The United Football League

Many of you may be unaware of the greatness that you are all about to witness in October of this very year. The United Football League will be kicking off its inaugural season, which means there will finally be a professional football league. Americans have had to rely on watching the Canadian Football League since the collapse of the XFL in 2001.

Seriously what the fuck? Do the executives of the UFL really think they will make money competing with the NFL? Obviously not, because the leagues tagline is: “Where future stars come to play.” The goal of the UFL is to provide quality football for fan bases that do not have an NFL franchise. The problem I have with this is that in the first season only four teams will compete. The teams will play in New York, Orlando, Las Vegas and San Francisco. Hmm, that’s funny last time I checked New York had two NFL teams and San Francisco has the 49ers. Wait; are the 49ers still a pro team? In all fairness both New York teams actually play in New Jersey. The UFL New York team will play at the Mets Stadium, Citi Field, which is located in Queens.

The UFL also hopes to become a minor “developmental” league to the NFL. I really hope that the UFL doesn’t work because I think it will only hurt college football. Although, I do think that the UFL will fair better than the XFL because its rulebook mirrors that of the NFL except with smaller salary caps. Although there are only 4 teams scheduled to play in the first season, the league plans to expand the playing field in each of the first few seasons. The league has signed a deal with Versus to air games, which will be played on Thursday and Fridays. The UFL championship is scheduled to be played during Thanksgiving weekend.

When I first heard abut the league I had my doubts, but the more I read the more credit I gave to its planners. But once I checked out the UFL’s website I realized that there is a very slim chance for the league to survive long. On the home page I saw a tab that read “registration forms” so I clicked it. What I saw made me laugh very hard; it read “The UFL is currently soliciting information about players, coaches and agents that are interested in participating in our League. Please fill out the appropriate registration form and a representative from the UFL will contact you in the near future.”

The league is allowing people to fill out what are basically applications for players, agents and coaches. I decided to fill out a form as an experiment. On the player registration form it asked for my 40-yard dash time. I don’t know my 40 time I figured I would try another form. I am not a WSBE student so I figured the agent form was not for me. That left the coach registration forms for me to fill out. It was one page long. The first half asked for my personal info like my name, address, email ect. It then asked for “Pro Football Coaching Experience.” I have never coached football professionally so I left this field blank. Under the comments section is where I believe I made my best impression. This is what I wrote:

Although I have never coached, or played football, at any level my high school team won the state championship my senior year. I watched every game that year. I watch almost every Patriots game on TV and I really understand the game well. Despite my inexperience I am a master of EA Sports Madden Football. I hardly ever loose. In fact I went undefeated on the All-Pro level in back to back seasons with the Detroit Lions, even in a videogame that is impressive! I also won both of my Yahoo! fantasy football leagues last year. I also play the NCAA Football videogame a lot. I won two National Championships with Notre Dame. If you haven’t noticed, I like to take underachieving teams to the top. I truly believe that the UFL is missing something, and that something is me. I get very angry throw shit during games like Bobby Knight. This will only help with the league’s publicity. Some say I need anger management, I say I just need a football team to coach because videogames aren’t fucking realistic enough. Help me help you, by helping me. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.