Move Over Swine Flu: UNH's New Problem

Over the past few months something has come to my attention. I think that the UNH campus is on the verge of a very serious epidemic. It is more serious than Swine Flu, more serious than terrorists and yes, even pirates.

 Squirrels. They may look soft and furry but inside they are filled with rage and any moment they will attack. The UNH campus is home to hundreds, probably thousands of Eastern Grey Squirrels. We have encroached on their territory and its evident that they are planning an invasion. Next time your out around campus take a look around; chances are that there are at least three or four grey squirrels already watching your every move. These squirrels are natural born killers and they have the ability to attack in unison. The squirrels aren’t afraid of us; they cross our path and stare us down with eyes that are darker than Satan’s.  If we aren’t careful this could be a real life version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, only with squirrels. Our only hope is that enough students leave for summer break before the attack. Hopefully it will relieve the tension so in the fall we can walk outside in peace. It is only time before a drunk kid hits one with a rock that will be the tipping point. Apparently there is one way to control the squirrel problem: get 'em drunk! 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

The Truthiness of UNH

Let me start off this article about UNH’s truthiness  by saying I am double tasking while writing this. I am not only writing, but also playing videogames. Double tasking is a huge part of my daily basis, and most students here at UNH would probably agree. I mean sometimes I shave my awesome facial hair while in the shower. Other times I read or do homework on the toilet. College is all about time management, once you are able to figure how to handle your time; the workload is not bad at all. Take advantage of the library hours, they are open until 2am on some days which allows for maximum procrastination. 

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I just say time management is important? Yes, but procrastination is a fine skill to have at UNH and the quicker you are able to master it, the better off you will be. The key to procrastination is understanding what is okay to put off and how to make priorities. For example, I am double tasking right now so I can watch the Bruins rip the Canadians a new one tonight followed by a new South Park, which is supposed to be about pirates. That episode will be awesome.  But you know what would be even awesomer? If the pirates in real life had real pirate ships. If that were the case I would drop out in a second and join those swashbucklers.

Another example of setting priorities is the fact that I have an English paper and a history paper do Friday, another history paper due Monday and a second English paper due next Friday. I know what your thinking. That is a lot of trees I’m killing! BAM! And you thought you wouldn’t have to put up with any other Earth day bullshit. I had to watch Al “I created the Internet” Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth this week. It should have been title “The Inconvenient Truthiness of How to Scare People to Believe in ManBearPig.” Anyways, what I was saying about my essay clusterfuck, I decided to write one English paper this afternoon, the first history paper tomorrow, and second history paper over the weekend (Sunday night) and the second English paper next week (next Thursday night). Notice how I am able to make priorities, by managing my time efficiently and maximizing procrastination all at the same time. That is a skill my friends, and I recommend you take notes, especially with finals rapidly approaching. (Seriously though, take notes in your lectures too, and shut the fuck up. I don’t care how wasted you got last night). Don't over study, that can be a real concern as well, but that is for another post. Oh, do I detect foreshadowing? I guess you will have to keep checking back to find out.

Stay Classy, Not UMassy.