Saturday, August 7, 2010

Anyone Else Get This Ridiculous E-Mail?

By: Lady Meow
Dear Student,
Welcome back to UNH. UNH is committed to the academic success and overall health and well-being of each student. We are aware that alcohol can have a negative impact on these areas which is why as part of the University’s comprehensive approach to addressing alcohol issues on campus, we are requiring all first-year and transfer students (ages 17- 24 years) to complete an online alcohol education program prior to starting school on August 28.
UNH uses MyStudentBody® by Inflexxion. The program will help you examine your personal beliefs, risk behaviors and consequences about alcohol through engaging interactive tools, peer stories and student-friendly informational pieces. We hope that the program will provide you with information and tools to help you decide what role alcohol will play in your life while at college. Please know that many UNH students choose not to drink alcohol and most of those who do choose to drink do so in a low-risk way.
The program should take about 90-minutes to complete. We will track completion based on your UNH email address and your name. Though you are only required to complete the alcohol freshman course, the MyStudentBody® Web site contains health information on a variety of topics including sexual health, stress management, tobacco and other drugs, Please feel free to review these other areas.
Getting Started…
Please go to the following website:
Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments about the program. Don’t forget you have until August 28th to complete this course!
Well it's kinda TFB and a little SOL for them seeings how I am turning 21 next week. I'm sure this public service announcement will be deleted promptly after I post this. First off, I live off-campus. Yes, I do go on campus for um..classes, maybe to get my coffee from Zeke's, oh yes and to do drugs DAH. Forgot. If anything alcohol and or drugs (that includes alcohol, tabacco, and other recreational entities) brings the student body together. I don't see how this applies to me especially when transfers cannot even live on-campus and how it was addressed to the mass e-mail list of "Transfer Students" and I think freshman if I read that correctly.

I took it upon myself, seeings how I'm bored at work to take this little adventure down to stickynotes, USA:

Here what it is exactly. I'm going through this as I write. First page has stickynotes you can click on of 1st Year Students: Required Alcohol Course, Greeks: Required Alcohol Course (hah), Faculty & Staff, and Parents. No where do I see "transfer students" shouldn't I have gotten this last semester? Maybe cause its the fall thing. Fine, I click on 1st year students I suppose...

I get redirected to, their webpage looks like Compton graffiti gone uptight-classy trying to draw the likeness of the student in, aw how clever. Just give me arial font and your bulleted answers and I'll be all set there chief. Now I have to give a user name. Fab. So I use my personal name and word of passage. Then it proceeds to ask me other miscellaneous questions as this is if I'm voting or something. Why does race matter? I think we should all fuck until we're the same color quite honestly.

After my login stuff is all set, I get directed to a page where there is another series of stickynotes and they include: Alcohol, Sexual Health (use a condom), Drugs (your choice, your problem?), Tabacco (they have goddamn warning label on each product, read it.), Nutrition (Kurt's Cheesy Fries?), and Stress (Naps are great). I thought I only signed up for alcohol one. So I'm only doing that one in this post. I click and I get this wonderful message: "In the following screens you will be presented with a series of assessment questions." Are you kidding me? What happens if I personally fail? I like to drink casually, I like to drink to get drunk, I like alcohol period. Leave me alone. Moving on...

Alright so the first series of questions has to do with alcohol use in the past, yes of course, and then it asks me in the past 30 days. Like how the fuck am I supposed to remember 'on average' mind you, of how many drinks I've had? I don't take a measuring cup and count. Who does? Maybe bartenders? No. I don't see how many people can answer this question accurately. Lets go with atleast 50? I don't know honestly, its summer, you do the math. Hold up! Actually there is a way! Only works with beer cans as far as I know, so its called creating a wizard staff! You duct tape all the beer cans you had together and create a staff so that way when your bro says, "Hey I've had x-amount of beers already you need to catch up bro!" Well now you can call your buddy out and say, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He can't. You win, he loses and I proceed on.
Okay that was pretty quick, it basically asked how many drinks I had per day (Sun, Mon, Tues, etc). I gave my digits and then it gave me a result. I laughed aloud. PS, it's summer and this is the first summmer I have worked part-time in three years instead of full-time. Give me a break, of course I'm consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

My results:

Drinks Per Week
You perceive that other college students have 7 drinks in a typical week. This is more than college students actually drink. College students consume 6 drinks in a typical week. I was wicked close. Eat me.
Your response indicates that you're drinking 24 drinks in a typical week. You drink more than the typical college student. Let's play a game, get to know me: I drink, I smoke, I have a 3.8 GPA, I'm a science major, I work in a lab, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be TA next semester, and I'm on scholarships. Lick my left lip, whatever.

Greek Participation
You've indicated that you have no involvement with the Greek system. Maybe there are no fraternities or sororities on your campus, or maybe it's just not your thing. If you've chosen to remain outside the Greek system entirely it may be because the activities don't appeal to you, or you don't think that you'd get on well with the people who are members. That may or may not be true, but make sure that you don't stereotype Greeks it's just as unfair to do to them as it is to anyone else. There are good and bad people in any group or subculture. I don't pay for my friends sorry. I like how they do community service though, I think that's really great.

In general, people who aren't involved in Greek activities maintain better study habits, and are more likely to practice safe sex, but just like not every fraternity guy is a clear demonstration of the link between Neanderthals and humans (WTF?), not boozing with the bros (you really just said bro, haha) or the sisters doesn't mean you're in the clear. Greek or not it's important to build friendships and involve yourself in the community in ways that don't involve drinking way too much. So if you're really at school to study you may want to re-think non-stop drinking with the friends and hit the books instead of the bottle. Bitch please.

Athletic Participation
You've indicated that you do not participate in college sports teams. You've probably seen how teams tend to do a lot of stuff together including partying. As a non-athlete you're probably also drinking less than a lot of those team members. If you participate in club sports, casual athletic team games, or have an independent exercise regimen, you should be aware that alcohol negatively impacts your athletic performance by: 
- dehydrating the body

- delaying reaction time

- decreasing endurance

- harming your overall physical health

- impairing the healing process (making injuries last longer)
(Note: I played a varsity sport at my last college and I drank more when the sport was in season versus the off-season. Where are these sources coming from?)
If you think it's ok to get bombed two nights before your club soccer match remember that five or more drinks consumed during one night can stay in the body and affect performance for up to three days! Even though you're not competing for a varsity title you're still going to feel pretty awful going for a run after a night of drinking and you'll have more calories to burn off too. Stick to moderate drinking if you want to feel good and perform well when you exercise. You know how many people are absolutely hungover in the morning at the Hamel center? This is UNH, we can handle it. "UNH: We have lots of beer."

Living on campus puts you close to class, friends, food, and fun, which are definitely obvious benefits, but there are also some drawbacks.

- The alcohol. Some schools are stricter than others but whether or not you're at a big party school or one of the Ivies (spell check you dumbass, don't be like me.) if you want to cruise the halls for booze, chances are you'll be able to find it. If your residence is like many, drinking opportunities are usually as close as the noisy room down the hall. If you want to pregame before the football game at noon, or just have a beer with friends chances are that at any time of day you'll find someone willing to drink with you. That may seem harmless at the time but beware of how the habits you develop in college can catch up with you later in life. I am N/A. I love my off-campus house and we booze often because of summer and I can only imagine whats gunna happen during the semester. Bring it on.

- The grades. Even though the primary reason you're in college is to study it's easy to let friends distract you, especially when your house is the party house (whoopsies). It's not surprising that you would sometimes rather hang out with friends and grab a few beers than study organic chemistry or read Shakespeare (Where are they getting this info? Why do they know me? That's concerning.) but college is about getting an education rather than convincing yourself that yes, Thursday really is part of the weekend. Um, some people need to learn social skills as well. Please see Parsons Hall.

Not only does drinking make it harder to get motivated when you do have to study but partying also can wear you out and inhibit your ability to concentrate when you need to most. Try sticking to the library to study for the exams if you're easily distracted and don't lose sight of why you're investing so much of yourself in going to school. I completely agree, that's why Sunday Funday is hangover day!

That was the worst response I have ever received on any assessment. That includes my 25% on Gen Chem exams. I think a real student needs to write this questionnaire or atleast be a little more realistic especially towards the schools they are targeting. There are students out there who are either always the DD, don't drink, don't smoke, studious, etc. Good for them, that's awesome more power to them. I really wish they didn't put this so negatively towards student. Okay yes, it's against the law, however if I'm allowed to fight for my country, I should be allowed to have alcohol, but let's not get into a pissing match over political inquiries. And of course Health Services is only doing their part, unfortunately wrong decisions are made and people's lives become at stake or for UNH to avoid some law-suit.
I believe it all comes down to choice. If you're pressured into a making a 'bad choice' well that's your problem for not having cajones to tell them otherwise.


  1. I remember that ridiculous thing the summer before my freshman year... come to find out you really don't have to do it... they don't keep track of it or anything LAMEEEEEEE

  2. Omg, this is asinine...I really can't get over all the presumptions made in this 'counseling' attempt.

  3. I must admit I didn't make it through this entire post. I think you need to understand that UNH is trying to get further off the list of party schools. I believe it was last year that it was said that UNH wasn't partying any less, but other schools were just getting worse. People like you give the rest of us bad reputations. Suck it up and do it. We don't wanna hear about it.

  4. haha i did do it...if you read the post...

  5. your blogs are getting to be like shit LadyMeow

  6. weeeeeeaaaaaaakkkk. i gave up after chapter 34.

  7. "Why does race matter? I think we should all fuck until we're the same color quite honestly."

    i love you for saying that!