Monday, November 23, 2009

Meet "The Investigative Journalist"

For those of you who read this more than once by accident you may remember my email conversation I had with Christwire writer, and fraud, Stephenson Billings. If I didn't make it clear before Christwire is complete satire, but they try hard to make it seem like they are true fundamentalists. This is why I emailed Stephenson again. When I asked him how he felt about me naming a new drug device after him he said:
"Hello dope fiend,
I am saddened to hear you are still addicted to pot, even at your age. I'm sure your poor mother cries every night over your failure to achieve anything in life. How many years have you been at UNH? Six? Eight? I hear most students don't graduate in less than a decade they're in such a stupor. Well, the cold weather is my only consolation. You must be freezing up there in that hellish little corner of Canada South. Good luck with your homework and please don't name any more narcotic apparatuses after me.
Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist"

This is why I have decided to name my new vape "The Investigative Journalist." I think it will have a great impact on future blog posts. Maybe like a summary of events about what goes on after breaking out The Investigative Journalist. Last night my roommate and I decided to test this idea. So after we "vaped' (remember it is not smoking) we decided to play some video games, MLB The Show 2009 to be exact. After realizing that all three base umpires was the same guy (this really freaked us out, we thought he was spying on us) we began to nickname some of the players on the Red Sox. Luckily I wrote them down, here are a few of the best ones:
  • Mike Lowell- The Dirty Cigar (he's Cuban)
  • Jed Lowrie- The Antelope (Lowrie->Logan Airport->planes->plains->Antelope)
  • Jacoby Ellsbury- Squanto McGahee (He's a Native American and fast like Willis McGahee)
  • Dustin Pedrioa- The Steamroller (he packs a punch)
  • Jason Bay- Roswell (he looks like an alien)
  • Tim Wakefield - William Takefield (purely awesome)
During the game I turned a triple play and I feel that it is extremely important to add that I won. I didn't write anything else, but next time I'll try to take better notes.

Stay classy, not UMassy.


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  3. You are kind of a pervert, aren't you?