Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Night as The New Hampshirite

Notes: Everything you are about to read took place on the UNH campus between 9 pm and 3 am Saturday night into Sunday morning. All the times listed are rough estimates, but I assure I didn't make this up. Out of respect for the drunk, all names have been omitted. 

9:04 pm:A floor-mate asks me to smoke with him and another friend. I am tempted to, but decline because I had the intentions of keeping track of the night's adventures and I figured one type of memory clouding substance was enough.

9:05 pm:He tells me that I "better be as fucked up as him by the time he returns." I knew that wouldn't happen but I put in a decent effort. 

9:10 pm: I put on the Lakers/Jazz game in hopes of seeing an upset. Kobe proves he is good at basketball, and not just ra.. consenting with women he is not married to. 

9:11 pm: Crack open the first Keystone Light of the night.

9:12 pm: Finish said beverage.

9:15 pm: Finish beverage numero dos.  

9:17 pm: Friends return. They seem to be in a good mood. I finish my third beverage. We attempt to play Resident Evil 4 on PS3, my friend has trouble explaining the game controls so I return to my room.

9:24 pm: Four beers down. 

Not much happened for a little while, I believe we talked of the NFL draft and the Sox game. 
*Note the Red Sox "Kobe Bryanted" the Yankees these last two games. 

10:00 pm ish: (Times are now even bigger estimates.) After I finish my 5th beer in under an hour we decide to play Kings. No one else has drank yet. 

10:02 pm: Another floor-mate enters my room with two high school seniors he was showing around for the weekend. We start to play. (There are five of us, one of the original kids left.) 

10:16 pm: I pick an 8 and I have to make a rule. The 8's were going fast and the "Little Man" and "No Names" rule were already in effect. I decide that my rule is that no one can use the bathroom until the game is over.

10:16 pm: I realize that I have to pee.

10:27 pm: One of the high school kids mentions that my room is really cool and he likes my game rules. This is the 3rd or 4th time he has said this. I realize that he is a lightweight.

10:30 pm: I really have to pee at this point. I threaten to piss out the window and my less-drunk friends egg me on. I decide not to. 

10:34 pm: At this point they all start to play really slow in hopes of me resorting to peeing out the window. 

10:37 pm:  A ten in picked. Car companies are chosen as the category. The first kid says BMW. The second kids says beamer. 

10:46 pm: The game ends. I leave to pee.  I lost track of how many I had a while ago. It was a 40 minute game of Kings and we were ruthless to each other.

10:52 pm: I return from peeing. 

11:17 pm: We begin the wonderful game of  "Fuck the Dealer." I do not have the ability to give a detailed play-by-play of this game.

11:28 pm: My friend yells "I feel like a Jabbawockee!" 
11:35 pm: Game ends. We all urinate for a while and decide to go to DHOP.

11:45 pm: We all manage to make it outside. Two motorcycle cops drive by us on the path. One of the high schoolers thinks we in trouble. I laugh at him. The cops continue driving. 

11:47 pm: We pass two friends. They tell us that DHOP's ovens are broken. I make the executive decision to carry on.  I was hoping that they were broken so I could start a street riot. 

11:54 pm: As we pass the Dump a group of three girls cross the street and walk in front of us. I talk loudly about DHOP's ovens being broken. They laugh. I ask if they are laughing at me, but they say that they are laughing at all of us. I thank them for not singling me out. 

11:55 pm: The girls group and my group merge into one mixed gender group. We agree to start a riot if the ovens are broken. 

11:56 pm: DHOP is open. I am slightly disappointed because I wanted to riot, but my sadness leaves as I bite into the first of my two pepperoni slices. The warmth and greasiness of the pizza is awesome. 

12:04 am: Happy Sunday. We make a circle in front of DHOP. As we talk, one friend makes a remake about being drunk in public. A very attractive girl comes out of nowhere and says "Don't worry I'm 21." (Debatable.) My friend replies "I wasn't talking to you."  The girl seems confused. My friend explains the situation and she leaves. We all rip apart my friend because she clearly wanted to "talk" with him and he completely shut her down. He is a dumbass and will hear about this forever. 

12:45 am:  We are on our way back to our dorm. We make fun of our friend. I start telling everyone we pass that "I am a celebrity" and that "You read me!"  I also told one group that I was Fat Joe. (If you haven't figured it out yet, I was quite intoxicated.) 

1:18 am: We are back in our dorm. Went continued ripping on our friend this entire time. The two high schoolers are pretty much passed out. So is one of my other friends. It's just me and the dumbass. 

1:27 am: I leave to go to bed, within 5 minutes the dumbass knocks on my door and convinces me to go back to DHOP to redeem himself.

1:34 am: On our way back to DHOP I tell him he better not fuck it up again because he dragged me out of bed. 

1:40 am: We arrive at DHOP. I lean up against the building because I am extremely tired. He starts smoking a cigar. 

1:51 am: We talk to about 3 or 4 girls until the right opportunity comes (1:57 am). I can tell she digs him, so I help keep the conversation going. She mentions that her friends left to go to Store 24.

1:59 am:  She says her friends haven't come back yet so  she has to walk back to the SERCS alone. My friend doesn't pick up the cue. I start to think that he really is a huge dumbass. 

2:03 am: The girl turns around for a second, at this I moment I whip out my cellphone and act as though I'm getting a call. I walk away past my friend and whisper, "offer to walk her back." I walk over to a bench and pretend to talk on my phone. 

2:05 am: They finally leave together, as my friend passes me, he kicks me. He is smiling. I am awesome.

2:20 am: I return to my bed and go to sleep.

I did everything that I could. I played the greatest wingman roll ever.  Let me know what you think. Who is the better wingman? Mystery, Tom Cruise or The New Hampshirite?  

Stay classy, not UMassy.

PS: 11:30 am: I am informed that when they got back to her building she said "My boyfriend appreciates that you walked me back." 

EDIT: 1:28 pm: I realize that I forgot a lot of shit. There was an entire person I forgot about. He was with us the all night. He was missing half a finger from a childhood accident with a stationary bike.  Same thing happened to one of my brothers, but it was only his finger nail and it grew back.


  1. haha, that is too funny! i wish i could have seen you at DHOP...

  2. I vote you as the best wingman, fuck tom cruise!

  3. that kid basically has two pinky fingers... interesting.