Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Really, Douchebags?

For those of you who don't pay attention to things going on here at school (which I doubt is any of you since this is a UNH blog and you're reading it) but yesterdays issue of TNH received quite a bit of attention. Sadly it was not because of my awesome column.

Apparently several students had a few problems with one of the feature articles. These students disrespected the entire staff of TNH, including the editors, columnists, contributing writers, photographers all the down the line to the volunteers who distribute the paper around campus by throwing away stacks of issues simply because they did not agree with a specific article.


I am not going to lie, when I first started attending UNH, I did not think very much about TNH, but after attending just a few writers meetings I am willing to argue that the students who run TNH put more effort into every issue then most people do in their real jobs. I'm talking about full time students who spend all day and night Monday and Thursday in MUB 156 editing and laying out the paper. And by all day and night, I mean they are there until sometimes 5 or 6 am. They are providing a great service to us while we get to sleep or get drunk all night, completely oblivious to the world around us.

And I don't want to hear any shit about me only sticking up for them because they have printed a few of my columns. I am sticking up for them because they are good people who don't deserve what happened. And they can't get away with swearing and calling those douchebags, douchebags.

I wasn't planning on writing this post, but then I saw a few of these scattered around the MUB:

Do you see that you fucking scum? You try to ruin it for everyone but you still fail. Just like you probably are going to fail at life. I hope you're fucking satisfied.

Most of you probably will never realize how much time, talent, and effort goes into each article and issue. And all TNH gets in return is the fact that most students here read the paper and get something out of it. Just because you disagree will a column does not give you the right to get rid of all the issues you can. This is a fucking college, where students are all at least 18, that means that you're fucking adults, but what yesterday proved is that there are still dozens of immature pieces of shit who can't appreciate anything that they don't agree with. How the hell do these fucking people plan to live their life if they can't take some criticism. When you get a bad performance review at your first job are you just going to try and throw that away too? Give me a fucking break. Grow up and learn to cope with what other people have to say. Even if those other people aren't right, (I am not saying that this article was wrong) you still have to respect that fact that different people have different ideas. If you have a problem with something contact the person in charge, don't just bad mouth and trash them behind their backs. What did you think you would accomplish by throwing away all those issues?

Really, grow the fuck up.

Wow, I got really heated there... today's song of the day features the shredding ability of Eric Clapton. Enjoy:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tuesday's Guitarist

Ok, yesterday I said I would be including a video of my all-time favorite guitarists each day of the week. I was in a rush this morning when I added my post and I didn't have time to find a good youtube video. Before I start going old school on you tomorrow I give you Jack White. Awesome.

And who says the blues are dead?

I'll be going old school tomorrow, so if this interests any of you (which I kind of doubt) stayed tuned. I will have a regular post up as well so don't worry.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Fuckin' Pro: Self-Actualization

For the third Tuesday in a row, my column has landed on page 7 of TNH. Enjoy the linked up and unedited version here:

When I took Psych 401 my freshman year I learned to be myself, and to not let other people’s opinions have a major impact on me. It does not matter what other people think of you, as long as you know yourself. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs also struck home with me. One of the pieces of this theory is called “Self-Actualization” which means to have the ability to accept the facts of a giving situation. UNH needs to take this lesson to heart. Ever since The Princeton Review first labeled UNH as a party school, administrators have been overreacting and cracking down on many policies, primarily alcohol.

I believe that there is a fine line between protecting students and being out to get every underage student who sips on a beer on a Friday night. I feel as though this line has been crossed. Over the past few years the cops at UNH have become more and more of a problem for students who are looking to relax and have a good time. Now when a student gets caught drinking in their dorm he or she is more likely to be kicked out after one offense, rather than just receiving probation. The local police have also increased their presence on campus. Go sit in front of D-Hop on a Friday or Saturday night and count how many cops pass you, driving around campus, unnecessarily wasting gas, and taxpayer money.

When I first arrived at UNH, and saw people getting arrested, I figured that they were probably really drunk or acting inappropriately. But now that my experience at UNH has grown I have come to realize that the UNH Police are on huge fucking power trip. I guarantee that most of the names in the police log belong to good students who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Is that really fair to jeopardize a young adult’s career because of a drink? Personally, the recent increase of police resources on campus has had no affect on my drinking habits. I have only learned to become more aware of my surroundings.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that if someone is under 21, then they shouldn’t drink. I have one thing to say to you if your thinking that: This is college, and no matter what UNH’s policies are students are still going to drink, every week. I am not encouraging underage drinking and I am not saying that every college student drinks, but there is a large percentage of our student body that does.

Let us not forget that the National Drinking Age Act was not passed until 1984. Before this only 12 states had a drinking age of 21. All of the New England and Mid-Atlantic states, with the exception of Pennsylvania, had drinking ages below 21. For example New Hampshire and Massachusetts’s legal drinking age was 18 from 1973 to 1979, and 20 until 1985. What this means is that most people over the age of 48 who tell us that underage drinking is wrong, could drink when they were 18. I am not trying to start a debate over what the national drinking age should be I just wanted let the piece of information be known.

I am not saying that students should go out and get wasted every Friday and Saturday night, (Well in the newspaper I say that, but on here... why not...) but I honestly see nothing wrong with college students having a few (dozen) drinks on weekends. I believe that moderation is key, if you are able to handle and control yourself after a few drinks, all the power to you. I strongly believe that the social aspects and experiences of college are just as important, if not more, than that what students learn in the classroom.

UNH needs to accept the fact that it is a state university and it always will be. Not that there is anything wrong with that, infact the valedictorian from my high school came here. Many UNH alumni have gone on to do great things, and I am very proud to be a member of the student body here. Students come to UNH because they know they will receive an excellent education and also be able to experience a unique social culture. I guess the main point I am trying to make is that state schools are very respectable, but because of the size there will always be a large population of underage students who are going to drink. Until UNH realizes this I am afraid that the will be a continuous waste of money, time and effort being poured into a failing system.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

PS: Today's awesome guitarist will be up later in a small separate post.

Monday, September 28, 2009

UNH Campus Alert

Yesterday afternoon UNH issued a campus alert describing a sexual abuse claim from early Sunday morning. For those of you yet to see the email here is the body:
On Sunday morning September 27, 2009 between midnight and 1:00 am a female University of New Hampshire student reported being sexually assaulted in an unknown on-campus dormitory by an unknown male. The male is described as:

Between 18 and 20 years of age
Approximately 5'10
Approximately 160 lbs
Slim build
Clean shaven
Navy blue baseball cap
Short hair
Unknown color button down shirt
Blue jeans
Umm, honestly that describes me very accurately. A few of my friends even jokingly accused me. I almost always wear jeans and I have a blue UNH baseball hat. The only difference is that I don't really wear many collared or button down shirts, and I wasn't wearing one this weekend. And I had a bit of a scruff and dirty sanchez going. I was with a group of friends at that time, and we were at D-Hop so don't get any ideas.

I also realize that this description also includes about 80% of the male students on campus. 5'10 and 160 is a pretty average size for an 18-20 year. I don't understand how the name of the dorm is unknown. I feel like that would be a major piece of evidence. If the victim can't recall that, how do we know the rest of the information was accurate? Couldn't she at least describe her location?

I think this is a prime example as to why security cameras would come in handy around campus. I have to give credit to TNH for making that point clear after the stabbing that occurred at Yale. Let's face it, there are probably a handful cases like this every weekend, but most of them go unreported. The only way to limit them and find people would be to have cameras set up in various locations. If the police can get grants to hide in the woods all night, and make unlimited arrests, I don't see how cameras would be out of the question. This would make for a much safer campus and for once UNH and the local police could collaborate on something productive.

I have decided, just right now, that all this week I will be featuring my favorite guitarists of all time at the end of each post. I am a huge fan of music and I realize that at UNH a lot of people neglect the art of shredding a guitar. Each day I'll embed a song that features guitarists with different styles, techniques and from different genres and decades. I figured the best way to start of the week would be with a little informative session with probably the most innovative guitarist of the last 15 years. Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave doing what he does:

I recommend watching parts 2 and 3 if this interested you.

Stay classy, not UMassy

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The UNH-UMaine Decathlon

Two schools. Ten events and categories. One epic night. One winner.

Friday at noon my friend (aka my driver) and I left for the 3 and 1/2 hour drive to Orono, Maine to visit some friends at UMaine. My friend has an apartment about 15 minutes off campus in Old Town. I would say it is like the equivalent of living in Newmarket or Dover. We arrived at his apartment around four and he gave us a tour around campus. To make this story easy, my Maine friend will be known as Maine Guy. Maine Guy is a big fan of the blog and he knew ahead of time that I would be critiquing UMO all day and night so he came out swinging by showing of their recreational center. It was very nice. We went to a dining hall, which I would compare to our Union Court in the MUB, which is weird because it was also called Union something. Good food, but pricy. It wasn't all you can eat like our cafes and I paid $8.50 for a small pizza, breadsticks and a drink. Anyways, we picked up another friend and returned to the house to find a lot of alcohol waiting for us.

The rest of the night consisted in drinking, playing wii, drinking while playing wii, beirut, dringa, smoking, and drinking. We also had a discussion, really just me and Maine Guy's roommate about facebook. He wasn't sure if he could call this girl because they weren't friends on facebook, so he wasn't sure if they were really friends at all. It night also involved one person (the Maine Guy) puking at least 8 times. I have no idea how no one else did. He also asked me for "warm ice cubes." I didn't know what to do. I think we all passed out around 3am, not bad considering we started around 7:00. That's a solid 8 hours. Any ways, here is what you are all waiting for.

The First Annual New Hampshirite and Maine Guy UNH-UMO decathlon.

1) Location: This one hands down goes to UNH. UNH has great access to the ocean, mountains and Boston. UMaine is in bumfuck nowhere. Surrounding towns also factors into this and I would take the combo of Portsmouth, Newington, Dover and Newmarket over Bangor any day of the week.

UNH 1-0.

2) Rec Center: Sadly I have decided to give this one to UMaine. Although we have 5 indoor basketball courts to UMO's four, they have two separate gym rooms. One with weights and the other is all aerobic type bikes and machines. Combined they are much bigger than our weight room. They also have an indoor pool with a huge jacuzzi and whirlpool in the same building as the student gym.


3) Campus Layout: This category also goes to UMO. The entire campus is very compact, like a high school. They also have this really cool quad thing they call the mall which is this huge grass field between their library and their Union Center right in the middle of campus. UNH is very spread out, which can be a pain.

UMO 2-1.

4) Downtown: This goes to UNH, basically because UMO doesn't have one. Since their campus is so compound like, you can't walk to a downtown. Also D-Hop blows "O-Hop" out of the water.

Tied 2-2.

5) Athletics. UNH. Yes, their hockey team has won two national titles, but they haven't done shit since Mrs. Kayria experienced menopause. We currently are more dominate in football, hockey, and basketball. They don't have men's soccer any more, which kind of makes up for us not having a baseball team.

UNH 3-2

6) Playing Fields. UMaine. Although the Whit blows Alfond out of the water in aesthetic values, Alfond has character... and a replay scoreboard. I really gave this to UMO because Cowell Stadium (our football field) is a piece of crap. The stadium looks like it might collapse and ESPN once refused to cover a playoff game here because of the condition of the press box.

Tied 3-3.

7) Wildlife: I saw a bald eagle and a bunch of deer at UMaine. That's pretty cool.

UMO 4-3.

8) Education. UNH. "If you can't get into college 'cause you lack the basic knowledge, go to Maine." (and see picture #3 below.)

Tied 4-4.

9) Vibe: UNH. Maine felt like a ghost town while I was on campus. There was nothing really going on. Especially for a Friday afternoon. I will admit most of the kids I met were really chill, the actual campus just felt really bland.

UNH 5-4.

10) Parties: UNH. We're taking back the Princeton Review one weekend at a time. The cops and UNH administration can fuck themselves.

UNH 6-4.

I fucked this up last night (I was writing drunk on a notecard) and thought it was 5-5 so we played a game of beirut for the "tie breaker" and UNH won again...
The game is 2 on 2 beirut. Me and my driver were reppin' UNH vs Maine Guy and one of his roommates. It was a back and forth battle, but when the dust settled UNH had sank all their cups and UMaine had 3 left.

So technically UNH won 7-4.

The New Hampshirite claiming victory for UNH in front of the UMO Black Bear.

This was in a UMO Dorm. Not sure what it means...

Grey Goose and Captain Morgan's... The Maine Guy... need I say more?

Stay classy, not UMassy. (Or UMainy for that matter.)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thirsty Thursday

I got to be quick because I'm heading home for the night before making the trek up to Orono tomorrow to fuck shit up at UMaine. I got to show 'em what we do. I expect to get extremely drunk Friday night, but I'll be keeping a notecard in my pocket to document, as best I can, the night's activities. I expect to have a post detailing it all up by Monday. I hope you are pumped up for this weekend, even if it is parent's weekend. I'm sure that you will all find something to do, don't let the man put you down. And by man I mean those fucking cops and UNH administrators. Keep an eye out for a future column on that topic.

If you aren't pumped up by now watch this video of Rage Against the Machine. If this video doesn't make you want to fuck shit up, I don't know what will. Their stage presence is amazing.

Have an awesome weekend and stay safe, stay smart, stay drunk and most of all:

Stay classy not UMassy.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mid Week Update

It's Wednesday evening already, which means that tomorrow is thirsty Thursday all you future alcoholics. Just kidding, you already are! But in all seriousness, I came across these stats yesterday and I would like to share them with you:

Deaths/year by tobacco: 440,000 (Center for Disease control)

Deaths/year by poor dieting & inactivity: 400,000 (US Dept of Health and Human Services)

Deaths/year by alcohol: 85,000 (Journal of the American Medical Association)

Deaths/year by marijuana: 0 (US Drug Abuse Warning Network)

I think you are all smart enough here to make some connections so that is all I have to say on that topic.

Hey, how about that power outage today? I still had to sit in class for an hour and a half in the dark. You have no idea how hard it was to not fall asleep. School has been happening now for 3 1/2 weeks I have officially fallen into "drone mode." Drone mode is when you wake up and the next thing you know you're in the middle of a huge lecture and you have no recollection of walking to the building or anything the professor has said. It's like in driver's ED when they talk about "high way hypnosis." Drone mode is aided by drinking coffee all day and then half a bottle of Nyquil before you go to bed. I have a feeling alcohol doesn't help either. For example this morning I woke up, took a shower, ate at HOCO and then read at the library for two hours. When I got back to my dorm I didn't remember leaving the library or walking back at all. Luckily I did remember most of what I read.

So, this weekend I'll be heading north to Orono, Maine to visit a friend from high school. I plan on terrorizing the UMaine campus and then writing about it on the blog next week. Because of my departure I may not have a blog post on Thursday or Friday so I apologize in advance. Also, for those of you who read my Tuesday columns in TNH, I have already started my next piece. it will be my first one to be highly opinionated and bias like my blog so I am very excited to see how that goes. Keep an eye out for next Tuesday's issue.

Bigs news for the blog, yesterday's post is up to number 3 on The College Blog Network blog-wire hotlist. The University of Nonsensical Happenings is also ranked as the number 1 comedy blog ...cough*with 3 thumbs up*cough... The site is basically a directorial for college blogs across the country, so I'm pretty pumped about that. If any of you are new readers, I hope I gained some because yesterday was my highest page hit view counter of the semester, I have a facebook account for the blog. Feel free to friend request the New Hampshirite if you wish to stalk me even more.

Stay classy not UMassy.

PS: Happy Birthday to the boss!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Like a Pro: These Classes Are Real

This is my second piece to be published by TNH and it can be found in today's paper. I am already outlining my piece for next week. It will be more like one of my blog posts, highly opinionated, about UNH and possible controversial. Shots will be taken. (Both alcohol and the finger pointing kind.)
Last week, while I was demolishing my roommate in the video game NHL ‘09, he happened to mention the class at UNH known as “Coolest Game? Hockey and History.” He must have felt the need to distract me of my verbal abuse directed at his inability to press buttons. That night I grabbed my UNH course catalog to see what other amusing courses our university has to offer.

The best one I found was a 400-level Social Work class called “You’ve Got Your Troubles, I’ve Got Mine.” I think they could simplify the title to something like “The Hills.” With the help of Google, I decided to do some research to find the weirdest college courses from around the country.

I present to you the New Hampshirite’s top 10 strangest college courses in America:
10) Tie: “The Science of Superheroes” from the University of California at Irvine and “The Science of Harry Potter” from Frostburg University. The reason I decided to combine these two courses is that they are both physics classes that examine similar topics such as the physics of human flight and magic. I have one question, who wins in a fight, Harry Potter or Superman?
9) “The Art of Walking” from Center College located in Danville, Kentucky. This class is about how walking has become a lost mode of transportation in a world full of cars and other means of transportation. This class would have ranked higher, but it is only offered to students who stay over winter break.
8) Tie: “How Does the Song Go? The Grateful Dead as a Window into American Culture” straight from our friends at UMass and “Red Sox Nation: Baseball and American Culture” from Bates College in Maine. I grouped these two classes together because they both use awesome things, The Red Sox and The Grateful Dead, to examine American culture in ways only thought before by hippies and Bostonians. If only these courses could be combined and taught by Dennis Eckersley, or even better former Red Sox pitcher and hippie Bill “The Spaceman” Lee.
7) “Cyberfeminism” from Colgate University in New York. This class discuses feminism and how it has related to the emergence of new technologies over the past 25 years. If I understand that correctly, I guess it means that women gaining the right to vote correlates with Steve Jobs attempting to take over the world.
6) “Mail-Order Brides: Understanding the Philippines in Southeast Asian Context” from Johns Hopkins University in Maryland. As we all know, the only way to understand Philippine culture is to study mail-order brides.
5) “The Strategy of Star Craft” from University of California at Berkeley. This class is designed around the strategy of the video game Star Craft and how it relates to actual warfare strategies. I feel as though Call of Duty may have been more appropriate.
4) “Learning from YouTube,” from Pitzer College in California, is designed to allow students to learn what society is reflecting in YouTube and the media’s role in society. I think I get it: Charlie the Unicorn represents President Obama, and Candy Mountain is health care.
3) “Maple Syrup” from Alfred College in New York. In this class you learn everything about maple syrup, including how to make it. I feel like this is something you can learn in five minutes on Wikipedia. (Also Youtube.)
2) “Sex, Rugs, Salt & Coal” from Cornell University in New York. According to Cornell’s website this class is said to approach and answer questions such as: Is prostitution really “the oldest profession?” Why are “oriental” rugs collector’s items? How did we come to keep saltshakers on our dinner tables? When did coal start replacing wood as a fuel source? I have a simpler, and cheaper way to answer these questions: Google.
1) “Zombies in Popular Media” from Columbia College in Chicago. This course explores the history, significance, and representation of the zombie as a figure in horror and fantasy texts. Unless “Dawn of the Dead” comes true, I do not understand how this can relate to any type of real issue.
I know most of these classes are taken just to fill up a schedule, but imagine the following situation:
“Dude, I can’t go to that party tonight. I have so much homework. I got to watch five YouTube videos, read three zombie comic books, beat level three of Star Craft, listen to the Grateful Dead for an hour, and watch the Sox game.”
Okay, that sounded a lot like my Saturday night.
I feel as though if I took any of these classes my parents would start up the old “we’re not paying for your college education so you can learn about zombies” speech. I hate that one.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The More You Know

Watch the following video before you read this blog post:

The reason I wanted you to watch that video is so you understand how to read the following "The more you knows" I wrote. I recommend reading these in the tone from the video to get the most out if it. Quick note: TMYN is originally from NBC in which Tom Brokaw read off different PSA's and has since been copied by The Conan O'Brien show, Family Guy and The Office as well as several other shows.

UNH: The More You Know

Did you know that you can chew Morning Glory seeds to get highs very similar to LSD? It actually became so popular for teenagers that flower shops began to ID people to make sure they were 18 to purchase the seeds. It can be make you puke because of the chemicals on the seeds so make sure you wash them thoroughly before chewing.

Fact: UNH is one of only nine land, sea and space grant institutions in the nation. Myth: UNH has always been known as the "Wildcats." Fact: UNH's original nickname was the "Bulls."

Did you know (and you better because I wrote about this before) that you can put marijuana in peanut butter crackers and microwave it to get similar highs to eating brownies. (See my firecracker if you missed it.)

Fact: Maine sucks. UMass blows. But both those links are cool.

Did you know that Durham Market Place (the dump) requires two ID's when purchasing alcohol? So those of you with fake ID's stay away. Try Campco or a gas station off campus. The best is to make friends with someone 21+.

Fact: Every year SCOPE claims to get the biggest show ever, but then they disappoint. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't talk it up so much. I understand that a lot of people like Akon, but the way they bragged the week before announcing the show you would have thought they got fucking Jay-Z or the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Did you know that you can crush up vicodin and smoke it in a bowl?

If you get in a fight with someone bigger than you, use a baseball bat.

Fact: Keystone Light is the beverage of champions.

If you are picking classes at the end of the semester, it is okay to work around your drinking schedule. Make priorities ahead of time, if you don't want Friday classes stick to that plan. I don't have Friday classes or a class before 11 all week. It can be done.

Fact: UNH hockey coach Dick Umile is overpaid. Yes, that North Dakota game last year was fucking nuts, but he doesn't deserve the money he makes without ever brining a championship to Durham. I want fucking results!

Myth: UNH stands for University of No Holidays. (we get a few)
Myth: UNH stands for University of No Hardware. ('85 women's lax)
Myth: UNH stands for University of New Hampshire. (see next one)

Fact: UNH stands for University of Nonsensical Happenings. I run this shit!

The guys at UNH-Hi-Lites are back again. I must thank them for the two shout outs they gave me, and congratulate them for their shout out in TNH last week. I recommend reading their blog, as long you still read mine. Also, I submitted another column to TNH, hopefully it will be in Tuesday's paper.

Fact: People continuously find this blog by searching for "UNH porn."

Fact: This is the greatest song about the greatest song in the world:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Friday, September 18, 2009

It's Only Friday

Just as a reminder we still have a full weekend ahead of us. This has been a pretty crazy week for me. From getting my first TNH column published, to reading hundreds of pages and throwing together an essay last minute to tests and most importantly getting shit faced. This is a note I found in my desk, I wrote it to myself late Wednesday night, or maybe early Thursday morning after my first attempt at a "Thirsty Wednesday."

If you can't read it, it says "my roommate put scrambled eggs in his pocket- philly late night mofo's thirsty weds! mofo's get drunck!

Yes, I realize that I spelt drunk wrong.

I feel as though I should offer an explanation, but the more I think about it I think it is pretty self explanatory. The fact that I spelled drunk wrong is the kicker. That was probably the most fun I've ever had on a Wednesday night and all's I needed was a 4 liter jug of Carlo Rossi Sangria.

I must admit, my Thursday night was even better. Like I've said before I only live about a half hour off campus and when one of my commuter friends informed me his house would be empty for the night we decided to have an old fashion middle school sleepover. So we took two of my friends back to the my small farm town and got drunk (and other things too.) We called up another friend from home, who we hadn't seen in a while and threw down the only way we ever knew how before college. It was a blast, and it was a night that involved looking at my buddy's guns, ping pong, and eating corn straight out of the can... and almost involved eating doggie ice cream.

I wasn't lying about the gun thing.

I awoke this morning to my friends dog sniffing my face and scared the shit out of me. It took me a while to realize that I was back in my hometown. It was a great night, with great people in a great town. It really took me back and I was very happy to see some old friends for a change. One more thing, don't play with guns. We made sure that they were unloaded and everything. We're not that stupid. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Quotable Quotes

This morning, not only did I wake up a bit hungover, but also in a very good mood. Usually those two things are the opposite. I was happy because I thought that today would be the first day of the rest of my life. I decided wanted to make a difference with my life, to live for a purpose. I thought of the song "Renegades" covered by Rage Against the Machine. There is a line those goes as follows:

"We're the renegades, we're the people,
with our own philosophies,
we change the course of history,
everyday people like you and me"

This really made me think of how you don't have to be in power, or an important person, to make a difference in the world. Then I realized that there are some many different people already trying to make a difference, so how could I make my voice heard? Then I thought of the movie "Waking Life" and the part were the professor says:

"It might be true that there are six billion people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless -what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, to other people, and it sets an example."

I started to think that I should try do make a difference with my life. For a better future of not only America, but the world. It's like that old Native American proverb that says:

"We do not inherit the land, we borrow it from our children."

And I thought, that just maybe I could do something to help out with the climate problems. But I'm not a scientist and I do know anything about climate change that could help us. Then I thought of the song"Ultimate" by Gogol Bordello that goes like this:

"There were never any good old days,
they are today, they are tomorrow
it is a stupid thing we say,
cursing tomorrow with sorrow."

And I thought to myself, Fuck it. It's Thirsty Thursday at UNH and I'm going to get drunk tonight. It is not the time or place to think back on the past or to worry about the future. It is the time to have fun and enjoy yourselves. Go get drunk tonight, and if not tonight, then this weekend. Put your worries behind you and just let go. So that being said, let Gogol Bordello take you into the weekend. Party!

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A Lyrical Analysis

In his "breakout" song, Rapper Asher Roth explains how and why he loves college. This lead me to one question. According to the lyrics of "I Love College," would Asher Roth love UNH? Let me start off by saying that I think this song can be very annoying and I don't really like it, but I always get it stuck in my head and "catchiness" is a big part of what makes a song good. I have decided that the best way to go about answering this question would be to select his main arguments in his song and justify them according to life here at UNH.

"That party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it,
I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked"

People at UNH are smart enough to not video tape most parties. They know that the video would probably end up on facebook or youtube, which has previously lead to fraternities and sororities getting busted. Also, we don't need evidence to prove we had a good time. Also, no one likes people who are full of themselves and brag. (Unless of course they write a kick-ass blog.)

"Drink my beer and smoke my weed but my good friends is all I need"

Very few people here at UNH allow others to drink their beer and to smoke their weed. And if they do they expect to be fully refunded with either straight cash, a 30, or some stanky bud. But Mr. Roth also says "good friends is all I need" and UNH is full of good people.

"Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again"

Personally, when I pass out at three AM, I'm not waking up until closer to noon. However, getting some food at the Bagelry is the best hangover cure ever. Who wouldn't love that?

"I wanna go to college for the rest of my life
Sip Banker's Club and drink Miller Light."

These lines contain both pro's and con's for Asher Roth and my quest to discover if he would in fact, love UNH. First, a lot of kids spend more than 4 years here, and if they don't they usually get an apartment in Dover, Newmarket or Portsmouth so they can remain with a young party type crowd. So I would say: "rest of my life" No, but an extended couple of years, most likely. I'm not too sure about the "Miller Light" reference. Personally, Miller Light is one of my favorite beers for its price (nothing beats Sam Adams, but thats for the summer when I have more money from working.) However at school, I, like most people enjoy the extreme cheapness of Keystone Light.

"On Thirsty Thursday and Tuesday Night Ice
And I can get pizza a dollar a slice."

Thirsty Thursdays are a must at UNH, one of the best nights of the week, especially if you have no Friday classes. In that case, like me, you may dabble in Thirsty Wednesdays. It doesn't have the same ring to it, but you will find that you can get equally drunk any night of the week if you wish. The "pizza a dollar a slice" line hurts real bad. I grew up about a half-hour away from campus and every year my dad and I would come up to see a couple of hockey games. Before every game we would get a slice or two from D-Hop. This was a much simpler time, and I remember a huge sign in the store that read "One Dollar Slices After 11pm." I remember my older brothers who worked at D-Hop telling me how after the games there would be a line of drunks kids around the corner and down the street waiting to get their hands on some greasy pizza. I aspired to be one of those drunk kids. Oh, how the times are a changing! Even our beloved pizza shop has seen the effects of the economy, because (I think) just the year before I enrolled here D-Hop bumped up their price to $1.50. That is a 50% increase! Fucking ridiculous. I'm not going to lie, I would probably save close to $30 a year if D-Hop kept the dollar a slice deal. I would definitely love college more if I could get pizza a dollar a slice.

"So fill up my cup, let's get fucked up
I'm next on the table, who want what?
I am champion at beer pong
Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon

I have no problem with the first two lines of this stanza. We all love to get fucked up and play some games but.... Quick Rant: BEER PONG is a game played with an actual ping-pong paddle on an actual ping-pong table. Each player has a cup of beer on their corner and with every point a player allows they must take a drink. If the ball lands in your cup you must finish it and pour a new one. This game is played in the movie "Beerfest." BEIRUT is a game played on any table with cups lined up like bowling pings in which a player shoots a ping-pong ball into. This is obviously what Roth is referring to, but he makes the common mistake of calling it beer pong. However, beirut is a favorite game here at UNH (and any college for that matter) so he would definitely love UNH for that. I do have to question his choice of NBA players to name though, AI is a much better slasher than shooter and Olajuwon was an older big man. They are both far past their prime. I would have used the following: "Roger Mason , Ray Allen" (pronoucing Allen, Al - on.)

"Time isn't wasted when you're getting wasted."

This should probably be UNH's motto (If it wasn't written by Roth.) Like I've said before we're working on that party school ranking.

"...And I love drinking, ay!
I love women, ay..."

Yeah, so do we.

"And don't have sex if she's too gone"

.... unless you're in Zeta...

"When it comes to condoms put two on"

Didn't he take Sex-Ed in high school? Two condoms creates friction and could cause them to break. Bad idea.

"Even if we did get a little bit too drunk"

At UNH, "too drunk" doesn't exist.

"You're all invited. Bring your friends."

Sorry, but that doesn't happen here. You're lucky if you can get in.

"Do I really have to graduate?"


"Or can I just stay here for the rest of my life?"

Yes, just last weekend I met a kid who claimed to have graduated 4 years ago "from the school, but not from the parties or the girls." He seemed like a creeper.

So, after examining all of the evidence put forth by Asher Roth in his song I have decided that he would, in fact, love UNH. Sure, you can make strong arguments either way, but the fact of the matter is that UNH is awesome, apart from the cops it has chill people and parties and that is most important. Sure, some parties can be be a bitch to get into, especially for underclassmen but coming to UNH has definitely been the best decision of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously. I tried to provide evidence for both sides to avoid being bias. I am NOT a fan of Asher Roth, and I also think that UNH is awesome and it would be every hard not to love when you step back and look at the big picture.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

PS: Asher Roth would definitely hate UMass.