Like a Pro: Goodbye... for now

Please note this is only my last TNH newspaper column of the year. The blog will continue on through finals (although posts may slow down) and into the summer. Last summer I only posted about 4 or 5 times, but I am hoping to try and post once a week or every other week this summer. But it depends on what is really happening.

Seeing as this is my last column of the school year, it would be fitting for you to listen to Green Day’s “Good Riddance” on repeat as you read. Why? Because cheesy is awesome, just ask Kurt.

I know a lot of you are probably on edge about what my plans are for the future. I have heard the rumors about me leaving school to turn professional and I would like to address those rumors now. It was not an easy decision and I took the weekend to talk with my family, friends and advisors. I have decided that it would be best for me to turn down Barstool’s contract offer to go “pro” meaning that I will return to UNH next fall. I really feel that finishing my education needs to be my top priority. This decision is final.

I have already started brainstorming new ideas and directions to go in. When I started, I can honestly say that I had no idea where this column would take me, and as it turned out I ended up having a post on Barstool Sports make fun of me. In all honesty, I actually had a feeling that column would find its way to Barstool. That was probably the proudest moment of my life. Through this column I have made many friends, and apparently many enemies. I enraged the director of UNH Dining, was reported to UNH’s Office of Conduct and Mediation, infuriated RAs, and hurt little El Pres’ feelings. Despite that, this really has been the best year of my life.

It wouldn’t be right for me to continue without thanking those who helped me get to this position. Towards the end of last summer and into the beginning of the school year then TNH editors Cameron Kittle and Keeley Smith convinced me to give the newspaper a shot, and for that I am forever thankful to them. Another thanks goes to the current executive editor Thomas Gounley – and his staff – for not firing me the second he took over. 
Coming up on the blog there will be an award “ceremony” to look back on some of the most nonsensical happenings of the year, but I would like to use the remainder of this post to highlight of few things.

My favorite “overheard” of the year took place a few weeks ago at DHOP. It was probably around one in the morning and I’m sitting at a table with a few buddies. From across the dining area I hear a girl say quite loudly to her male friend, “Please, just sit on my face.” Short, simple and to the point. Classic. I really wish I could have heard more of the conversation, because I feel as though I do not have enough information to fully understand the context of that quote.

The next category is the best “text from last night” message received. Choosing the best newspaper-appropriate text was very hard. For one reason or another, I always get the most hilarious drunk texts. I think that “I’m on LSD my phone is sinking,” which was sent via my roommate following the MGMT concert tops the list. It may have made me laugh harder than anything I’ve read all year.

My best “Hangover” moment took place back in February when I awoke with my pants inside out, my dorm room full of balloons and my roommate’s couch upside-down. No, there wasn’t a tiger or a baby, and sadly I never found $80,000, but it was fun trying to recall what happened.

Students, mostly freshmen, often debate which fraternity throws the best parties. It is not really a necessary debate because they are all pretty much the same. I am not real big on the frat party scene, but I will say that the best frat party I attended this year was at Pike.

This has been a great year, and I’d like to say thank you to all my loyal readers. I know there are few students who actually read this on purpose and that is awesome. I can really say that I am happy that I have two more years at UNH because these last two have been really special, and I am terrified of trying to find a job with a history degree and a writing minor. Well UNH, I guess this is where I leave you for now. To those graduating, congratulations and good luck out there. To those returning, have a great summer break and I look forward to another great year with you. To incoming freshman, when I applied to UNH I never imagined I would have a column in the school paper. Welcome and don’t be afraid to try something new, because at UNH new opportunities will arise. 



Stay classy not Umassy.

Help Us Help You

Now that classes have started up and Durham is busy once more the blog's page hits are increasing after a slow break. I would like to touch on a few things to save people from having to read back through every post. (Although you should because they really are life changing.) The biggest news is that we have added a new writer known as "Rusty." He won't be writing everyday like me, more just when he has a specific topic of interest. Think of him as a permanent guest writer. Speaking of guest writers, I am also hoping for a few guest submissions. (I have already received some interest so don't be shy.) Guest writers wouldn't get their own ID, but anyone can email posts to the blog (unhblog@yahoo.com)  and I would post them and credit the author however they would like. I was also hoping to add another ID'd contributer. So email me if your interested and include what you would like to write about, how often etc... If your not sure, try submitting a couple guest posts to see what you think. I think this would be a great way to expand the blog and add a little variety. If you're interested there is more info and some guest ideas in this older post.

As you may have noticed there wasn't a newspaper today, the first issue will be Friday. "Like a Pro" will make it's spring semester debut next Tuesday, so stay tuned. Wednesdays on the blog will now feature a "drink of the week" post, we have already featured two and tomorrow will be the third. I have a few in store, but if you have any favorite drinks let us know. Some of the drinks will be common UNH favorites and others will be more rare for the college scene. If you can't tell I am trying to make the blog more reader interactive and appealing so let us know if you have any suggestions.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Fuckin' Pro: A Guide to UNH Hockey Fandom

The lights go low as two spotlights begin to circle the Whittemore Center Arena. The roar of the crowd, thunder sticks and cowbells makes it nearly impossible to hear “O Fortuna” blaring out of the arena’s speakers. The crowd is on their feet and the intensity begins to grow as the song progresses. As the orchestral song finishes, it blends into “Two Step” by the Dave Mathews Band and at the climax the UNH hockey team takes the ice to a defining roar of the crowd.

UNH hockey season has arrived.

Fans got a taste of the team this past weekend after the exhibition game versus Acadia, but as awesome as that game was it simply does not compare to the regular season. It is that time of the year again for UNH hockey fans to head over to the Whittemore Center for some good old-fashioned, and semi-clean, cheering.

For those of you who are freshmen, UNH hockey is a way of life. All students are expected to stand up the entire game and participate in every chant. If that is not your style then do not bother getting a ticket because there are plenty of students who bleed blue. If you do not leave the game with a sore throat, then you did not do your job as a student fan.

This will be the 10th year I will be attending UNH hockey games. (*A couple of my friends and I are actually in that video at the 1:25 mark, but due to the poor quality my face can't be seen!) When I was younger, I could not wait for the day when I could be a member of the student section. That way I could get away with shouting semi-inappropriate things at the top of my voice. I remember the first game I ever attended, future Hobey-Baker-award-winner Jason Krog scored two goals in a 9-4 win over Providence College. That was the same year UNH made it to the national championship game, something I have since tried to erase from my memory (UNH lost to Maine 3-2 in overtime). Even though it has been 10 years since that 1999 season and I was only nine years old, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I guess that is my version of Billy Buckner and his infamous error that cost the Red Sox the 1986 World Series.

But it is not the time to live in the past, for another season is upon us. Even though the Wildcats return a lot of talent and have a terrific freshmen class, they were unranked in the preseason polls.

The offseason is a very quiet time for a UNH hockey fan like myself. I spend most of my time thinking up new chants and trying to find the best players of Hockey East on Facebook. That way I can make embarrassingly personal signs about opposing players. I also don’t speak for two days prior to every home game. Then, about an hour before the puck drops I do vocal exercises. This way I can clearly be heard when I inform an opposing player who commits a penalty that it is time for them to sit down.

At the game on Saturday night I realized that not every student fan in attendance knows as much about hockey as I do, so I would like to explain a few things. The term “offsides” is not a penalty. It means that an attacking player is in the offensive zone (past the blue line) before the puck crosses the line. It results in a face-off outside the zone. It is perfectly legal to check another player, even if an injury ensues, although there are specific ways to make a clean hit. The penalty boxes are located on the side next to UNH’s bench, not the booths behind the nets. A goal is worth one point no matter how far away it is scored from. There is not an actual body of water below the ice surface; therefore a player cannot fall through the ice.

We are UNH, and this year is another great opportunity for the ‘Cats to claim the elusive National Championship. That being said, the UNH student section has to be loud to make it difficult for opposing teams. We want other players to tremble when they step on the ice. The Whittemore Center is one of the few Olympic sized rinks in the country. Factor that in with the high ceilings of the building, and it can be difficult for fans to make it personal with opposing players. I want you to be loud, but also remember that when you are in the student section you are representing the University of New Hampshire. So, I ask you now to do your best, scream as loud as you can and make other teams fear the Whitt!

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Fuckin' Pro: Self-Actualization

For the third Tuesday in a row, my column has landed on page 7 of TNH. Enjoy the linked up and unedited version here:

When I took Psych 401 my freshman year I learned to be myself, and to not let other people’s opinions have a major impact on me. It does not matter what other people think of you, as long as you know yourself. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs also struck home with me. One of the pieces of this theory is called “Self-Actualization” which means to have the ability to accept the facts of a giving situation. UNH needs to take this lesson to heart. Ever since The Princeton Review first labeled UNH as a party school, administrators have been overreacting and cracking down on many policies, primarily alcohol.

I believe that there is a fine line between protecting students and being out to get every underage student who sips on a beer on a Friday night. I feel as though this line has been crossed. Over the past few years the cops at UNH have become more and more of a problem for students who are looking to relax and have a good time. Now when a student gets caught drinking in their dorm he or she is more likely to be kicked out after one offense, rather than just receiving probation. The local police have also increased their presence on campus. Go sit in front of D-Hop on a Friday or Saturday night and count how many cops pass you, driving around campus, unnecessarily wasting gas, and taxpayer money.

When I first arrived at UNH, and saw people getting arrested, I figured that they were probably really drunk or acting inappropriately. But now that my experience at UNH has grown I have come to realize that the UNH Police are on huge fucking power trip. I guarantee that most of the names in the police log belong to good students who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Is that really fair to jeopardize a young adult’s career because of a drink? Personally, the recent increase of police resources on campus has had no affect on my drinking habits. I have only learned to become more aware of my surroundings.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that if someone is under 21, then they shouldn’t drink. I have one thing to say to you if your thinking that: This is college, and no matter what UNH’s policies are students are still going to drink, every week. I am not encouraging underage drinking and I am not saying that every college student drinks, but there is a large percentage of our student body that does.

Let us not forget that the National Drinking Age Act was not passed until 1984. Before this only 12 states had a drinking age of 21. All of the New England and Mid-Atlantic states, with the exception of Pennsylvania, had drinking ages below 21. For example New Hampshire and Massachusetts’s legal drinking age was 18 from 1973 to 1979, and 20 until 1985. What this means is that most people over the age of 48 who tell us that underage drinking is wrong, could drink when they were 18. I am not trying to start a debate over what the national drinking age should be I just wanted let the piece of information be known.

I am not saying that students should go out and get wasted every Friday and Saturday night, (Well in the newspaper I say that, but on here... why not...) but I honestly see nothing wrong with college students having a few (dozen) drinks on weekends. I believe that moderation is key, if you are able to handle and control yourself after a few drinks, all the power to you. I strongly believe that the social aspects and experiences of college are just as important, if not more, than that what students learn in the classroom.

UNH needs to accept the fact that it is a state university and it always will be. Not that there is anything wrong with that, infact the valedictorian from my high school came here. Many UNH alumni have gone on to do great things, and I am very proud to be a member of the student body here. Students come to UNH because they know they will receive an excellent education and also be able to experience a unique social culture. I guess the main point I am trying to make is that state schools are very respectable, but because of the size there will always be a large population of underage students who are going to drink. Until UNH realizes this I am afraid that the will be a continuous waste of money, time and effort being poured into a failing system.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

PS: Today's awesome guitarist will be up later in a small separate post.

Like a Fuckin' Pro: An Internet Blog

I have decided that on days when TNH publishes one of my submissions I will rerelease the uncut version (with curse words and drug and alcohol references) on the blog with links and all. This way people who don't get the paper (some friends at different schools and a few alumni ect...) can read the article. Plus, I have a feeling most of my readers like those stories and references. I hope that you had the opportunity to see today's column, it was probably the hardest thing I've had to write because I had to keep reminding myself to keep it clean. If you are new to the blog, thanks to TNH, welcome and I hope you enjoy it.

Before I copy and paste below, I feel I owe you all an apology.

I know that tomorrow will be my 100th post, but sadly my project I wished to unveil will not be ready. It is a multimedia project with video and music and it looks as though I'll need another weekend to finish it. No thanks to my professors who decided to pile on the work all of a sudden. I will try to do my best to have it up in a week, I just want to make it as best as possible and the timing just hasn't worked out this week.

So remember that this was originally published (cleanly edited) in a newspaper so some of it may seem a bit odd.

Before you read this article go turn on “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osborne. It is my introduction song to get you pumped up. I recommend blasting it for approximately 1 minute and then fade it out as you begin to read.

At the end of last March I started up a blog about daily life at UNH called “The University of Nonsensical Happenings.” It was nothing fancy, just something that I did for fun in order to have something to look back for my future memoirs. I never expected to have many people to read it; so needless to say, I was fucking blown away when the page counter continued to increase on a daily basis. The next thing I knew, readers began to tell me how much they enjoyed the blog because they could often relate to my experiences.

Fast forward a couple months and the people at TNH have contacted me and asked if I would be interested in writing for them.

Honestly, I did not even know newspapers still existed. I haven’t read one for at least three years because of this new fad called the interweb or something like that. Is there a way to insert a link to a youtube video in a newspaper? Has that technology been invented? If it is not around yet I have an idea for Apple; I call it the iPaper. Where is Steve Jobs when you fucking need him?

I have never written for any legitimate publication before, unless you count my elementary school’s annual poetry book, which I do. Honestly though, when I was in first grade the book skipped from page 73 to 75. Guess who was on page 74. Needless to say I was crushed; but I did not let it affect me because when I was in fifth grade my poem entitled “Pedro vs. Jeter” was on page one. It chronicled an epic battle in which Pedro Martinez struck out Derek Jeter on a full count. (If we had the technology I would insert a link to Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Day’s.") I knew that I did not want to be a regular columnist because I really enjoy the freedom that I have on my own blog. So when the opportunity arrived for me to submit random columns for publication I jumped at it. This way I could still write the blog full time, and be able to contribute to the paper. But there were two major problems.

The first problem I thought of was the fact that on my blog I can get away with not knowing any grammar. I am famous for run-on sentences, constantly changing tenses and misusing commas. Apparently these are things that matter when writing for an actual publication. I know this because I Google searched “How to write a newspaper article” before starting this. I am not journalism major, or even an English major, and I feared that I would be in way over my head. Soon after convincing myself that acing English 401 would be good enough for the editors I ran into an even bigger problem. What the fuck would I write about?

On my blog I can write about whatever I want without having to face any repercussions:

Ahem: FUCK SHIT.

See, anything.

In fact, the biggest controversy I have faced was when my roommate’s girlfriend took a post a little too literally. Let’s face it, we all stretch the truth for entertainment purposes once and a while. I realize my posts that gain the most interest usually involve topics that are inappropriate for any respectable newspaper. Topics that include alcohol, drugs, sex and rock and roll. (Link to “Dazed and Confused” by Led Zeppelin.) I can no longer just write whatever comes to mind; instead I now have to use politically correct terms when I would usually just swear. It is much harder to make a point while being professional and proper. I have no idea how to be interesting while censoring myself. Half the time I just write about drinking in my dorm room and going to D-Hop. (Link to “Crack a Bottle” by Eminem.)

At the start of last year I would have never dreamed of writing a blog and look where I am now. (Still writing a blog.) If you have gotten anything out of this rambling, incoherent piece of writing I hope it is that you should always be willing to try new things and to never not take anything too seriously. Especially yourself. No matter how fucking awesome you think you are, there is always room for more fucking awesomeness. We have a long year a head of us and I am interested to see where this column (and blog) takes me; so buckle up, grab your popcorn, stay smart, stay safe and most of all

Stay classy, not UMassy.