Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Theme Parties > Regular Parties

I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've been trying to stay caught up with classes and get everything organized while settling in on this semester. Also, you guys really hurt my feelings by telling me that hard cider was for girls :(. Just kidding, cocksuckers; I don't have any feelings, and I still think you're all snobs for liking India pale ale. I'd rather drink Rex Ryan's FUPA sweat than that shit. As a quick side note, despite being a Patriots fan and hating the Jets eternally, Rex Ryan is probably one of the most interesting and hilarious coaches in the NFL right now. The football blog Kissing Suzy Kolber has some great stuff with him in it.

Right before I start talking about the whole point of this post (theme parties and regular parties in case you're not paying attention), let's get some embedded Youtube music! Who doesn't like listening to music while reading?

Yes, it's a Ting Tings remix, but listen to the part with Wale and the beat. Shit's hotter than Miranda Kerr making out with Jessica Burciaga. Google those names if you need wanking material.

Alright, on to the actual point of this post. To start, how many of you like theme parties? Since you're not in front of me right now, I'm going to assume you all raised your hands.

If you didn't raise your hand, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Let's make a quick list of why theme parties are awesome:

  • You get to wear hilarious things
  • It's much easier to start a conversation when someone is covered in newspaper for an Anything But Clothes party
  • You get to wear hilarious things in public
  • Less laundry to do (since you probably wouldn't wear those things on a regular basis)
  • You get to get drunk while wearing hilarious things, and then go out in public
  • Picking a fight with someone in a toga is one of the funniest experiences a person can have
  • Probably the best reason, GIRLS SKANK EVERY THEME PARTY UP. And I mean this in the best way possible.
Let's expand on that last bullet point. There is an art to having girls skank it up at a party. It happens at regular parties, but it is so much more awesome when it's at theme parties. Just so we're all on the same page, "skanking it up," to me at least, is when a girl (or guy, I guess) dresses in a way that uses as little material to cover herself up as humanly possible. You're welcome for that definition, 50-year-old who stumbled on this site and doesn't know how to leave.

You might think that I'm objectifying girls with all this talk. NO. FUCK YOU. That's all I have to say about your feminist harping.

The theme of a theme party is important. Cutting-edge college commentary there, right? And a bit of alliteration too (ENGLISH NERDS HOLLA AT ME). Keep your theme broad, with options for creativity. Choosing a theme like "CEOs and Office Hos" implies the skank factor, and works well, although it's a very common idea. Don't get too detailed, however. No one will go to a "Characters From Judd Apatow Movies" party, mainly because Apatow's characters are usually everyday slackers or mediocre people that have no outstanding qualities. That's a weak fucking idea, and the skank factor = zero. Also, Katherine Heigl's a bitch. I just wanted to say that.

Please keep in mind that not everyone is loaded with money, and has two closets full of clothes. Don't make some fucking party where people have to dress up in tuxedos or something expensive and obscure. Everyone can find budget shit at TJ Maxx (great store) but don't go overboard on attire for theme parties.

Try to make your theme party rhyme. Everyone loves rhymes. Base your rhymes off of the words "skanks," "hos," "sluts," or other derogatory terms for women. It might seem harsh, but they always work and end up being hilarious and not that offensive, unless you're an RA or something.

Here are some quick theme parties I thought of that hopefully aren't as common as "CEOs and Office Hos" or "Golf Pros and Tennis Hos."
  • Jersey Shore With Jersey Whores (This can either be a Guido party or a sports jersey party.. multiple options!)
  • Champs And Tramps (Attire of teams that have won championships recently and skanks)
  • Barbarians And Librarians (This is actually sort of common, but too great to leave off of the list)
  • Robots And Ho-Bots (Sexy robots.. my disk just got hard!)
  • Micks And Chicks (Irish stereotypes/Mick Jagger lookalikes and, once again, skanky girls)
  • SuperBros And SuperHos (Use well-known superheroes or make up your own! A little on the pricier side, but worth it if pulled off correctly)
As a final note, don't forget about the booze. If you have access to hard alcohol or lots of beer, get it and sell it at the party for $3-5 a cup. You will always make back the money you spent and almost always a profit, because people won't carry around backpacks if there's stuff available at the party. If you don't sell it, congratulations! You now just have a lot of alcohol available to you!

Try to theme it with the party. Beer is hard to set with a theme, but if you have a pirate party or something, offer rum or tropical drinks. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

If you have any other suggestions, leave them in the comments or email The New Hampshirite and I'll get it eventually. Write "Fuck you Rusty" in the subject line so he knows it's for me.

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