel room

 NOTE: For each accumulation of six (6) or more reprimands after 30, an additional $150 fine will be assessed.

 If I attended Liberty University this would be my record for only the above infractions. It would take way too long to go through all of their conduct policy. (Note: I haven’t kept track of all of those things, so the figures below are rough estimates.)

I would have acquired:

  • 2,850 reprimands
  • $15,225 in fines (not including the $150 for every 6 reprimands over 30, that's too much math.) 
  • 2,040 hours of community service.

I have no idea how many fucking times I have used “profane language” so I didn’t count that one. I do however, watch an incredible amount of porn. Thankfully I do not attend that horrible place and I hope to never even have to step inside their premises.

Oh, by the way this isn’t a tiny school like you may think. Liberty University’s enrollment is 11,300;  about the same as UNH.

Stay classy, not UMassy… But don’t restrict yourself to “The Liberty Way.” 

p.s. The title of this post is LU's actual motto

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Weekend Update

Sorry that this post is coming so late. I slept in to approximately 12 today, only getting out of bed to watch the Celtics. Then I wasn't in the mood to post, not because they lost, but because I was still a bit hungover. Last night, I drank vodka in my room by myself... I mean... I went to that sick party those kids in my History class were talking about.

I regret to inform you that do to unseen circumstances I will not be able to post my research on UNH students until probably next weekend. I'm not quite finished and I want to it to be fully complete when I do publish it. 

Fuck yeah! Bruins just scored to go up 2-0!

Speaking of Boston sports, what's up with the Celtics losing today? Apart from Rajon Rondo I was very disappointed with their performance today. Come on guys, it's "We not me." I need to give props to Derrick Rose, he definitely didn't look like a rookie today. At least the Celts kept it close, unlike the Yankees who lost 22-4 to Cleveland today. 

Damn the Bruins are fucking dirty. Speaking of dirty, here is the song of the weekend. I need to give credit to the folks at RBM, they used this song a while back and it has quickly increased its play count on my itunes. It is an oldie by a band that, sadly, most of you probably haven't heard of. "Dirty Old Town" by the The Pogues.
Incase you haven't noticed I added a twitter application. If you're on twitter you should probably follow me. Also, I have gotten a few friend requests on facebook, but I know or at least hope, that there are more of you. By the way I didn't get stuck in Stoke like I thought I would. Due to the fact that there may be stalkers on here I'm only going to say that I'll be living in the Upper Quad next year. 

I'm pretty excited, the University of Nonsensical Happenings just recently recorded its 1,000th visitor. Let's make a deal. You all tell one friend about the site and as a reward I will start posting things that don't suck. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Talking Politics

I would like to take a moment to discuss the up coming student body election here at the University of Nonsensical Happenings. First of I all, I have never met any of the candidates running for President or Vice President. My opinions are solely based on the articles presented to us in the school paper. There are four different pairs of candidates running for the President and VP positions. Although I haven’t been able to make it to any of the debates, I have been keeping up with the election via the articles printed in TNH. After today’s issue of the paper I have decided whom I will be voting for on April 21 or 22 on Blackboard.

I declare that The New Hampshirite is officially backing the campaign of Chris McGown and Brendan Jones for student body President and Vice President. I really appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness presented by these two gentlemen. McGown and Jones aren’t afraid to hide the fact that neither of them have been a part of a student government before. In fact, only one of the eight candidates, Ryan Deziel, has attended a senate meeting this year.

Here are my other reasons for choosing to support the McGown/Jones ticket. Take a look at the front page of today’s TNH. Look at the hat that VP hopeful Sam Bennet is wearing. I’m sorry, but student body VP is a serious position and he looks more like he is out to get a laugh. Bennet is a member of Theatre Sports, and the last time I checked actors don’t make great politicians. I’m sorry for his Presidential running mate Jacquesline Walker, but you’re out. Next we have the Charlotte Noreng and Richard Peyser tandem. Look it how Mr. Peyser is dressed. He is clearly trying too hard, lay of the ties and suit coats buddy. Also Ms. Noreng is only a sophomore and I believe that the president should have more experience. Mr. Peyser has not only switched schools, but also his major several times. I want someone who can make a decision and stick with it in office, not a “flip-flop.” Ms. Noreng and Mr. Peyser, you're fuckin' out.  The final team is Ryan Deziel and Dustin Schoenbrun. Like Sam Bennet, Ryan Deziel is also a member of Theatre Sports; we need a leader, not a comedian. In the picture Mr. Deziel is wearing a sweater vest (skip to 2:20). He clearly can’t make good decisions.  Now take a look at Chris McGown and Brendan Jones. They aren't trying to impress you with fancy clothes or a huge fake-friendly smile. They just appear to be themselves, trying to make UNH a little less Nonsensical and a little more efficient. 

So those are my opinions on our up coming election. Think about your choices very carefully. I am not telling you who to vote for; I just wanted to let my opinion be heard. I mean I do write a blog. I apologize if I have offended any of the the candidates and I wish them all the best of luck. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


I have created a facebook account to help promote the site. When I add a new post I will update my status, which will hopefully make it easier for you. My account name is "New Hampshirite." I am listed in the Concord, NH network because I didn't want to release my UNH email in order to join the UNH network. Also feel free to email me at
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Thursday Thoughts

Happy thirsty Thursday my fellow Nonsensical Happenites. I want to start this post off by expressing my concern about something. What the fuck is wrong with kids who think its cool to pull the fire alarm at 4 fucking 30 in the morning? Are you still in high school you immature piece of shit? Over 400 people were forced into the freezing cold for about 20 minutes this morning because of your stupidity. Then we had to listen to a firefighter explain that it had to be a resident or a resident's guest because the doors are locked and you need a card to gain access to the building. Really dude? I never realized that only dorm residents can get in after 10pm. (That was called sarcasm.) Another thing that has pissed me off is the campus housing for next year. I was looking at the room checklist yesterday and I noticed that the Mills are completely filled and there are only like 12 rooms available in all the SERCS combined. Tonight SCOPE presents Guster, at 8pm at the Whittemore Center. I bought a ticket to the show because it was only 5 dollars but I'm probably not going to go because I can't pick my housing until 7:20. Look out Stoke, "Here I Come."
Fucking Jimmy Fallon. He ruined that song for me. Seriously the Roots are the only good thing about Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I know that he is trying but he just wasn't made for late night. It's not his fault, just whoever hired him should probably be lobotomized like John F. Kennedy's older sister. All-American family? Really? 
Well that is all I have for now. Be prepared for an interesting study/research post  about UNH students I will be "publishing" this weekend. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

UNH Mascots: Behind the Fur

The UNH Athletic Marketing Department is looking for some students to take over the duty of wearing the mascot uniforms for next year. Both Wild E. Cat and Gnarlz are in need of a new human to possess. However, be aware that if you are selected to be Gnarlz it is expected that you take steroids. The try-outs will be held 
Wednesday May 6th from 6pm- 8pm in room 330 at the MUB. The department is looking for students who are enthusiastic towards UNH athletics and are overall outgoing and friendly. Maybe you're going to be a senior and you want to add a little flair to your last year at UNH? Or maybe you're an incoming transfer student who already looks like a cat so you figure why not? Any student at UNH is encouraged to try-out. I would love to be the next Wild E or Gnarlz but I feel like it would be frowned upon if Gnarlz showed  up to hockey games smelling of vodka. 

Always remember:
Stay classy, not UMassy

PS: Yes, that video is from  UMass.

The United Football League

Many of you may be unaware of the greatness that you are all about to witness in October of this very year. The United Football League will be kicking off its inaugural season, which means there will finally be a professional football league. Americans have had to rely on watching the Canadian Football League since the collapse of the XFL in 2001.

Seriously what the fuck? Do the executives of the UFL really think they will make money competing with the NFL? Obviously not, because the leagues tagline is: “Where future stars come to play.” The goal of the UFL is to provide quality football for fan bases that do not have an NFL franchise. The problem I have with this is that in the first season only four teams will compete. The teams will play in New York, Orlando, Las Vegas and San Francisco. Hmm, that’s funny last time I checked New York had two NFL teams and San Francisco has the 49ers. Wait; are the 49ers still a pro team? In all fairness both New York teams actually play in New Jersey. The UFL New York team will play at the Mets Stadium, Citi Field, which is located in Queens.

The UFL also hopes to become a minor “developmental” league to the NFL. I really hope that the UFL doesn’t work because I think it will only hurt college football. Although, I do think that the UFL will fair better than the XFL because its rulebook mirrors that of the NFL except with smaller salary caps. Although there are only 4 teams scheduled to play in the first season, the league plans to expand the playing field in each of the first few seasons. The league has signed a deal with Versus to air games, which will be played on Thursday and Fridays. The UFL championship is scheduled to be played during Thanksgiving weekend.

When I first heard abut the league I had my doubts, but the more I read the more credit I gave to its planners. But once I checked out the UFL’s website I realized that there is a very slim chance for the league to survive long. On the home page I saw a tab that read “registration forms” so I clicked it. What I saw made me laugh very hard; it read “The UFL is currently soliciting information about players, coaches and agents that are interested in participating in our League. Please fill out the appropriate registration form and a representative from the UFL will contact you in the near future.”

The league is allowing people to fill out what are basically applications for players, agents and coaches. I decided to fill out a form as an experiment. On the player registration form it asked for my 40-yard dash time. I don’t know my 40 time I figured I would try another form. I am not a WSBE student so I figured the agent form was not for me. That left the coach registration forms for me to fill out. It was one page long. The first half asked for my personal info like my name, address, email ect. It then asked for “Pro Football Coaching Experience.” I have never coached football professionally so I left this field blank. Under the comments section is where I believe I made my best impression. This is what I wrote:

Although I have never coached, or played football, at any level my high school team won the state championship my senior year. I watched every game that year. I watch almost every Patriots game on TV and I really understand the game well. Despite my inexperience I am a master of EA Sports Madden Football. I hardly ever loose. In fact I went undefeated on the All-Pro level in back to back seasons with the Detroit Lions, even in a videogame that is impressive! I also won both of my Yahoo! fantasy football leagues last year. I also play the NCAA Football videogame a lot. I won two National Championships with Notre Dame. If you haven’t noticed, I like to take underachieving teams to the top. I truly believe that the UFL is missing something, and that something is me. I get very angry throw shit during games like Bobby Knight. This will only help with the league’s publicity. Some say I need anger management, I say I just need a football team to coach because videogames aren’t fucking realistic enough. Help me help you, by helping me. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Speaking of Dumb Cops...

20 bucks says that this is David's dad.

UNH Cops Part III: Return of the Douchebags

Last Friday I got out of class at 2pm, it was a beautiful day and I decided to spend my afternoon skateboarding around campus. I knew that people were still in classes so I decided to be courteous and I avoided skating around the academic buildings because I know skating can be quite noisy.  So I made my way over to the Whittemore Center to throw down some grinds on the benches out front on the concourse adjacent to the turf field. I was skating for a while and there was nobody around. I figured that most people were either in class or already left for Easter weekend. After about a half an hour a cop approached me, I didn’t see him coming until he was about 25 feet away.

“Excuse Me,” he shouted. I turned and realized that he was talking to me because there was literally no one else around. “There is no skateboarding allowed on university property,” he continued. I tried to remain polite because I knew his thick skull was probably full of endless stereotypes, and I was right. I replied back “why not?” He said “skateboards can be used to get from point A to point B, but no stunting is allowed.” I had to try so hard from laughing because I have never heard of skate tricks being referred to as “stunting.”

I was very confused because this past fall I was skateboarding in the same exact place and a motorcycle cop drove by, on the concourse, and gave me a friendly head nod. Obviously it didn’t bother him that I was “stunting” on university property.

Anyways, back to the king of the douches. The cop then looks at my backpack and says “Is that your bag, mind if I take a look in it?” Remember it is about 3 in the afternoon. I knew he had no right to but I just wanted to get this unlawful interrogation over as soon as possible so I gave him permission. As he reached for it he said “I noticed your eyes are a little red and puffy, you been smoking dope.” I almost fucking lost it. What is up with these UNH cops and saying, “dope?” And why the fuck do they always accuse me of smoking it? I had not been smoking at all, but I do have bad allergies and that is what I told him.

He looked through my bag, which contained the following:

  • 1 plastic box with skateboard tools.
  • 1 camera bag with a video camera and extra tapes
  • 1 water bottle (which he sniffed)
  • 1 bottle of eye drops

I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth: “So why do you have these eye drops.” I replied “they help with my allergies, my eyes become itchy and the drops help sooth them quickly.” He asked to see my ID and I pulled out my license, behind my license I noticed I had my health card. I showed him my health card too because on the back are some medications that I’m allergic to, so if there is an emergency the medics would know what not to give me. I said “I know these are just medications but this proves that I do have several allergies.” Then all of sudden I realized that there is a God because I sneezed about 4 or 5 times in a row.

 The cop told me not to skate the benches anymore and that I should carry more proof of my allergies because next time I may not be so lucky. Fuck you cop. I have no idea what he could have done because I had nothing illegal on me and I was blatantly sober. I don’t understand why “I may not be lucky” because he couldn’t arrest me even if I didn’t sneeze. He was just another prick of a cop trying to scare some skater. Hey cops, its a fucking Friday at UNH, don't you have anything better to do then to harass kids trying to get some fucking exercise. Actually don't do that either, we need to get UNH back in the top 10 in the nation for party schools. 

I highly recommend watching those two links, at least UNH Cops aren't as bad as Officer Riviera. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Who is Responsible?

On Friday April 10th, our school paper, The New Hampshire, gave this blog a “thumbs up” in the “Thumbs Up Thumbs Down” forum. Prior to that article the blog had 492 visits and 25 people had voted “yes” (meaning they attend UNH) in the pole. At the point the blog had been out for 11 days. As of the moment I am typing this the page hits have increased to 700. The page also gained an additional 20 “yes” votes. That is 208 visits in 3 days, or about 68 hits a day (increase of 23 hits/day). I actually have 1,692 page views. A view is counted every time someone opens the page; a visit is a series of page views by one person with no more than 30 minutes in between page views. According to I have averaged 187 hits per day with the average person visiting 3.7 times a day. The average reader spends just under 9 minutes per page view.  During this time I have also received a shout out on (click the picture to enter the site) and I created an entry on What does all of this mean? 

The  bump does exist, but I am afraid it is nowhere near that of Stephan Colbert, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart and the Mike Huckabee situation. It is known that Jon Stewart made Conan, Conan made Colbert and Colbert made Huckabee. Therefor Stewart made Huckabee, because without him there would be no Conan or Colbert. So who made me? Was it TNH, RBM or TCBN? I have a feeling not enough people care to make it an epic battle so I will award TNH with the bump because they found me. I have a connection to the people at RBM and I created the entry on TCBN, but TNH discovered me. Congratulations TNH, you are the champions, actually we are the champions...


Stay Classy, not UMassy.