Saturday, November 21, 2009

Kegerators: I want one.

Friday was my brother's birthday, so being the awesome brother I am, I gave my hockey ticket to a friend and went to the party in Portsmouth. I knew I was making the right choice, and I can now confirm that I did. Sure the hockey team won, but I can say that my night involved a kegerator and Mr. Guilty. (No asshole, Mr. Guilty was not a stripper, but it did have a warning for shooting fireballs.)

Weed, fire, ninja missions, fireworks and a kegerator full of PBR will never lead to dull night. And we definitely proved that to be true. So I'm going to skip all of the less awesome parts of the night when darts, Celtics, Bruins and and sing-along jam sessions were the main forms of entertainment.

"Learn to drink like a pro" motherfuckers.

Around one am, after I ate an entire medium pizza, my brother's roommate informed me that we needed to lead a ninja mission. We gathered and headed for the freight train tracks. There were only 6 of us who dared to make the trek to the Portsmouth fire pond to light off Mr. Guilty and friends. It took about 30 minutes to walk the tracks from just outside downtown to past the hospital. One kid kept trying to use GPS and Google maps on his cellphone. What type of ninja not only uses GPS and maps, but also gives up his location to the government? Minus 5 ninja points for him. Plus 2 for me for calling out his poor ninjaship. At 1:25 I tweeted "Being un-ninja like" because we were being way too loud. A few minutes later we decided that ninja rule number 2 is that you can never be in the same spot for more than 2 seconds. I'm not sure what the first rule was, and I think we had a 3rd rule that we established later. The believe the 3rd rule is that you must never take the same path both ways, so we made a loop. At roughly 2:07 am we reached the fire pond. I know this because I texted "Ports fire pond. Fireworks. Middle of woods. Off railroad tracks." to three friends. It was time for Mr. Guilty:

At 2:30 I tweeted that I felt like I was in the movie "Stand by Me." Which is a great fucking movie by the way. We returned to the apartment around 3am and I was upset to learn the guy-on-couch positions 1 and 2 were both taken, but the floor seemed soft enough.
Bottom line is that fireworks kick ass. And so do ninja missions.
Stay classy, not UMassy.


  1. my bad about the couch. you guys got back at 3 but i had left by 530..

  2. yeah, i grabbed it after you left. much better than the floor haha.

  3. Why don't you have a whole page of your site dedicated to your "ninja missions" and have running statistics of everyones ninja points? This column is headed Kegerators, so talk about it for more than one sentence. Also, if you stopped calling them ninja missions and naming everything (i.e. Mr. Guilty) and just called it college kids doing college things it wouldn't sound so gay.

  4. the actual name of the firework was mr. guilty, I didn't name it that.