Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Like a Pro: A UNH Valentine

In honor of today being Valentine’s Day, which many students claim to hate while others obsess over it, I have decided to dedicate today’s column to creating the worst date scenarios possible here at UNH. I just want to clarify that I have never done any of these and they are simply for enjoyment and maybe even a few of you will be warned to avoid these situations. Also, I think it is only fair to let you all know I am awkward. Extremely awkward. I am not a dating expert, but I also like to think that I am not a complete idiot. So UNH, on this Valentine’s Day, whether you are celebrating or not, here is what you should not do.

For the single guys out there, you may be looking for a nice young lady, an orange, ugged out North Faced girl, to sweep off her feet this evening. Sorry, if that was too harsh, I’m sure Oompa Loompa’s have feelings too. (Although I highly doubt they can read and figure out that I'm talking about them right now.) YOU'RE ORANGE TAN LOOKS SO NATURAL DURING A NEW ENGLAND WINTER.

First, there is the ever-important pickup line. You want to be funny, but not awkward. Confident, but not overkill. This means you should avoid saying things like “Hey baby, would you like to be the tap to my keg?” However, this may actually work in the basement of Scorpions. Why? Because location matters. Always remember: location, location, location.

Other pickup lines to avoid include, “Aren’t you in my Making Babies class? We should study together.” Also, “Hey, didn’t we make out on Libby’s dance floor that one time? No? Well she looked just like you. I mean she was almost as cute as you… sooo do you want to?” And lastly, “Yeah, I’m on the hockey team. Well, I’m not on the team exactly, but I do sit next to Stevie Moses in class and we’re friends on Facebook. So, like I go to all their parties.”

Congratulations, you’ve made it past the pickup line. Now you need a little conversation starter to keep things going. Every college student says the same things. They ask where your from, what’s your major and where do you live on campus. Side note: Any guy just trying to get lucky says that he is in WSBE, because for some reason he probably won’t have to defend himself or his future. You know, because all WSBE majors are going to be Fortune 500 CEOs. Don’t worry, they won’t read this. Am I right Ham-Smithers? Also, some of my best friends are business majors... Never say that you’re a history major. Trust me.

If you have made it this far you have pretty much secured a date. Well done. Now if you think I’m going to share my ultimate date ideas you must be crazy, because I don’t have any so you are shit out of luck. However, I do know what not to do. These things will not impress the ladies.

Do not make a lunch date at a dining hall you silly, silly freshman. If you must because you are extremely poor, at least avoid HoCo and take her somewhere exotic like Stillings. It has weird hours and only the locals know where it is. Also, Wagon Hill might sound nice and romantic, especially under the stars, but not in February. Save that one for warmer weather. Do not invite a date to go to Libby’s on a Thursday or Saturday night, although if you both like dancing it could be a way to end a night out. Do not start off there and definitely do not hit on or dance with other people if you do.

Lastly, and I cannot stress this one enough: never, ever, under any circumstances offer to buy her some 40s to drink in the back ally next to DHop under the stars. Trust me, it won’t work. Not that I know from experience or anything. A date night should never involve 40s, Keystone Light or Zhenka. Keep it classy. You can never go wrong with a bottle of wine, (keyword: “bottle” notice how I didn’t say “cardboard box”), a blanket and a movie.

Or, worst comes to worst, wait for your roommate to fall asleep and skim through the HBO channels after midnight.

Stay classy, not UMassy


  1. Come on bruddah don't mock the biddies, fuck the biddies. That's what they're for.

  2. "want to be the tap to my keg" haha! best pick up line ever.. or worst. but i might have to use that one

  3. ahaha Oompa loompas. that's great

  4. this is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

  5. you haven't tried any of these?

    you should..

  6. lol fuckin biddies