Shenanigans in NYC

So I was going to write a big long post detailing all my shenanigans in New York City from Thursday and Friday, but to tell you the truth I don't remember much... Just kidding I remember it all, but I know most of you probably  wouldn't read the entire post so I'll keep it semi brief. (Read: there are some things left better unwritten.)

In a 27.5 hour period (beginning Thursday at 7 am and ending Friday around 10:30 am) my brother and I spent roughly 13 or so hours on a bus. Luckily I slept (read: was passed out) for the return trip. Anyways, we arrived to NYC around 2 pm on Thursday afternoon. First bar around 3. They had $5 beer and whiskey shot combos, which is probably the greatest way to ever start off a day of drinking before a rock concert. Think about it, you're drinking a shot and beer in the amount of time you would normally do one or the other. That's twice the drunk in half the time! How could things ever turn out bad? (Hint: They don't!)

The place was a total dive, we coined the term "Duct tape Dive" because the entire booths were held together by red duct tape. The bartenders were wasted, along with all the other people there.  I love NYC. Anyways, we hit another bar after on the way to the concert. Had a few Jim Beam nips and finally the doors opened early around 6:30 or so.

Anyways, the concert was unreal. My Morning Jacket was unbelievably good and if you ever have the chance to seem them you really should. They played all of their album "It Still Moves" (they were doing 5 nights in a row, featuring a different album each night and recording it for a DVD box set). During their encore they played a few B-sides, a Bob Dylan cover, and a very awesome cover of the Band's "It Makes No Difference" and finished with a cool version of Lionel Richies' "All Night Long." If you're a fan of the band check out Youtube for recordings of just about every song they played, especially "Run Thru;" it was an intense performance with crazy strobe lights.

All in all it was an epic 27.5 hours. New York City never disappoints and you never know what you're going to see. Like the legitimately insane guy inline behind me at the bus station. The dude was absolutely terrifying.

That is how you fuckin' rock!

Tomorrow I'll  post my TNH column about my experience at the Colonial Clash before getting back to the regular postings. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Drinking Time!

Quick and early post today because I have back-to-back classes and then got to clean up the apartment before the night's shenanigans begin. I hope you all enjoyed your first Thirsty Thursday of the year, especially you freshman having your first on of your college career. I know I sure did. My roommates and I were just having a few drinks, watching a few football games, keeping it low key. We all have morning classes and a few have 8 and 9 a.m's so we weren't planning on getting too rowdy. After a while we notice one of the roommates has passed out on the couch. After a few minutes he flops over and now his head and neck are bent over the edge in an awkward and uncomfortable manner. Then he falls. Face-first digger to the floor. He was completely KO'ed, not moving. So, being the kind person I am, I grab his upper body, another roommate grabs his legs and we carry him off too bed. About halfway there he finally wakes up and says (read this in a 4-year-old voice to get the full effect) "Where are we going?" Maybe you had to be there, but it was fucking hilarious and I'm sure most of you can relate to this, and if not, you probably will be able to soon enough.

Anyways, it's the weekend, college football has started, UNH plays their opening game Saturday at noon (you all better be there!) and then we have Labor Day. What I'm saying to you is this, there is no excuse not to drink this weekend. Enjoy, party on, stay safe. I must leave you now to get ready for tonight's humdinger. 

Come on, how can you not like a little folk-rock to kick off you weekend?

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Drunken Dreams

Hello, and yes I am still alive! I know it has been a while but I've been back and forth from home, packing, cleaning and studying. I had my two most important finals this morning, but now I am done until a gen-ed on Thursday. Anyways, as I was showering at 7a.m. this morning (8 a.m. finals are probably the worst thing for a college student with my sleep patterns) and my mind began to wander...

I have noticed that when I have a late night drinking and pass out I have the strangest, but weirdly realistic dreams. Now, "strange" and "weirdly realistic" probably seem contradictory, but I am a pretty weird person (if you haven't noticed by now I spend my free time in college writing a blog about free time in college - yeah that is actually kind of weird but at least I acknowledge it). Anyways, these dreams I have are usually pretty bizarre and involve me doing something that wouldn't seem too out of line for a drunk person and they usually result in me waking up and trying to figure out if that was a dream or reality. That can be scary, possibly even scarier than blacking out and not remembering anything the next day... for example the other day I woke up and I had the memory of coating myself in an entire bottle of Axe, not the spray but an actual bottle. You can imagine the smell, it would be the equivalent of a skunk gone wild in the basement of a frat. Anyways, I was very happy to discover that the only bottle of Axe I have was unopened and my room smelled fine. Phew, that could have been bad.

Actually the scariest thing is waking up and thinking something happened, deciding that it didn't happen only to discover later upon further investigation that it did actually happen. Then you are left to figure out what the hell else happened "The Hangover" style. This has also happened to me pretty recently. I woke up one morning and seeing a trash bag on the side of my bed I had the distinct memory of puking. Needless to say I was very pleased when I saw that they bag was empty and clean, but I proclaimed to my roommate "I could have sworn that I puked last night, where did it go? I can't find it... I guess I didn't." Now, there is nothing wrong with puking after a night of drinking, we have all been in that situation where there is a cute girl/guy and you think they are into you so you have another drink to provide more time for an impression to be made. I mean, they already smiled at you and showed an interest, but in reality that smile was really out of entertainment because you already can't finish a sentence... or a thought for that matter. But, hey you're out celebrating because you just aced that Anthropology exam after only attending three classes for the past month and a half, including the review session that lasted 15 minutes because only four out of the 150 students had a question and two of them were about the length and format, which the professor already explained. So why not have a couple more drinks? Are you still following? To make a short story long, I found that puke on the side of my bed a few hours later... can you guess who did laundry that afternoon? This guy.

Wow, that was quite a rant. I guess that is what happens when I don't write a blog with any substance for a few days. I hope to keep writing for the rest of the week, but I'm still unsure about my summer plans for the blog so keep checking back. It all depends if I have some good material and inspiration. Good luck with the rest of your finals and if you're done have a great summer.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

We almost just hit a hooker!

Yes, this blog title does not lie. This past Friday night I went to the Red Sox game with three friends from UNH. It was a really fun game, even thought the captains from the BC hockey team threw out the first pitch of the game. We were in the right-centerfield bleachers, where apparently everyone hated BC. I heard everything from "Terriers" to "Black Bears" and even a few other UNH shout outs. Anyways the Red Sox won 4-3 thanks to David Ortiz hitting his first homerun of the year and Adrian Beltre drawing a bases loaded walk in the 8th inning. Once the game ended the real fun began.

First we were heading down a dark back street to cut through to Storrow Drive to get out of the city. All of a sudden this "woman" crosses the street right in front of the car. The driver had to slam on his breaks and swerve, she literally came out of nowhere. Instantly all four of us shouted "We almost just his a hooker!" or some variation of "hit" and "hooker." Now, if you asked me to describe a prostitute in general I would include the following: tall high heeled-boots, booty shorts, tank top, big hair, big boobs and kind of dirty and sad looking in a general way. That is exactly how this "lady" looked, which is why we all assumed that she was in fact, a hooker.

So once we left the city we decided to grab some McDonalds, but the one we exited the highway for was closed. We somehow ended up at another one and eventually made it back to the  highway thanks to the driver's GPS. But before that we had to search for a place to pee, went to about four or five places that were all closed or "didn't have a bathroom," but they all had groups of guys sitting on the hoods of suped up imported cars who looked like they wanted to stab us.

On the way back home we stopped at the rest stop on the New Hampshire boarder on route 95. At the restroom we ran into a group of older guys who were also at the game, extremely intoxicated and had a limo. One guy looks at my friend, who had a Sox hat and shirt on and goes "were you guys at the game too?"
"Yeah" I replied.
"Ah, so who won... Ortiz?"
None of us replied and the guy goes, "Oh, so Papelbon won?"
He then continued on about loosing his cellphone in the limo or something like that. Seriously, this guy was more of a mess than someone who didn't keep their eye on their drink at (insert any sketchy UNH party spot that you can relate to.)

One can say that it was quite the eventful night.
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Pro: Drunken Etiquette

Over Easter my parents seemed concerned that all my articles deal with alcohol. (They read my newspaper work, but not the blog - as far as I know.) I said that not every article deals with alcohol and my dad replied, "well, at least every other one does." Well, too late I had already started writing this... I made the point that my alcohol columns tend to be for "entertainment and humor" and they get me in the least amount of trouble (cough dining...) so without any further adieu I present "Drunken Etiquette."

During my time at UNH, I have noticed that a lot of people complain about the campus police. I know I have spoken out against their tactics before, but on the other hand they are just doing their job. Weekends at UNH can be a blast, but sometimes wearing handcuffs after a party is a bad thing. Personally, I have never been arrested, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, or any other night of week for that matter. This is UNH, who am I kidding? Take a stroll around campus on a nice weekend night and you are practically guaranteed to witness an arrest or two, or 10.

Many times these students are just in the wrong place at the wrong time and there is nothing they can do about it. Except not drinking in the first place, but we all know that is not going to happen. However, there are times when students call attention to themselves and basically ask to get arrested. Bad ideas when you are intoxicated on campus include, but are not limited to: running, climbing buildings, urinating on or behind a car – especially a cop car – yelling, stumbling, driving, fighting, streaking, sitting and crying in the street, crawling and getting stuck in a swamp.

Calling attention to yourself is the easiest way to get arrested, even if you have not been drinking. One of my favorite stories was from last semester when a student was arrested for throwing an open beer can at the windshield of a police car as it drove by. When it comes to bad ideas that is probably the most ridiculously stupid thing an intoxicated student can do. You want to avoid those “Yeah, I remember my first beer” moments. If you are not able to control yourself after a few drinks, then don’t drink because that is when people get arrested, or even worse, injured. It is the students who cannot control themselves who give others just looking to have a good time a bad name.

One major tip to avoid an arrest is to be aware of your surroundings. The university police know that students leaving a party are bound to be hungry, so places like D-Hop and Wildcatessen are always under close surveillance late at night. If you act belligerent, don’t be surprised when a cop comes strolling through the door with a pair of handcuffs. If someone tells you about a safe path or spot in the woods to drink, it’s not safe. If they know about it so does most of the campus, which means the campus police knows about it too.

Having a proper drunken etiquette goes beyond just avoiding an arrest. It also includes having some decent manners at a party. For example, if you are ready to turn it up to 11, make sure other people are too because you don’t want to be the only one dancing on top of the furniture. If the person hosting a party asks you to quiet down then do it because being loud is an open invitation for the cops or RAs to shut a party down. In the same boat, but more importantly, if the host asks you to leave, whether the party is over or you are just being too rowdy then you need to respect the host’s rules.

The final stage of drunken etiquette is the ability to deal with roommates, whether they are the belligerent drunks or you are. I have had awesome roommates, meaning when they urinate in the room, most of it makes it into a bottle. Being able to control a roommate-gone-wild is a very important skill, especially if you’re living in a dorm. Sometimes that means cleaning up someone else’s vomit, just make sure your roommate knows they owe you one. Big time. On the flipside, you don’t want to be the crappy roommate who needs to be babysat every weekend. If that continues, you’re going to find yourself living in a single at Stoke, and then you’ll be in real trouble the next time you decide “Jager Bombs” and Heinekens are the perfect 3 p.m. thirst quencher.

The campus police, RAs and CAs have a strict policy to stick by, so if you can’t control yourself after a few drinks, don’t be surprised when you find yourself in the back of a paddy wagon. Every weekend there are dozens of arrests on campus for alcohol-related offenses, but there are far more than a dozen people who decide to drink.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Let's Do This

Alright listen up UNH, I currently have two goals.
1) To have as much fun as possible during these last weekends before summer. To get you pumped up here is an epic collection of Beirut dunks.


Please, if you have the technology and the ups send me your own video submissions. I would love that so much. If you do you will be crowned blog reader of the year and possibly win a prize. (Maybe). It is currently a tight race and this could be a chance for a true dark horse to come up big. Just make sure that I can tell it is at UNH, meaning a shirt, logo or any UNH identifiable image. Or you can just say it on camera. I will try my best to try and capture a few by years end, maybe even my own, but no promises.

My second goal is to get UNH's own Valhalla to open for Sam Adams. I have no idea if Adams, or Barstoolpalooza has their own opener, but we're going to try. I have never met Valhalla, but he is the man behind "Drop 'em" and "Party at UNH" which can be heard at almost every campus party or dorm room. So I am asking my readers to go on the event page for the Sam Adams show and request Valhalla to open, I know several already have. You even email "El Prez" from Barstool and request it if you want. UNH students came up big to get Adams in the first place, so why can't we get our own local opener?



UNHers I am counting on you to help make this happen. So remember:

1) get drunk.
2) get a camera and a crappy Beirut table.
3) film your best (or worst) dunk attempt.
4) email me a link or video to win best blog reader of the year.
5) request Valhalla to open.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Historical figures to drink with

So the other day I was sitting in my history class taking notes. I was in the mode where you just write down everything on the powerpoint slide, but you're not paying attention. I began thinking about different people throughout history who would be fun to get drunk with. Like really drunk and just shoot the shit.

As a history major, and an admirer of beer, I think I am qualified to discuss which historical figures would be fun to drink with. I know this has been done before, but these are my personal opinions.

Think of how fun it would have been to get shit faced with Thomas Jefferson and get him really fired up about starting some revolution and then afterwards he would probably smoke you up with George Washington with some high quality "Indian hemp" as they called it. Or how about Ben Franklin, he loved a good beer... and French whores. Ben Franklin would probably get real belligerent, I mean he (or someone working for him...) tied a key to a kite in a lightening storm, he had to have thought of that when he was drunk.  Franklin also said "beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Him and Thomas Paine probably got kicked out of more bars than you could imagine. Abe Lincoln would make another good drinking partner and Teddy Roosevelt probably had a bunch of great stories from his time as the New York City police commissioner in the 1890's. Winston Churchill would definitely be a top 5 pick for me after I discovered his response to "Sir, you're drunk!" was "Madam, you're ugly; But at least I'll be sober in the morning." Good times would be had by all.

But there are other people who I would have liked to get drunk and then watch them get their ass kicked. Hitler is the obvious choice. I would have loved to see Hitler get his ass kicked. And then I would push him off a bridge. Or Joe McCarthy. I would point out some big dudes at the bar and tell him there were communists who hated America. He would try and start shit and get his ass kicked all the way back to Wisconsin. (I'm assuming we wouldn't be drinking in Wisconsin.) Don't get me wrong I hate communism, but McCarthy was a lying douchebag who deserved a good ass-kicking.

As for people who are still living, George W. Bush would be fun too, except he would probably try and start a fight with the table across the room just because he thought they might try and fight us. That could lead to a real messy situation. Bill Clinton would probably be real fun, but he seems like he would be the type of guy would leave with the first chick who flirted with him. Bro's before hoes, Billy! I bet Hillary would show up right when he was about to leave and kick the shit out of him. I can't leave out Obama, he seems like he knows how to have a fun time, especially with Biden around.

Other people (dead or alive) I would like to have a beer or two or 10 with include: Stephan Colbert, Zach Galifianakis, Hunter S Thompson, Johnny Cash, Eugene Hutz, Warren Zevon (pretty much any classic rocker for that matter), and Megan Fox. (That should go without saying...)

Who would you like to get drunk with?

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Drinking Games

Rusty's post from Saturday got me really excited for the final countdown of weekends at UNH before summer break. It has inspired me to share some of my all-time favorite drinking games. For the most part these are all pretty well known games, but true classics are classics for a reason. Because they're awesome and they make getting drunk even more awesome and fun. By the way, I am listening to MGMT's new album on NPR as I write this, so if you're a fan of the band I recommend you check out that last link. So, in no specific order, just the order I think of them, I give you The New Hampshirite's personal favorite drinking games:

• Beirut- That's right. It is a classic, simple and results in a great level of drunkitude. Shoot the ping pong ball into the bowling pin-arranged cups and watch your opponent get sloshed. Just be warned, they call me Ray Allen for a reason. Clutch.
• Beer Pong- often confused with Beirut, beer pong is actually a game played with paddles on a real ping-pong table. In beer pong there is a cup of beer at each of the 4 corners of the table, every point you opponent gets you take a sip and if the ball lands in a cup you must finish it. This game can be seen in Beerfest. 
• Kings- A great card game where the cards are arranged face-down in a circle around a center cup. Each player pulls a card and must do what ever rule is assigned to that card. There are many different rules and ways to play so I won't go into detail for each card. The cup in the middle can be an empty solo cup that is filled with a combination of each players drink and is drank by the person who pulls the 4th king. The center cup can also be a beer can and each card pulled is put under the tab. Whose ever card opens the beer must drink it.
• Apples to Apples- Not necessarily a drinking game but it can easily be turned into one. This is a lot of fun and easy and it doesn't get too difficult as your level of intoxication increases. It does require specific playing cards so that is one downfall of the game.
• Dringa- Take each block from a Jenga set and write a rule on it, many rules can be similar to kings or even more bizarre. My personal favorites include acting out a movie scene or singing a verse from a '90's one hit wonder. Whoever knocks over the tower must finish his or her drink and rebuild it. Difficulty greatly increases after a few drinks.
• Drink the Beer- Drink the beer and you win another beer!
• Movie drinking- pick a favorite movie and enforce a sip whenever certain words are said. Real troopers like "fuck" in The Departed or "man/dude" from The Big Lebowski. (And smoke a J every time the Dude does.)
• Fuck the dealer- This is a game where you guess the next card in the deck. As the game goes on, the dealer gets fucked. High levels of intoxication are reached. Very similar to another favorite, Up the River (some call it down the river).
• Darts- playing darts is awesome, drink casually or make up your own rules.
• Polish horseshoes- An outdoor game where a beer bottle is placed on top of a ski pole (or stick) in the ground. There are two sides, each with a pole/bottle, and the teams take turns trying to knock the bottle off with a frisbee. 
• Horseballs- also called ladderball, is another outdoor game. Kind of hard to explain, but easy to play. (PS I don't recommend looking up videos of "horseballs.")
• Other simple/common games: quarters, spoons, asshole, baseball...

I know there are a bunch more that I like, but I can't think of them all/I need to go to class, so comment below some of your favorite games. (Hmm, kind of ironic I can't remember some drinking games, huh?)

Also it has been brought to my attention that there is a new UNH blog in town... or online... called unschool UNH. It appears to be a liberal activist/sustainable-community-oriented sort of blog and since they link to me I have decided to return the favor.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

No Classes!

PBR: The breakfast of champions alcoholics.

I'm always prepared for a power outage and no school. I'm going to D-Hop at 11 a.m. and demanding $1.50 slices. Enjoy your day off everyone and have a nice weekend. How bad does UNH suck at communicating? WMUR reported that UNH was cancelled at 8 a.m. but we weren't told until like 9:15. Whatever. I may or may not end up tubing down the stream on campus and I plan on doing adventures all day.

Stay classy, not UMassy. (Not sure that applies in this case...)

Chatroulette is awesome

Over the weekend I discovered the greatest thing ever, Chatroulette. I guess it has been blowing up lately and fucking with people on it is awesome. It is basically a video/audio chat but it is random and you can next people. A few friends and I were on it the other day and to put it simply, it is amazing, especially when you are drunk. And its even better if you're baked. I have a program where I can change my webcam so I have a goofy background or like a cat face and some other crazy shit and people's reactions are priceless. Last night I had on the cat face and underneath I wrote "You must be trippin'" and the dude freaked out and then held up a massive bong. The only thing is once and a while you see some fucked up shit that may or may not haunt you forever. 

In other news that kid who made the "Party at UNH" is at it again. This time it is an original and plans on releasing his album for free download in March. I got an email explaining how "Valhalla" writes, makes his own beats and records all his stuff in his dorm room. A while ago I tried starting a band with William Takefield, him on the guitar and me on my macbook garage band. It was so fucking hard even when we was sober that we gave up. So whether you like it or not you should give this kid some respect because making beats it way hard than you would think. I don't know this kid, but I have met other kid, Evin, who guest sings on this track and he was pretty chill, so I figured why not give them some publicity. Plus they contacted me so they obviously know this is the place to go for students to get the word out. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Who wants to be a Predator?

To make a long story short, I have an older brother who lives in San Francisco. We are on the same cellphone plan so I have a SF area code. That info is vital for some events that took place last night.

At approximately 10:59 PM I get a call from an 800 number, I decided to pick up because the same number had tried calling a few times over the past week. I knew it would be a telemarketer and I figured if I picked up and humored them, they would stop calling. I pick up and say "Hello! Hello?! What are you up to?" He is already laughing, probably realizing I was drunk, and says "Hi, I am calling for the San Francisco Chronicle..." I tell my friends it's a telemarketer from California and my roommate's girlfriend grabs the phone and says "Hey, you kind of interrupted an intimate moment. We're having a crazy fuck-fest!" This guy immediately replies with "Oh, damn! I need some footage of that!"So she replies "Awe, no doubt babe, I'm a stripper so it's all good. Where you at?" He tells her that he is in Oakland. So then she says, "Oakland? I'm at a party at UNH, in New Hampshire. What's you number?" The guy then gives her his own cell number and I write it down. Remember, he is a telemarketer, supposed to be selling me newspaper subscriptions. I'm pretty sure all their calls are recorded. About 30 minutes later, she calls his cell on another kid's phone and leaves a voicemail asking what his favorite positions are for that footage he so badly wanted. A few minutes later we get a text that says "Hey I'm still at work. I love sex! Period baby. Any and all positions." Needless to say about 25 minutes later this guy calls us. My roommate's girlfriend picks up and he tells her how he is going out to the bars with some coworkers and he wants some footage and to know when she is going to fly out to California to meet him. This fucking guy was ready to go and he meant business. Like what was this guy thinking? That this chick, claiming to be a stripper from New Hampshire, was actually going to fly across the country to meet him. Is that desperate or is that how this guy gets off? Where the fuck is Chris Hanson when you need him! Anyways about an hour later he sends us a picture of himself in a suit (of course telemarketers wear suits) and he was a middle-aged black guy. We never replied back so this guy is probably thinking she didn't like the picture he sent. Perhaps the best part is that the kid's whose phone we used didn't remember it. So he seemed a little puzzled when he checked his texts this morning. After last night I realized how fucked up some people are. This dude sent complete strangers his own number and seriously wanted some footage and pictures. Isn't that was craigslist and internet porn are for?

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Weekend Wars

It is the first full weekend of the semester and it is time to start the weekend wars. It's going to be a cold one in Durham, but don't let that be your excuse to staying in your room all weekend. Bundle up, wear layers and make a difference. With your help UNH can become a top party school once again. I believe in you my fellow UNHers, so let's do this and make a change. I'm keeping this short because I have a few things to do before the night begins, seriously I don't know why you're reading this. It's like 3:30 on a Friday, you better be drunk, or at least on your way. I am a terrible role model. I apologize. Quick question for any engineer or or mechanical science type majors out there: say I have a school bus stop sign in my room. How would be the best way to make it light up and stuff? It has those two red flashers and wires that were cleanly cut by Mr. Takefield himself. Is there a way to connect those wires to something and make it light up? I'm going to get fire coded...

Speaking of Takefield, we have a new weekly addition to the blog. It is called "Professor Takefield's Science Fact of the Week" because I think I should incorporate more education in this college blog. This week's fact is that the largest meteor to hit the earth it was about 6 miles high and hit near the Yucatan Peninsula. Holy fuck that is big. Thanks, science that was enlightening.

Anyways, have a good weekend UNH and party hard. Stay safe, stay smart, stay drunk and most of all
Stay classy, UMassy.

Back to School...

Dear UNH,
The new semester is upon us and I have one warning: Watch out. If I may quote my friends from Gogol Bordello, "We're coming rougher every time." I promise to uphold that statement by partying, working and blogging harder than ever before. I am very excited for the new semester and I feel that great things are in store for us all. We have a new writer (and hopefully more, or some guest posts at the very least) and I feel that the University of Nonsensical Happenings is heading in the right direction. I spent my break working on a house and reading some journalistic inspiration works from Hunter S Thompson. Let me tell you after spending the last two weeks helping on my dad on my parent's new house and spending time around some crazy motherfuckers I've never been more appreciative of my education at UNH.

Over break I went to New York City, got served at bars, saw one of my favorites bands and did some skiing, but the craziest story of my break happened this morning.  A guy delivering lumber in a huge flatbed-crane-truck was backing out of our driveway and he sideswiped a small granite post for the length of the truck and snapped a 14 foot tree in half. He left without telling us. It turns out he was drunk... at 9AM.

Here is a prime example of someone who doesn't take responsibility or understand moderation. As you can probably tell by reading this blog I am all about having fun, and a good amount of us have been to class  hungover or maybe a bit drunk from the previous night, but there is a fine line between not being able to take notes and not being able to drive. When that line is crossed, people's lives are in danger. So for this up coming semester, please be responsible. Don't worry, I'm not getting soft on you, I still hope to see UNH back on the Princeton Reviews best party school list. UNH may not have a Good Samaritan or Medical Amnesty policy in place yet, but we do have handy programs like safe rides. Also, don't get arrested, that would fucking suck. UNH and Durham cops know how to trip kids up so know your rights. Here is a video that I have posted before, but if you haven't seen it I highly recommend watching it, because it could keep your name out of the ever popular TNH police log:

This is college, meaning that the time and place for "that" is now, so go out, have fun, party and drink if that's your game, but stay smart, stay safe and most of all
Stay classy, not UMassy.

Saturday Evening Update

Hello blog readers. Excuse any poor grammar, for I am hammered. Hmm, that kind of rhymed. I'm not really sure why I'm posting right now but I felt like I should. I will have a column in both issues of TNH next week so that is pretty cool. I like rum. I'm about to leave for the basketball game, and then I'm just chilling for the night with some friends. Nothing special but it will be fun. I just want to say, fuck the police, fuck the UNH administration and fuck sober people. Wow, thank god for spell check. This is infuriating. I give up, just watch this video:



 Have a good night. Stay drunk, stay safe, stay smart but most of all:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

A Quick Story

Before I get into my story, I feel as though I need to thank you all. Yesterday this blog had the top two posts on The College Blog Network, which has a live feed of just over 300 college blogs. I believe they are still ranked 1 and 2, so I'm really pumped about that. There is no way this blog would be where it is without loyal readers, so thank you all.

This is a story about my brother's friend at college in the city of San Francisco. My brother's friend will be known as "Tom" to make this easier. Tom is now 22, but at the time of the following events he was only about 20. Tom is the type of kid who looks a older, he has a receding hairline and is a little chubby.

So, Tom was a small party at another friend's third floor door room in the city. At this school, the RA's don't care about anything and the dorm rooms are old, renovated hotels. They are more like an apartment than a dorm. Basically everyone (including the RA's) smokes weed and drinks in the streets and in their room because it is San Francisco and no one cares. Even police...

Anyways...

Tom was very drunk and he left he the dorm to go smoke a cigarette on the street. After he was done smoking he realized that he would need to have someone come down to let him back into the building. He decided that it would be better to climb the fire escape to the third floor and jump threw the window to surprise everyone. So, Tom climbs up the ladder and finds the window. He slings it open and shouts "Hey!"

As he does this he realizes that it was the wrong room and there is only a girl sleeping in her bed. The girl wakes up and starts screaming so Tom jumps back out the window and runs away to his own dorm.

The next day there were fliers all over the dorms describing an attempted robbery by a 35-year-old fat bald guy who climbed up the fire escape. This is how my brother's friend came to realize that he looks like a 35-year-old fat and bald guy.

I sure some of you have heard, or been apart of, stories like this. Maybe some of you will do something like this while trying to get more drunk than that squirrel. That would be awesome.

If you do get really drunk and a cop gives you shit, make sure you know your rights!

Today's guitarist is none other than Eugene Hutz of Gogol Bordello. He is known for his slap and pick techniques on a nylon string acoustic guitar, which comes from his Gypsy-Eastern European background. This is Hutz with two other members of Gogol performing "Not a Crime."

Stay classy, not UMassy.

New Drinking Game

I have invented a new drinking game: If you don't get drunker than this squirrel this weekend you loose.

There are plenty of reasons for UNH students to drink this weekend. First of all today is Thirsty Thursday, it's October, the Bruins season starts tonight, tomorrow is Friday, the day after that is Saturday with college football and the UNH hockey team has a home game. Then it is Sunday and the NFL will be on. So if you don't get drunker than this squirrel you loose. It's simple, if you get more drunk, you win! You know what is funny about squirrels? They love nuts!

Seriously, watch that link. Hilarious.

This game has led me to create that first ever University of Nonsensical Happenings Blog Competition. If you get a squirrel drunk and video tape it and send it to me you will win a blog T-shirt made by me (with a sharpie) and I will personally deliver it to you. (I'm poor.) Wow, people will definitely be out in riot mode trying to get squirrels shit-faced this weekend.

I don't know about you, but I cannot wait for the hockey game this weekend. Even if it is an exhibition game, it will be a great way to get a feel for the upcoming season.

I also want to thank people who commented on yesterday's post. It is good to know that other people felt the same way about those douchebags.

Today's awesome guitarist is the highly underrated David Gilmour of the legendary Pink Floyd:

So for the weekend, stay safe (don't play with knives, children!), stay smart, stay drunk and most off all:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

The UNH-UMaine Decathlon

Two schools. Ten events and categories. One epic night. One winner.

Friday at noon my friend (aka my driver) and I left for the 3 and 1/2 hour drive to Orono, Maine to visit some friends at UMaine. My friend has an apartment about 15 minutes off campus in Old Town. I would say it is like the equivalent of living in Newmarket or Dover. We arrived at his apartment around four and he gave us a tour around campus. To make this story easy, my Maine friend will be known as Maine Guy. Maine Guy is a big fan of the blog and he knew ahead of time that I would be critiquing UMO all day and night so he came out swinging by showing of their recreational center. It was very nice. We went to a dining hall, which I would compare to our Union Court in the MUB, which is weird because it was also called Union something. Good food, but pricy. It wasn't all you can eat like our cafes and I paid $8.50 for a small pizza, breadsticks and a drink. Anyways, we picked up another friend and returned to the house to find a lot of alcohol waiting for us.

The rest of the night consisted in drinking, playing wii, drinking while playing wii, beirut, dringa, smoking, and drinking. We also had a discussion, really just me and Maine Guy's roommate about facebook. He wasn't sure if he could call this girl because they weren't friends on facebook, so he wasn't sure if they were really friends at all. It night also involved one person (the Maine Guy) puking at least 8 times. I have no idea how no one else did. He also asked me for "warm ice cubes." I didn't know what to do. I think we all passed out around 3am, not bad considering we started around 7:00. That's a solid 8 hours. Any ways, here is what you are all waiting for.

The First Annual New Hampshirite and Maine Guy UNH-UMO decathlon.

1) Location: This one hands down goes to UNH. UNH has great access to the ocean, mountains and Boston. UMaine is in bumfuck nowhere. Surrounding towns also factors into this and I would take the combo of Portsmouth, Newington, Dover and Newmarket over Bangor any day of the week.

UNH 1-0.

2) Rec Center: Sadly I have decided to give this one to UMaine. Although we have 5 indoor basketball courts to UMO's four, they have two separate gym rooms. One with weights and the other is all aerobic type bikes and machines. Combined they are much bigger than our weight room. They also have an indoor pool with a huge jacuzzi and whirlpool in the same building as the student gym.

1-1

3) Campus Layout: This category also goes to UMO. The entire campus is very compact, like a high school. They also have this really cool quad thing they call the mall which is this huge grass field between their library and their Union Center right in the middle of campus. UNH is very spread out, which can be a pain.

UMO 2-1.

4) Downtown: This goes to UNH, basically because UMO doesn't have one. Since their campus is so compound like, you can't walk to a downtown. Also D-Hop blows "O-Hop" out of the water.

Tied 2-2.

5) Athletics. UNH. Yes, their hockey team has won two national titles, but they haven't done shit since Mrs. Kayria experienced menopause. We currently are more dominate in football, hockey, and basketball. They don't have men's soccer any more, which kind of makes up for us not having a baseball team.

UNH 3-2

6) Playing Fields. UMaine. Although the Whit blows Alfond out of the water in aesthetic values, Alfond has character... and a replay scoreboard. I really gave this to UMO because Cowell Stadium (our football field) is a piece of crap. The stadium looks like it might collapse and ESPN once refused to cover a playoff game here because of the condition of the press box.

Tied 3-3.

7) Wildlife: I saw a bald eagle and a bunch of deer at UMaine. That's pretty cool.

UMO 4-3.

8) Education. UNH. "If you can't get into college 'cause you lack the basic knowledge, go to Maine." (and see picture #3 below.)

Tied 4-4.

9) Vibe: UNH. Maine felt like a ghost town while I was on campus. There was nothing really going on. Especially for a Friday afternoon. I will admit most of the kids I met were really chill, the actual campus just felt really bland.

UNH 5-4.

10) Parties: UNH. We're taking back the Princeton Review one weekend at a time. The cops and UNH administration can fuck themselves.

UNH 6-4.

I fucked this up last night (I was writing drunk on a notecard) and thought it was 5-5 so we played a game of beirut for the "tie breaker" and UNH won again...

The game is 2 on 2 beirut. Me and my driver were reppin' UNH vs Maine Guy and one of his roommates. It was a back and forth battle, but when the dust settled UNH had sank all their cups and UMaine had 3 left.

So technically UNH won 7-4.

The New Hampshirite claiming victory for UNH in front of the UMO Black Bear.

This was in a UMO Dorm. Not sure what it means...

Grey Goose and Captain Morgan's... The Maine Guy... need I say more?

Stay classy, not UMassy. (Or UMainy for that matter.)

Thirsty Thursday

I got to be quick because I'm heading home for the night before making the trek up to Orono tomorrow to fuck shit up at UMaine. I got to show 'em what we do. I expect to get extremely drunk Friday night, but I'll be keeping a notecard in my pocket to document, as best I can, the night's activities. I expect to have a post detailing it all up by Monday. I hope you are pumped up for this weekend, even if it is parent's weekend. I'm sure that you will all find something to do, don't let the man put you down. And by man I mean those fucking cops and UNH administrators. Keep an eye out for a future column on that topic.

If you aren't pumped up by now watch this video of Rage Against the Machine. If this video doesn't make you want to fuck shit up, I don't know what will. Their stage presence is amazing.

Have an awesome weekend and stay safe, stay smart, stay drunk and most of all:

Stay classy not UMassy.

The More You Know

Watch the following video before you read this blog post:

The reason I wanted you to watch that video is so you understand how to read the following "The more you knows" I wrote. I recommend reading these in the tone from the video to get the most out if it. Quick note: TMYN is originally from NBC in which Tom Brokaw read off different PSA's and has since been copied by The Conan O'Brien show, Family Guy and The Office as well as several other shows.

UNH: The More You Know

Did you know that you can chew Morning Glory seeds to get highs very similar to LSD? It actually became so popular for teenagers that flower shops began to ID people to make sure they were 18 to purchase the seeds. It can be make you puke because of the chemicals on the seeds so make sure you wash them thoroughly before chewing.

Fact: UNH is one of only nine land, sea and space grant institutions in the nation. Myth: UNH has always been known as the "Wildcats." Fact: UNH's original nickname was the "Bulls."

Did you know (and you better because I wrote about this before) that you can put marijuana in peanut butter crackers and microwave it to get similar highs to eating brownies. (See my firecracker if you missed it.)

Fact: Maine sucks. UMass blows. But both those links are cool.

Did you know that Durham Market Place (the dump) requires two ID's when purchasing alcohol? So those of you with fake ID's stay away. Try Campco or a gas station off campus. The best is to make friends with someone 21+.

Fact: Every year SCOPE claims to get the biggest show ever, but then they disappoint. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't talk it up so much. I understand that a lot of people like Akon, but the way they bragged the week before announcing the show you would have thought they got fucking Jay-Z or the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Did you know that you can crush up vicodin and smoke it in a bowl?

If you get in a fight with someone bigger than you, use a baseball bat.

Fact: Keystone Light is the beverage of champions.

If you are picking classes at the end of the semester, it is okay to work around your drinking schedule. Make priorities ahead of time, if you don't want Friday classes stick to that plan. I don't have Friday classes or a class before 11 all week. It can be done.

Fact: UNH hockey coach Dick Umile is overpaid. Yes, that North Dakota game last year was fucking nuts, but he doesn't deserve the money he makes without ever brining a championship to Durham. I want fucking results!

Myth: UNH stands for University of No Holidays. (we get a few)

Myth: UNH stands for University of No Hardware. ('85 women's lax)

Myth: UNH stands for University of New Hampshire. (see next one)

Fact: UNH stands for University of Nonsensical Happenings. I run this shit!

The guys at UNH-Hi-Lites are back again. I must thank them for the two shout outs they gave me, and congratulate them for their shout out in TNH last week. I recommend reading their blog, as long you still read mine. Also, I submitted another column to TNH, hopefully it will be in Tuesday's paper.

Fact: People continuously find this blog by searching for "UNH porn."

Fact: This is the greatest song about the greatest song in the world:

Stay classy, not UMassy.

It's Only Friday

Just as a reminder we still have a full weekend ahead of us. This has been a pretty crazy week for me. From getting my first TNH column published, to reading hundreds of pages and throwing together an essay last minute to tests and most importantly getting shit faced. This is a note I found in my desk, I wrote it to myself late Wednesday night, or maybe early Thursday morning after my first attempt at a "Thirsty Wednesday."

If you can't read it, it says "my roommate put scrambled eggs in his pocket- philly late night mofo's thirsty weds! mofo's get drunck!

Yes, I realize that I spelt drunk wrong.

I feel as though I should offer an explanation, but the more I think about it I think it is pretty self explanatory. The fact that I spelled drunk wrong is the kicker. That was probably the most fun I've ever had on a Wednesday night and all's I needed was a 4 liter jug of Carlo Rossi Sangria.

I must admit, my Thursday night was even better. Like I've said before I only live about a half hour off campus and when one of my commuter friends informed me his house would be empty for the night we decided to have an old fashion middle school sleepover. So we took two of my friends back to the my small farm town and got drunk (and other things too.) We called up another friend from home, who we hadn't seen in a while and threw down the only way we ever knew how before college. It was a blast, and it was a night that involved looking at my buddy's guns, ping pong, and eating corn straight out of the can... and almost involved eating doggie ice cream.

I wasn't lying about the gun thing.

I awoke this morning to my friends dog sniffing my face and scared the shit out of me. It took me a while to realize that I was back in my hometown. It was a great night, with great people in a great town. It really took me back and I was very happy to see some old friends for a change. One more thing, don't play with guns. We made sure that they were unloaded and everything. We're not that stupid. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Stay classy, not UMassy.