Like a Fuckin' Pro: An Internet Blog

I have decided that on days when TNH publishes one of my submissions I will rerelease the uncut version (with curse words and drug and alcohol references) on the blog with links and all. This way people who don't get the paper (some friends at different schools and a few alumni ect...) can read the article. Plus, I have a feeling most of my readers like those stories and references. I hope that you had the opportunity to see today's column, it was probably the hardest thing I've had to write because I had to keep reminding myself to keep it clean. If you are new to the blog, thanks to TNH, welcome and I hope you enjoy it.

Before I copy and paste below, I feel I owe you all an apology.

I know that tomorrow will be my 100th post, but sadly my project I wished to unveil will not be ready. It is a multimedia project with video and music and it looks as though I'll need another weekend to finish it. No thanks to my professors who decided to pile on the work all of a sudden. I will try to do my best to have it up in a week, I just want to make it as best as possible and the timing just hasn't worked out this week.

So remember that this was originally published (cleanly edited) in a newspaper so some of it may seem a bit odd.

Before you read this article go turn on “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osborne. It is my introduction song to get you pumped up. I recommend blasting it for approximately 1 minute and then fade it out as you begin to read.

At the end of last March I started up a blog about daily life at UNH called “The University of Nonsensical Happenings.” It was nothing fancy, just something that I did for fun in order to have something to look back for my future memoirs. I never expected to have many people to read it; so needless to say, I was fucking blown away when the page counter continued to increase on a daily basis. The next thing I knew, readers began to tell me how much they enjoyed the blog because they could often relate to my experiences.

Fast forward a couple months and the people at TNH have contacted me and asked if I would be interested in writing for them.

Honestly, I did not even know newspapers still existed. I haven’t read one for at least three years because of this new fad called the interweb or something like that. Is there a way to insert a link to a youtube video in a newspaper? Has that technology been invented? If it is not around yet I have an idea for Apple; I call it the iPaper. Where is Steve Jobs when you fucking need him?

I have never written for any legitimate publication before, unless you count my elementary school’s annual poetry book, which I do. Honestly though, when I was in first grade the book skipped from page 73 to 75. Guess who was on page 74. Needless to say I was crushed; but I did not let it affect me because when I was in fifth grade my poem entitled “Pedro vs. Jeter” was on page one. It chronicled an epic battle in which Pedro Martinez struck out Derek Jeter on a full count. (If we had the technology I would insert a link to Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Day’s.") I knew that I did not want to be a regular columnist because I really enjoy the freedom that I have on my own blog. So when the opportunity arrived for me to submit random columns for publication I jumped at it. This way I could still write the blog full time, and be able to contribute to the paper. But there were two major problems.

The first problem I thought of was the fact that on my blog I can get away with not knowing any grammar. I am famous for run-on sentences, constantly changing tenses and misusing commas. Apparently these are things that matter when writing for an actual publication. I know this because I Google searched “How to write a newspaper article” before starting this. I am not journalism major, or even an English major, and I feared that I would be in way over my head. Soon after convincing myself that acing English 401 would be good enough for the editors I ran into an even bigger problem. What the fuck would I write about?

On my blog I can write about whatever I want without having to face any repercussions:

Ahem: FUCK SHIT.

See, anything.

In fact, the biggest controversy I have faced was when my roommate’s girlfriend took a post a little too literally. Let’s face it, we all stretch the truth for entertainment purposes once and a while. I realize my posts that gain the most interest usually involve topics that are inappropriate for any respectable newspaper. Topics that include alcohol, drugs, sex and rock and roll. (Link to “Dazed and Confused” by Led Zeppelin.) I can no longer just write whatever comes to mind; instead I now have to use politically correct terms when I would usually just swear. It is much harder to make a point while being professional and proper. I have no idea how to be interesting while censoring myself. Half the time I just write about drinking in my dorm room and going to D-Hop. (Link to “Crack a Bottle” by Eminem.)

At the start of last year I would have never dreamed of writing a blog and look where I am now. (Still writing a blog.) If you have gotten anything out of this rambling, incoherent piece of writing I hope it is that you should always be willing to try new things and to never not take anything too seriously. Especially yourself. No matter how fucking awesome you think you are, there is always room for more fucking awesomeness. We have a long year a head of us and I am interested to see where this column (and blog) takes me; so buckle up, grab your popcorn, stay smart, stay safe and most of all

Stay classy, not UMassy.