Move Over Swine Flu: UNH's New Problem

Over the past few months something has come to my attention. I think that the UNH campus is on the verge of a very serious epidemic. It is more serious than Swine Flu, more serious than terrorists and yes, even pirates.

 Squirrels. They may look soft and furry but inside they are filled with rage and any moment they will attack. The UNH campus is home to hundreds, probably thousands of Eastern Grey Squirrels. We have encroached on their territory and its evident that they are planning an invasion. Next time your out around campus take a look around; chances are that there are at least three or four grey squirrels already watching your every move. These squirrels are natural born killers and they have the ability to attack in unison. The squirrels aren’t afraid of us; they cross our path and stare us down with eyes that are darker than Satan’s.  If we aren’t careful this could be a real life version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, only with squirrels. Our only hope is that enough students leave for summer break before the attack. Hopefully it will relieve the tension so in the fall we can walk outside in peace. It is only time before a drunk kid hits one with a rock that will be the tipping point. Apparently there is one way to control the squirrel problem: get 'em drunk! 

Stay classy, not UMassy.