Like a Pro: The Internet

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday issues of the UNH student newspaper "The New Hampshire." This is the original, uncut, and unedited version.

Over the past two months and a half I have realized that there is something far worse for college students than alcohol, drugs and violence. The internet. Coming from someone who writes a blog on a daily basis that should be a pretty mind bending statement. Even when dismissing adult-content websites the internet is full of web pages that are causing students to become distracted from reality. Let me start with the most basic of all websites.

Google. I ask you to open the Google and in the search bar type “do m.” Take a gander at what the first Google suggestion is. Spoiler alert: Google suggests, “Do midgets have night vision?” Now if I wanted to look up “do molecules make up compounds” I would become overly distracted with midgets and what they can and cannot do. Lately, people have been complaining about the ladybugs on campus. So you try Google searching “how can I kill ladybugs” but as you type the “I” in kill Google suggests “my baby.” Is that search really that common, or is Google trying to tell us something about overpopulation? I declare that Google is ruining our ability to finish our own thoughts and therefore is leading to the downfall of college students everywhere. (Here are some others):

If you are still not convinced that Google is taking over the world then take a look at Google trends, which records the top Google searches over a period of time. None of the top searches have to do with anything important. Google is conditioning us to ignore the real issues by throwing superhero midgets in our faces. By the way, the two founders of Google were recently voted the fifth most powerful people in the world.

Whoa, hold on a second, Ashton Kutcher just tweeted about this really inspirational video and I have to watch it. Okay, I guess that brings me to Twitter. Twitter can be very efficient if it is used to follow different news outlets. This way you can get all of your headlines from various websites on the same page. Oh wait a second, Jimmy Fallon just tweeted that he drinks Smartwater during Late Night; I need to go try some. Alright, I will now describe why 90% of the people on Twitter use it: Twitter is perfect for people who are bored of stalking friends from high school on Facebook. Now these people can stalk famous celebrities. If you didn’t notice, I just described Twitter in exactly 140 characters.
 (PS: Today I tweeted former UNH and NFL football player Jerry Azumah and asked him "What is your favorite memory of playing at UNH?" Less than an hour later he replied "Jr year at W&M breaking the all time rushing record D1AA!" That was awesome.) 

Many professors complain about Wikipedia, but I think that they are just jealous that it was not around for them. Wikipedia is possibly the greatest website ever created. I have nothing bad to say about it. For all you haters about Wikipedia being inaccurate, user generated material; it has actually been scored to be equally as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica. I use it for almost every assignment in every class, and I always use it when professors say not to. Wikipedia is the perfect place to begin research on any topic before diving in blindly at the library. Using Wikipedia for research used to be my game, but that changed when I discovered that I could study using Sporcle.

 For those of you who have yet to discover possibly the greatest procrastination website ever, Sporcle consists of thousands of quizzes and trivia about anything and everything. Sporcle is trivia is to someone who watches Jeopardy like crack is to a crack addict. Not only to I watch Jeopardy, I have the videogame. If Alex Trebek narrated Sporcle, I would probably never make it to class. So what if I am a history major and I cannot name every US President? I can name all 25 members of the 2004 Red Sox World Series Team.

 Yeah, I wasn't fucking joking.

If Sporcle fails to cure your ADD or procrastination needs, try StumbleUpon. This website allows users to literally stumble aimlessly throughout the World Wide Web. Simply click the Stumble button and you will jump to a new website based off a personalized interest survey. If the new website does not float your boat, just keep on stumbling. I have come across some pretty amazing websites and videos using StumbleUpon, but I have yet to find anything that was actually worth my time. Also, I might have carpal tunnel syndrome from over clicking.

If you haven’t noticed by now all of these websites, while extremely addicting, are just another thing college students have to deal with. They are also something that students 20 years ago did not have. Just remember this quote from the dorm bathroom flyers, “Do it now. Because telling stories about the TV shows you watched while you were in college won't be interesting in five years.” What I'm saying is don't waste these four years stumbling around the world. Go out and do something. 

Stay classy, not UMassy