Like a Pro: The Unwritten Rules of UNH... Written Down

This is my column from today's TNH. To see the less offensive (with normal English) and better edited version click here.

With two months of school already behind us I feel like it is safe to say that the dust is finally settled at UNH. The winter is rapidly approaching and the excitement of a new school year has worn off. Freshmen have learned what life is really like at college and the upperclassmen are back in mid-season form where they left off in the spring. That being said, it is still necessary to discuss some rules of college life that can often be forgotten during the middle months of the school year. I have done the task of writing down the “unwritten rules” of UNH. I feel that these are some important things that students need to be reminded of heading into the long New Hampshire winter.

1. If thy neighbor cannot attend lecture, thou shall operate his or her clicker device. This should seem like a no-brainer but there is nothing more frustrating than having to attend every single lecture for a very easy class. This rule seems to be most relevant in the larger science general education courses. Before I go on can someone please explain to me why it costs $13 to get one of those clicker registration codes? That is ridiculous.

2. Thou shall loveth UNH athletics as one loveths thyself. UNH lacks varsity teams in several key sports such as baseball, softball, and men’s lacrosse, so student fans should be more willing to paint up and stand up for the few sports teams we do have. Football and hockey season are already underway and basketball is just around the corner. Last year the men’s basketball team was about 12 seconds from hosting the America East championship in which the winner advances to the NCAA tournament. Get excited because this year’s team could make history.

3. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's examination answers, unless thy friend hath giveth you permission. This is one of the more important rules on this list. Cheating can be a very serious problem, especially when the people sitting around you go out of their way to make it harder to for you to cheat. Ask them before the test is handed out if they are okay with sharing a few answers because you were to busy at that Halloween party to study.

4. Thou shall not be stingy with thy alcohol and always giveth some to thy neighbor in need. This rule is more important for those of us in the under 21 bracket. Think of it this way, if your are willing to share a few Keystone Lights or shots with you friend, you will less likely end up in the back of an ambulance or police car. You would only be helping yourself.

5. Thou must honor Thirsty Thursday and all its expectations. I feel like this falls in line with Wedding Crashers and the infamous Rule 73: “No excuses. Party like a champion.” Learn it. Remember it. Live it.

6. Thou must be supportive wingman and never covet the same girl as thy neighbor. That is just downright disrespectful and the ultimate freshmen move. True friends will always help each other out.

7. Thou must not be obnoxious whilst walking home from a party or thou will be arrested. There is nothing more suspicious than someone stumbling down Madbury, Strafford or Garrison Ave shouting at cars and people as the pass by. The only thing worse than you getting arrested would be the police finding out where you were and shutting down that party. Learn how to control yourself after a few drinks or do not drink at all.

8. If thou is hosting a gathering limit thy song “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus to no more than three plays per hour. No more, and preferable less. Not 4. 5 is right out. The number of thy song's playing must be 3. And 3 is the number of the times thy song may be played. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail... anyone? Yes?) I understand that for some reason females love this song but it is important for DJ’s to keep a good mix going. Really, no song should be played more than once in an entire night, but sometimes drastic measures must be taken in order to keep people on the dance floor.

I hope that none of these rules are new to you because they should be common sense. I did this simply as a friendly reminder as we head into these long winter months. There are dozens of other unwritten rules of UNH and college life in general but following these rules will make you a better student, a better person and a better friend. Use these as guidelines to help create a friendlier and healthier atmosphere around campus.

Stay classy, not UMassy.