Move Over Swine Flu: UNH's New Problem

Over the past few months something has come to my attention. I think that the UNH campus is on the verge of a very serious epidemic. It is more serious than Swine Flu, more serious than terrorists and yes, even pirates.

 Squirrels. They may look soft and furry but inside they are filled with rage and any moment they will attack. The UNH campus is home to hundreds, probably thousands of Eastern Grey Squirrels. We have encroached on their territory and its evident that they are planning an invasion. Next time your out around campus take a look around; chances are that there are at least three or four grey squirrels already watching your every move. These squirrels are natural born killers and they have the ability to attack in unison. The squirrels aren’t afraid of us; they cross our path and stare us down with eyes that are darker than Satan’s.  If we aren’t careful this could be a real life version of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, only with squirrels. Our only hope is that enough students leave for summer break before the attack. Hopefully it will relieve the tension so in the fall we can walk outside in peace. It is only time before a drunk kid hits one with a rock that will be the tipping point. Apparently there is one way to control the squirrel problem: get 'em drunk! 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Text-Tattling: Fuck that Shit

Incase you missed the article in today's TNH I will fill you in. Apparently the UNH athletic department is considering creating a text messaging service for fans at UNH athletic events to report inappropriate behavior. In the article the Associate Director of Athletics Steve Metcalf said, "We get a lot of complaints from parents about students being drunk and bad language" in reference to UNH hockey games.  

What the fuck!

 One of the best parts of attending UNH is getting shit-faced and yelling belligerent things at hockey games; I already outlined that in a previous post. And as for inappropriate chants try going any of the other major DI hockey schools. Remember "We're classy, not UMassy." The Boston schools and Vermont are much worse than UNH. First they took away Black Betty and now they don't want us to swear! 

Fuck that! This is college, kids get drunk. It happens. You can't prevent it. 

Hey parents, if you want to take your kids to a game go out to Manchester and watch the Monarchs. Then you wont have to worry about drunk ass college kids teaching your innocent children bad words. Also, you wont have to explain to your six year old son what an "orgy" is. Its really a better situation for us all. What type of parent thinks that any type of college sporting event is appropriate to take their kids to anyway? 

Players from the team admit that they like the rowdy atmosphere and that it helps them perform better. One player, Damon Kipp,  even said that a rowdy crowd will help attract more recruits. So apparently the athletic department is full of nazis who want the hockey team to fail. No wonder why Umile hasn't been fired yet! 

When UNH scores a goal, even on not as pretty as this one, I'm going to let the other team know about it! I will be drunk. And I will be belligerent, because it is my duty as a UNH hockey fan.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Who Are You?

I really wanna know... who are these people who want to go home? I don't know about you but I have had more fun going back to August then I ever had in my life. This is fucking college!(I'm sorry that song is too true, except for the dollar a slice pizza... fuckin' DHOP.) How the fuck do people want to go home? This is not just at UNH either. Sign on to facebook, I bet about half your friends from other schools will have statuses like "2 more days and back in the 603!!!" or "one more final and then going home!!" I've tried to think of all the possible explanations and I still find it hard to understand why. 

• School work: I understand not wanting to do work, but in all honesty if you can manage your time well classes really aren't that hard. I get pretty good grades and I still have a lot of fun when I want. Plus I write a kick-ass blog. That takes a lot more time then reading a kick-ass blog. 
• Homesick: I find great joy in laughing at my friends who refuse to go to UNH because it is too close to home or too many kids from their high school go here. (I'm sure it is like this for you local state school if you aren't from New Hampshire.) There are a pretty good amount of kids from my high school here, but I hardly see any of them. UNH is not your high school part 2. 
• See Friends: For the most part my friends at UNH (yes I do have friends) are just as fun as kids from home.  I have hung out with most of my good friends from home on breaks or long weekends. 
• Food: Food at UNH is actually pretty good. You may not realize it but UNH dining is much better than at other universities. I have a few friends who have transfered to UNH from other schools and they love the food here. Stop taking it for granted. 
• Money: This is understandable because I am poor. I could get a job here but I would much rather write this than be flipping burgers at HOCO. When I'm home I'll probably spend more time working than I do in classes. Which means I will have less free time at home than at school. 
• Alcohol/Parties: Believe it or not, some people want to go home to party. I don't know about you but partying at UNH is infinitely better than back home. Also at UNH, providing you have sources, alcohol is readily available at all times. I know many people drink at home with friends on a regular basis but personally, the two circumstances don't compare. 

That is all I can think of. I guess since I want to stay I had a hard time thinking up of reasons to want to leave. 

I will be doing a quote of the day at the end of each days first post. Sometimes it will be a "Overheard at UNH" and other times it will be something I have read or heard elsewhere. Today's quote comes from an actual fortune cookie I opened at a restaurant.

"You may be hungry soon: order a take out now."

Stay classy, not UMassy. 

This Day's Song of the Day in History

Today's song of the day also includes a quick history lesson. On May 4th 1970 the students at Kent State University in Ohio held a protest over the United States invasion of Cambodia during the Vietnam War. The protested resulted in the Ohio National Guard shooting into the crowd, killing four students. Nine other students were injured, some who weren't even protesting. The situation is clearly described in the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song "Ohio." 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

ps: I've already had a page hit from someone who googled "UNH girls porn."

Porn at UNH

You may not realize this but, I have the ability to see how people find, or are referred to, the blog. So if you do a google search and you click on a link to my blog I can see what you searched for. For example, many times people find the site by google searching terms such as "UNH Blog," "New Hampshirite" and many others. Often times people come across my blog by google searching terms found in one of my articles or the title. This gave me an idea for my first experiment. In case you have not noticed I titled this post "Porn at UNH." Haha fuck you if you're a pervert! Gotcha Bitch! I want to see if I have an increase in page hits or views by simply using the word "Porn" in an article. I had a feeling that "Porn" alone would not lead google to link the blog so I added "UNH."   

 I have noticed that several people have searched "Stay classy, not UMassy" and came across the blog. I'm not sure if they do this in hopes of figuring out what I mean by that or if that is all the remember about the blog. "Stay classy, not UMassy" is a play on "We're classy, not UMassy" a common term heard in the student section at UNH hockey games. It simply means "don't act like those douchebags at UMass, show some respect." (Apologies to any readers at UMass, I know there is at least one  because I can also see your IP address, internet provider and location. I know you are not all douchebags, but I thought it would be a catchy way to sign off after each post.) 

Now that I got that out of the way I can start off my weekend update post. Let's see... Swine Flu may be receding (or not), the Celtics beat the Bulls, Joakim Noah is a bitch, there was some type of concert at UNH Saturday night, the Bruins took game one against the Hurricanes, Wolverine owned at the box office, A-Rod has a needle dick, and Manny Pacquiao is a beast. 

After writing that, and in honor of Manny Pacquiao, I just got an awesome idea. I present to you the top five living people I would love to punch in the face:

1. Alex Rodriguez
2. Joakim Noah
3. Ryan Sheckler
4. The Jonas Brothers 
5. The Entire Fox News Team

Okay, maybe that constitutes as more than 5 people, but that was rewarding. Who would you like to punch in the face? Back to the University of Nonsensical Happenings. I was all over campus this weekend and I heard some extremely funny comments. I haven't done an "Overheard at UNH" in a while so I figured I would throw a few in. 

• Girl: "Why do you go here?'' Guy: "Marine Biology." Girl: "Are you gonna be a SCUBA diver!?!?"
  
• Girl: "I'm not gonna puke, I'm not gay!"
  
• Guy 1: "Do you wanna go to DHOP?" Guy 2: "...you.... have two mouths."
  

This weekend I also talked to the trumpet and banjo kids who play outside at DHOP. I gave them a buck told them I would be back with change but I don't think they believed me because when I returned an hour and a half later they were gone. I also witnessed a fellow drunk kid convince the owner of DHOP to tip them after he walked by. It was awesome. I asked if they knew "Dirty Old Town" and the banjo player told me he knows the Pogues and the song, but not how to play it. However, they did play "Toxic" by Brittany Spears; but they ignored my "Freebird" request. 

Okay, that was a long and rambling post. I wish I saved some of that for later use. Whatever, I have a couple of new ideas I will be posting about later in the week. Have a good last week of classes.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

This is Music

I just want to quickly say that on May 28th Steve Earle will be kicking off his new Townes van Zandt tribute tour at the Portsmouth City Music Hall. I know that none of you have probably never heard of Earle or van Zandt so I’ll fill you in. Townes van Zandt, who battled depression, alcoholism and drug addictions throughout his life, is considered to be one of the greatest American folk and blues singers. Van Zandt, who passed away in 1997, was often called  "a songwriter's songwriter" with artists like Bob Dylan, Neil Young and Robert Plant citing him as source of inspiration. Earle was a very close friend of van Zandt and his tribute album “Townes” is set to be released on May 12th. The 15-song album features a guest appearance of Tom Morello, formerly of Rage Against the Machine. I'm sure this will be an extremely intimate show in the Music Hall. I highly recommend it to any locals who really enjoy music and the art of songwriting.  

Townes van Zandt plays "Pancho and Lefty."

Steve Earle "Tennessee Blues" 

Stay classy, not UMassy.

A Letter to TNH

Dear TNH, 

I have noticed through comments, facebook friend requests and twitter followers that many of your writers and editors read the blog. I really appreciate that. It means a lot to see that the premier source of UNH student news enjoys the up and coming phenomenon known as "The University of Nonsensical Happenings."  I look at TNH as my older brother. I am the spoiled younger brother who can get away with what ever I write. But you have editors and rules and you understand grammar and you know how to spell words more then two syllables long without Word spell check and you know how to avoid run on sentences and you understand the basic principles of journalism. I don’t have those things, but as a blogger I have my creativity. Over the past few issues I have noticed some suspicious articles that made me wonder how you came about them.

In a recent issue TNH picked up an AP story about Liberty University. Hmm, I recall writing an article on LU and their ridiculous rules on Sunday April 19th, which was well before your issue. There are thousands of news articles everyday and you just happened to choose one and put it into your paper that I had very recently discussed. I wonder what gave you the idea to research that topic. You’re welcome.

In your issue from Tuesday April 28th (No. 49 Volume 98) there was a front-page article on the UNH advising system. On Tuesday April 21st I wrote an article on some general education classes offered here at UNH. In the final paragraph I called out my advisor for not being helpful at all. I even quoted her saying, “I don't know why they assume that just because I am a professor I can help advise students. I have my own things to worry about.” Your article was about how professor-advisors aren’t helpful. Hmm, again strange similarities… You’re welcome.

In same post I wrote about classes I had this to say about Germs 101: “Germs requires you to buy a clicker and access code which are about $18-20 each, but you probably only use them about 7 times the entire semester.” In this statement I meant that the clickers were a waste of money. And what do I see on the front page of today’s TNH (Friday May 1st)? I see an article about the pros and cons and whether or not clickers are needed. Wow, that’s strike three.

 TNH, I really enjoy that you read the blog, but please stop taking my ideas and turning them into more well written and organized front-page articles. It’s like you’re saying “hey here’s a good idea, now let’s edit it, make it longer and better and print it.” (In my mind the person saying this has a top hot, a monocle and is smoking a cigar.) I am not your creativity slave. I like the relationship we have built, don’t ruin it by taking advantage of the fact that you have a much larger audience than I do. At first I was a little upset about these "coincidences", but I have decided to take this as a compliment. You obviously think that my posts are awesome and you wish that you could be awesome too. I think that is your way of giving me some credit, even though only a very small percentage of students would notice it. I would normally end a post about TNH with “keep up the good work” but I will end this one with: Thanks; I’ll continue to work hard. 

Stay classy, not UMassy.