Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sober Week

For a while now I have been thinking about writing a post about my experiences doing a “Sober Week.” It was going to be a timeline/narrative about a week in which I restrained from drugs (weed) and alcohol (including wine). I decided that a week that included a visit home would be best because I’m not 21 so I can’t drink around my parents. I ended up deciding to give it a shot for Thanksgiving weekend, because I would be home Wednesday morning to Sunday night so that would limit my drinking, and obviously, any “weeding” situations.  I decided to start on that Tuesday and finish off the following Tuesday. So I was sure to make Monday extra fun pounding Miller High-Lifes and using the Investigative Journalist to do some hardcore investigation. I made sure to finish up before midnight so Tuesday could count towards Sober Week.

Night One Tuesday: 8:00PM (20 hours sober):
I realize that I have a bunch beers left in my fridge. Never in my life/in my time at college had I had beer in my fridge for over a week and I so I never learned how long it can last. I decide it is too great a risk to leave in there for the duration of Thanksgiving break. Therefore I threw back a few, but I left one, a number I was willing to sacrifice. I decide that this was an emergency to prevent stale beer so therefore it wouldn’t count against sober week. I had made it threw the first day.

Day Two Wednesday: 2:30PM (38.5 hours sober)
I am playing hide-and-seek with two younger cousins. I realize that it would be way better if I was bakedest maximus.

Night Two Wednesday: 8PM (44 hours sober)
I am at my brother’s apartment before going to see the new Warren Miller ski movie in Portsmouth. A Rolling Rock beer is placed in front me. In fear of it going warm I drink it down. Crisis averted. So was once again it was an emergency so my sober streak continues.

Day Three: Thursday: 4PM Thanksgiving: (64 hours sober)
I’m at my aunt and uncle’s in Maine. My brother slips a few shots of rum into my diet Pepsi. None of the adults notice. Plus 5 ninja points for him. I can’t waist a perfectly good soda so I am forced to drink it. It was for the sake of the environment so the sober streak in unharmed.

Night Three: Thursday: 9:30 PM (69.5 hours sober)
Both my parents go off to bed, tired from the party and drive home. I suddenly realize that I “accidentally” packed my vaporizer and weed. I realize that I couldn’t risk my mom finding them, especially together so I come to the conclusion that I must get rid of the weed. The best way to get rid of weed is to smoke it, or vape it in my case. I bring it down to the basement heat it up and inhale; because that is the point, right Obama? Here is a timeline inside a timeline. Yeah, a double timeline. Or timeline2
  • 9:45PM Vape
  • 9:55PM Return item to hidden location in my closet.
  • 10:00PM Eat half a family sized box of Triscits.
  • 10:20PM Eat massive amounts of sunflower seeds.
  • 10:55PM Eat sleeve of Ritz crackers.
  • 11:00PM Eat cold pepperoni, wish I had more Ritz or Triscuts and some cheese.
  • 11:15PM Make and eat peanut-butter sandwich.
  • 11:27PM I start writing this. And listening to my itunes. I start with a few from The Band off the Last Waltz. As I skim through my itunes I come to Boston’s “More than a Feeling” I am too tempted to do karaoke and my parents are sleeping so I decide to skip it. Next is Bruce’s “Glory Days” same situation. I realize that I have an awesome selection on my itunes and I give Old Crow Medicine Show a few songs and soon move onto Pink Floyd
  • 11:48PM It is right now. I guess I should stop, because I can’t write about the future… yet... Well, I have investigated that due to the difficulty of typing and how badly I am relying on spell check I say that I am still quite high.
  • 11:50PM I’ve always liked Pink Floyd, but holy shit! This is insane. I feel every note in my body. David Gilmour’s solo in “Dogs” has an acupuncture/prickly feeling when you’re high.
  • 11:58 PM All of fucking “Animals” by Floyd is so fucking awesome. Wow. Damn vaporizers are efficient. Fuck. Yes.
 *(NOTE: Everything to this point was written under the influence of marijuana.) 

Day Four: Friday 10:07AM (82 hours sober)
I can’t believe I have lasted this long. This is pretty insane. Taking care of that herb was for my own protection, therefore my sober streak in still intact. Take that Joe DiMaggio! Your hit-streak lasted 56 games, but only a true Iron Horse could go 82 hours sober.

Day Five: Saturday 2:00 PM (110 hours sober)
In order to complete some more ninja missions my brothers and I vape up the rest of that herb. The ninja missions are 100% successful, but the details must be kept on the down-low for now. Be prepared for the ultimate multi-media project yet, but it may be a while. This doesn't impact my sober streak because it was for the good of a ninja mission.

Day Six: Sunday 2:30PM (134.5 hours sober)
This is right now, as I write this. I'm back at my dorm and I finish off that last beer and watch some football. Good news it that it still tasted fine. But I have decided to give up on my sober streak because I can't lie to myself anymore. I guess Stephenson Billings is right I am a no-good alcoholic pot addict. Oh, well at least I'm enjoying college to the fullest.

Stay classy, not UMassy.


  1. it is important to note that Joe DiMaggio's streak was 56 games. He didn't actually play 56 games back to back so its longer than 56 days

  2. Touche, I have substituted "days" for "games." Thanks for the correction.

  3. "this doesn't impact my sober streak because it was for the good of a ninja mission"
    -spoken like a TRUE ninja!!

  4. I just like that you smoke twice and drink on at least 5 occasions yet keep your streak active...That's like DiMaggio saying "I didn't get any good pitches to hit" or "the right fielder made an unbelievable catch on that liner so my hitting streak is still alive."

    Well played.

  5. Funny you say that, when Pete Rose lost a lengthy hit steak he blamed the pitchers for not throwing him enough fastballs. Clearly, like Pete Rose, I had unexpected curveballs thrown at me all week.

  6. Kind of sad that you drank and did drugs several times during your "sober" week. Or lame. I would make fun of you, but I feel bad for you.

  7. ^ Here's a guy who doesn't get the meaning of a the post.