Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dear Freshmen,

Hello, I am the New Hampshirite. I am awesome and you should read this blog on a daily basis. I write about the "goings on" here at UNH as well as other things that I think fellow students may take interest in. I am a one-man writer, editor, and genius and I am also required to say that I am unaffiliated with any school or student organization (although I have been offered the a position as a columnist for TNH, which I turned down). Okay, so I’m not required to say that but it makes me feel more important and a weird self-loathing way. I am sarcastic, witty and 100% honest most of the time. I take this blog seriously so I hope that you get something out of it. (Even if that something just solidifies how much you hate the blog or me.)

Anyways, back to the point of this post. I have decided to take that time out of a lovely summer day to write this letter to the incoming freshman class here at UNH…. Whoa UNH Class of 2013 welcome! And shut the fuck up and listen closely. Pay attention and you might learn a thing or two. Yeah, I know that learning and the summer shouldn’t ever be combined but what you are about to read could save you from probation or even loss or housing or expulsion. I have also included some other tips about regular campus life. A lot of this may seem obvious but just wait, you'll be surprised what kids will get in trouble for and how they get caught.

Respect quiet hours. This seems obvious but you wouldn’t believe how many times this has lead to kids getting busted. Just keep the music and drunken ramblings at a reasonable level. I will go into more depth in my follow up post on how to beat the RA’s and the housing system. Stay tuned.

Do not smoke weed in your room or someone else’s. What are you an idiot? Buy a vaporizer, it is much healthier, smokeless and almost odorless. Fresh popcorn will cover any sent. If you don’t have the money make friends with someone with an apartment, or who lives in the Gables, or even the SERCS if you don’t. Those are much better (and safer) smoking environments. And definitely do not smoke in the woods, especially on the dirt path near Stillings. I almost got arrested there and I wasn’t even smoking. (I wrote about this in one of my firsts posts called “UNH Cops.”)

Play intramural sports, they don’t take up too much time and are a lot of fun. They are something for you to do between classes and drinking time. The coed leagues are great, just be aware that if you are faced up against a broomball goalie you can’t score on, it just may be yours truly.

Try going to a few rush week events. Even if you don’t think Greek life is for you it can still be fun and a good way to meet a lot of people. And get shit faced. I didn’t join any frats (It wasn’t my thing. I don’t feel that I have to pay for my friends). That being said a few of my friends did join frats and it seemed to work out well for them. I guess what I’m saying is to try something for yourself before making up your mind. Just because you didn’t party in high school doesn’t you mean you can’t in college. (And vice-versa for those of you who barely got in here. You know who you are.)

Take advantage of our wonderful dining halls by sneaking food out. Think of it this way, we have to pay for unlimited meal plans so we should be able to eat in our room if you want to. Just don’t get caught. Baggy sweatshirts or jackets work well.

Never, I repeat never, play beer cup beirut. Always always always use water cups and drink on the side. For two reasons: 1) it is much easier to stash a drink per person then 12-20 cups. And 2) is it far less likely you will get mono. And always wash your hands people.

While playing drinking games in your room don't yell "Drink up fucker!" or any variation of the word drink. Never say, "I'm so wasted" because you're not.

Don't plaster your room with beer memorabilia. Keeping some empty liquor bottles on your shelf is fine, but posters, beer lights, and the one liners from Keystone 30 racks are not necessary. You don't have to show off all your shit. No one cares.

If you are going to puke (it happens to the best of us, don't worry) do it in a trashcan, or toilet, or shower stall, not on the hallway or bathroom floor or especially a doom room rug. It will smell. Last year I believe at least 8 or so poeple puked on my rug and my room smelt horrible to say the least. And we had carpet cleaner.

Do not play the same 3 songs over and over again at full volume, it will make everyone hate you especially if any of the follwing songs are used: "College" by Asher Roth, "Paper Planes" by MIA, that fucking Kid Rock song where he ruined "Werewolves of London" and" Sweet Home Alabama" (I almost murdered my roommate when he played that), that other shitty song that ruined that other old song, any Kanye West (the guy is D-bag, don't support him), or your own beat that you made with garage band. Cool, you pressed 3 keys rhythmically and you made a beat. Now shut it off and go outside.

I'm sure I will think of more tips soon. Enjoy the rest of the summer. I look foward to watching you all order your first drunk pizza slice from D-Hop in September.Be sure to add me on facebook (as New Hampshirite) follow me on twitter (use the link on the top right) and also my email is Questions and comments are always helpful. You can also comment on each post anonymously or with a fake ID so I know I have more then a few dedicated readers. Also, the blog now has had over 4,000 visitors, I wasn't sure it would hit that over the summer. Once school picks up again I expect to resume getting a few hundred hits a day as I saw at the end of the semester, although I do expect to see an increase in readers from last year.

Stay classy, not UMassy.
I would just like to say a few things. This has been a crazy hectic summer for me and I haven't had internet access at my house for over a month. In short, people were going to buy my house, so we cancelled our internet and set up our computer at a barn where our new house is being built. The people didn't buy the house and the computer remains at that barn. We never got internet back at my house so I can't use my laptop either. This is why I haven't been posting too much, but I promise once the school year resumes you can expect daily posts as you saw last semester. Thanks for your patience, and I do apologize.


  1. sounds like i may have to get a vape. good to know.

  2. I'm glad you feel like bringing UNH back to its glory days...we all do. But honestly you seem like a pathetic dude, trying to be more assholish than he really is to seem cool to all the incoming freshman. You're "ridiculous" party stories are pathetic, your references to Mystery are pathetic, and hiding your identity to unexpectedly reveal yourself to a girl you hope to get with is pathetic. Get a fucking life.

    Oh, and blogging about everyday UNH shit, that every other college student knows about is fucking pathetic. You are not the man, Im sorry, but its true and you know it.

    p.s. Freshman, if this guy entertains you, go ahead reading. Either way though, you will not need any of his tips after a weeks worth of living in the dorms. You're not retarded, you just haven't been to college yet. I'm sure you don't like being treated like child.

    it really really irritates me that you think you're the shit. I'm not, You sir are definitely not, and no one else at UNH is. Collectively we kick all manner of ass, but don't get cocky.

  3. I really don't think that I'm the man, I just try to use sarcasm and irony and it doesn't always come out the way I plan it. I like to try to write in different styles too. In one of the first posts I said not to take anything too seriously... thanks for speaking the truth, it actually is appreciated. I don't expect to appeal to everyone, that woould be rediculous.

  4. Honestly, it's his blog he can do whatever he wants. No one asked you to read it.

  5. I think you're funny and I really enjoy reading your blog. Keep it up. The stories about things you see/experience on campus are my favorite since I think we can all relate to them.

  6. Hey "Anonymous" commenter who has a problem with this blog and the anonymity of its author, how 'bout YOU sac up and reveal yourself, eh?

    If you're so irritated by a blog about everyday things at UNH why would you be checking it in the middle of July?

    You're like the people that complain about obsenity on radio and television, just change the channel moron. I never understood the mentality behind sadistic pricks like yourself. Frued would say you never mastered the anal stage and enjoy your own shit too much. So, do all of us a favor and learn how to wipe your ass before you come back to school.

  7. ANON MOTHERFUCKERJuly 21, 2009 at 12:57 AM

    i don't like the fact the he comes off as trying to be "the man" when only inexperianced freshman would actually think that he was. Its trickery and if I saw someone doing that in real life than I'd say something in person. If Mr UNH here wants to keep his ID secret, why can't I?

    I read the blog, commented, and havent read it since because I dislike it. Since when is it wrong to try something, give my opinion and then move on? The only reason Im back is because i wanted to see the responses my post got.

  8. Quote ANON MOTHERFUCKER "Since when is it wrong to try something, give my opinion..."

    Ahem: This blog is me, trying something and giving my opinion. That is the point of a blog. Thank you.

    If by "trickery" you mean sarcasm, then yes, I am the man. But as I've stated on here before I know that this blog doesn't make me any cooler. (Are you following?)

    Also, I only hide my ID to aviod any complications with future background checks. Many students actually do know who I am.

    I no longer feel like wasting my time in an internet argument, trying to explain my opinions or actions to someone I don't know.

    Stay classy, not UMassy.

  9. Hilarious article, and overall pretty good advice. M&M cookies from Philbrook are the best, and it's easy to take a bunch if you tuck them in a napkin. The baggy sweatshirt always works.

  10. Good blog:

    Another blog:

    Internal possession all around!