Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Zombies at UNH

There is one thing I have noticed during my time at UNH that many college students seem to be addicted to, and no, it is not alcohol. It is not drugs, partying or studying, either. It is zombies. Now before you get on my back, yes I know zombies aren’t for everyone. Not everyone likes zombies, so I don’t want to give you all a bad name.

Others may think that zombies are a thing of the past and vampires are the new zombies. First of all, if you think that, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Zombies are, always have been and always will be, the greatest Sci-Fi monsters of all time. (Unless you considered the velociraptors depicted in Jurassic Park, even though they weren’t accurately portrayed, but that is neither here nor there.) Vampires have been tarnished by the book and movie series that shall not be named.

But with the huge success of the TV series “The Walking Dead,” zombies have been restored to their rightful place among the most terrifying, awesome and even comical monsters. A good zombie story has everything you need: a widespread pandemic, gore, hero characters, characters you want to see suffer and usually a comical death or zombie killing sequence. (Think “Shaun of the Dead” for that one.)

Anyways, this got me thinking: if the zombie apocalypse actually does happen, what would be the best chance to survive here at UNH? Let’s say in a hypothetical situation that the breakout began in one of the science buildings (how about Gregg Hall, because no one knows what actually goes on there) and UNH was barricaded from the rest of the world so no one could get out.

Option one: Barricade yourself inside your dorm room. Sure you’ll be safe for a short while, but soon the isolation will set in. Maybe you are lucky enough that your roommate is there or you can stay in contact with your neighbors, but then you run out of food. Game over.

Option two: Barricade yourself inside the DUMP like in Stephen King’s “The Mist.” You will have plenty of food to stay alive, people to stay in contact with, and beer to help pass the time. But there is always that one person who goes insane way too fast and ruins it for everyone by leaving and not locking the back door. If you’re lucky, you make it out, but where do you go from there?

Option three: Join the mass relief center put up at the Whit or Rec Center. Food, shelter and other people all seem good, but somehow the outbreak has breached the doors. Someone inside was bitten earlier and kept it a secret. This always happens.

Option four: Thompson Hall clock tower. This seems like a good idea at first, but when the zombies break in you have nowhere to run.

Option five: You decide to get adventurous and decide to explore the tunnel that runs underneath Spaulding only to find a secret lab where there is a crazy professor testing cures for the zombies. It seems safe at first, but you soon realize he is out of his mind and is a danger for other reasons. If you’re lucky, you escape to the tunnels rumored to be under Main Street. You try to follow them out of town, but they are blocked off as well.

Option six: You decide to Jeremiah-Johnson-it out in College Woods. You live off of the wildlife and build a nice fort, and it seems like you will outlast the outbreak by living off the land. But you stumble across a commune where the hippies are trying to live in peace with the zombies. They’re all dead in a few days.

Option seven: You decide to take matters in your own hands by setting a trap for the zombies. You manage to lure them all underneath the stands at Cowell Stadium and by simply removing one keystone beam, the entire stadium collapses crushing all the zombies and leaving you the hero.

Plot twist! It wasn’t actually a zombie outbreak; it was just a massive walk of shame that took place on a quiet Sunday morning.

Stay classy, not UMassy


  1. You, sir, are the next M. Night Shyamalan.

  2. The turbine building out by college woods and the damn...I'm pretty sure that is a cover up for a zombie fall out shelter. Thing is a giant steel box...And if things are starting to look glum, just jump into the giant spinning blades :)

  3. I'd head for the woods where only the strong can survive

  4. Not sure if awesome commentary on UNH and students

    (Fry meme)

    Or just nerdy