Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Historical figures to drink with

So the other day I was sitting in my history class taking notes. I was in the mode where you just write down everything on the powerpoint slide, but you're not paying attention. I began thinking about different people throughout history who would be fun to get drunk with. Like really drunk and just shoot the shit.

As a history major, and an admirer of beer, I think I am qualified to discuss which historical figures would be fun to drink with. I know this has been done before, but these are my personal opinions.

Think of how fun it would have been to get shit faced with Thomas Jefferson and get him really fired up about starting some revolution and then afterwards he would probably smoke you up with George Washington with some high quality "Indian hemp" as they called it. Or how about Ben Franklin, he loved a good beer... and French whores. Ben Franklin would probably get real belligerent, I mean he (or someone working for him...) tied a key to a kite in a lightening storm, he had to have thought of that when he was drunk.  Franklin also said "beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Him and Thomas Paine probably got kicked out of more bars than you could imagine. Abe Lincoln would make another good drinking partner and Teddy Roosevelt probably had a bunch of great stories from his time as the New York City police commissioner in the 1890's. Winston Churchill would definitely be a top 5 pick for me after I discovered his response to "Sir, you're drunk!" was "Madam, you're ugly; But at least I'll be sober in the morning." Good times would be had by all.

But there are other people who I would have liked to get drunk and then watch them get their ass kicked. Hitler is the obvious choice. I would have loved to see Hitler get his ass kicked. And then I would push him off a bridge. Or Joe McCarthy. I would point out some big dudes at the bar and tell him there were communists who hated America. He would try and start shit and get his ass kicked all the way back to Wisconsin. (I'm assuming we wouldn't be drinking in Wisconsin.) Don't get me wrong I hate communism, but McCarthy was a lying douchebag who deserved a good ass-kicking.

As for people who are still living, George W. Bush would be fun too, except he would probably try and start a fight with the table across the room just because he thought they might try and fight us. That could lead to a real messy situation. Bill Clinton would probably be real fun, but he seems like he would be the type of guy would leave with the first chick who flirted with him. Bro's before hoes, Billy! I bet Hillary would show up right when he was about to leave and kick the shit out of him. I can't leave out Obama, he seems like he knows how to have a fun time, especially with Biden around.

Other people (dead or alive) I would like to have a beer or two or 10 with include: Stephan Colbert, Zach Galifianakis, Hunter S Thompson, Johnny Cash, Eugene Hutz, Warren Zevon (pretty much any classic rocker for that matter), and Megan Fox. (That should go without saying...)

Who would you like to get drunk with?

Stay classy, not UMassy.


  1. Andre the Giant, no doubt. He once drank 150+ beers in a sitting. Also, he would have crazy stories.

  2. That reminds me, Wade Boggs. Rumored to have drank like 64 miller lites on a cross country flight when he was in the MLB... it actually isn't true but he could pound 'em with the best.

  3. My top three.

    1) Mark Twain. Because he's the greatest American writer. Once said, “Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.”
    2) Edward R. Murrow. Because he stood up to McCarthy without raising a finger. That deserves a drink.
    3) John Wayne. Over a game of cards, to decide who keeps the name once and for all.

  4. Thomas Paine probably had enough common sense to be the perfect compliment to ben franklin, keeping him from getting in too much trouble..

    oh my puns are hilaaaarious

  5. Really Maine Guy, a Thomas Paine pun? Really!?!

  6. My Grandfather, Leif Erikson (or really any Viking), Fritz Whetherbee, Paul Bunyan and Stepehen Brunet Phd


  7. 1) Jesus
    2) Babe Ruth
    3) Bugs Bunny

  8. Ted Williams, Ernest Hemingway and Keith Moon.