Behind the Articles

Now that I have become a campus wide sensation I have been getting a numerous amount of questions like: “Are you single?” “Will you be my baby’s daddy?” “Will you marry me and make love to me every night?” and “How do you write your articles?” While only one of those questions is true, I have also been told that my blog is a visual form of ecstasy and it has been known to give readers, both male and female, exceptional orgasms. 

What can I say; I’m a magician with words. A really shitty magician who fucks up all his tricks. You ever hear the saying, “If you’re good at something, never do it from free.” I don’t get paid to write this blog. (Yes that was the second time I’ve quoted The Dark Knight, a film I thought was a very good superhero movie but still overrated. Honestly without Heath Ledger that movie would have been like every other batman movie. Entertaining but in reality it was no Shawshank or Godfather...)

 Anyways, back to the main point of this entry. How I write my articles…

Well every morning I wake up and I freak out about how I have no ideas and that it was a dumb thing to start because I am not a creative person. I go to my classes, maybe go skateboarding around campus or play some videogames and do any homework that I may need to do because I’ve procrastinated yet again. If nothing to that point of the day has entertained me enough to investigate or write about, then I start to get nervous. I realize that my readers are like fish in a bowl; they just wait around all day for me to feed them and then they gobble up everything right away. Every article I write is a painstaking process, as you can tell, there are never any grammar mistakes…

I put in blood, sweat and tears into every article (unlike another campus periodical, but that is for another entry in a few days… I’m looking at you The New Hampshire "News"paper. Watch out!)

During my brainstorming process I usually spend time pacing back and forth in my room, throwing magnetic darts at various metal objects around my room. I also fast while I’m writing and brainstorming because I know that it means that God will help me think of awesome things to say.  When I do think of an article idea I bust out my tape recorder, that’s right a tape recorder not one of those fancy digital things, and I yell into it all of my awesome ideas because I am awesome.

This is where the “sweat” comes from that “blood, sweat and tears” line I pulled on you earlier. I tend to get pretty angry when I record my articles, which causes my to swear and sweat profusely. Then I drink a lot of coffee. After that I listen to the recording. This is when I cry (tears) because I break down and realize my life is pointless and all of my articles suck. Then the caffeine from the coffee hits me and I become angry again, but this time I’m angry out of embarrassment of crying. So then I start to throw shit and punch things. This is where the blood comes from.  My knuckles bleed a lot because I can punch really hard.

Honestly, I really just make fun of things that piss me off: UNH Cops, SCOPE, and in a few days TNH. (Did anyone of catch how I wrote this entry in order to link those two videos to make a point about this blog? For the slower readers: Don't take anything you read on this completely serious. Except of course for the live mascot.)  If you haven’t caught on yet, I have managed to keep this blog going even though I ran out of ideas after day 2… because I only had two cop stories. I have some big things planned for the future so please keep coming back and spread the word. I really think that this may be something that many students would enjoy. 

Thanks and stay classy, not Umassy. Until next time.