Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Drink Of The Week: Hard Cider

Alright, I'm not trying to tell you what to do... who am I kidding? I am telling you what to do. Before you know it (hopefully) we will be back on UNH's glorious (can't say that with a straight face) campus, and if you're a guy who doesn't like hard alcohol and is sick of beer, try getting some bottles of hard cider in your greasy underage mitts.

I'm sorry to alienate the female gender here, but you know who drinks hard cider? Men. Lumberjacks drink it, pirates drink it (to prevent scurvy while still getting drunk), and mountain men drink it. No, mountain men are not the same thing as lumberjacks. Don't get into this argument with me, and don't change the subject.

Here's a list of activities that get twice as good when you add hard cider into the mix:
  • Eating
  • Watching sports
  • Partying hard
  • Partying softly
  • Going to a beach
  • Wrestling a bear
  • Getting into a fight (hard cider also starts this usually)
  • Studying
  • Wrestling two bears
Even gay men can enjoy hard cider! Don't worry, I didn't leave you guys out! Do you want an appletini but don't feel like going through the effort to make it? Just drink a bottle of hard cider! It's just like it! Disclaimer: I have never tried an appletini and do not know the taste or difficulty of making such a drink.

Hard cider goes great with everything: sandwiches, steaks, pizza, wings... even breakfast! Drinking beer with breakfast just feels gross, but with hard cider, it's just a more relaxing apple juice! That way the first thing your taste buds (after a night of making out with fat girls and smoking cloves in front of your dorm to look cool while you're more drunk than Sean Connery on a Friday) get hit with in the morning isn't nasty-ass Keystone Light, but the delicious fusion of alcohol and apples. It's perfect for those homecoming weekends, or just weekends where you start drinking at 9:00 in the morning. If you do that a lot, though, you should seek help.

Now, here are the few setbacks of hard cider. There are only so many places to get it in Durham or Dover, but it's usually available at the DUMP. I'll admit, I've only tried Woodchuck Hard Cider, in Amber and Granny Smith flavors, brewed in New Hampshire's 69-ing partner Vermont, but I feel like tasting those delicious apple nectars is good enough for me. If it tastes great, why try something else to see if it tastes better? That's called greed, and there's no place for that in the mind of a college student. You have a very limited source of money and no one wants to gamble $10 on something that ends up tasting like that bullshit India Pale Ale. I hate that shit.

The Woodchuck Hard Cider (go to the website and look around, THEY HAVE FUCKING KEGS OF THE STUFF I ALMOST SHIT MYSELF WHEN I FOUND THAT OUT) flavors are great, and I'm not sure if they have any more, but I'll tell you that the Amber one is much more sweeter than the Granny Smith one, which is bitter and tart, but still good. Another drawback is the ridiculous amount of sugar in these things, and the fact that it gives you a bitch of a hangover if you don't drink your water before bed. Now, you're wondering, "Rusty, how much do I have to pay for access to this glorious drink that's manly but doesn't taste like balls at the same time?" Well, they only come in 6-packs, and they're about $7 each, which seems rather expensive. I will tell you this though: the alcohol content in each bottle is usually in the range of 5%, and regular light beers like Bud Light or Keystone Light are about 4.2%. It may not seem like much, but if you're someone who doesn't need a lot to get drunk (like me) you can be set for the night with a 6-pack of this shit. It's fucking gold. GOLD.

If you buy hard cider from the DUMP or any stores around campus, the demand increases, so the supply does too. They'll offer more flavors since people are buying more and also (possibly) lower the price a bit if it gets really popular. Of course, this is my ideal, demented view of what should happen and probably not what will happen. Either way, $7 isn't bad for something that you can get drunk off of while still liking the taste of it. I'm fucking looking at you, Natural Light and Busch Light. Stop drinking that shit and get some respect.

Finally, I just want to say that I'm not in any way related to the Woodchuck marketing agency or anything like that. I wish I was though, so I could get a FUCKING KEG of that stuff. I wouldn't ever leave my room. So when we get back to UNH and you're thinking of something to drink during the Super Bowl (even though the Patriots aren't in it, but I'm not going to talk about that), get a 6-pack of this shit and try to tell me you don't like it. Seriously, if you don't like it, just tell me and I'll take the rest of it off of you for no cost.

If you've tried hard cider and hate it, tried hard cider and loved it, have a different type besides Woodchuck (or a totally different beverage altogether), or want to yell at me because you're angry at something that has nothing to do with the content of this post, send something to and I'll get it eventually.

Editors Note: Drink of the week will be a new feature for Wednesdays on the blog. Rusty got it started this week and I have a few in storage. We will feature lesser seen drinks on campus and also throw in a few UNH campus favorites here and there. 


  1. I'm sorry, but hard ciders are waaaaaay to sugary to have more than one of and chicks do dig the hell out of them.

    IPAs on the other hand have a MUCH higher ABV and were brewed, nay invented, for the distict purpose of being drank on the high seas.

  2. Woo IPA Drinker knows where its at. Its all about the hops. Long Hammer or Smutty for me

  3. IPAs are for white college students who don't know any better and couples over 25 with two incomes and no kids.

  4. There are some IPA's I like, they can just take a little getting used to. Dogfish head IPA is real good.

    Currently my favorite beers are Dead Guy by Rogue Ales and Newcastle Brown Ale.

  5. Ok, I am very ambivalent about these assertions. It is true that drinking hard cider is not girly in itself, but Woodchuck's flavor are a bit on the fruity side. I think you are toeing the line here. I recommend Magner's, an Irish brand. I have heard that Strongbow is the most popular brand in the UK and it has a badass name, but I've never had it. I think the quickest way to quadrouple the manliness of drinking cider would be brewing your own. You should do that and then sell NewHampshirite Cider, to the needy UNH community. - Mr. Wolf

  6. ps - I would be willing to do a rant or two, if you'll have me. Wolf

  7. Wolf- I'd be honored for you to write a guest post or two:!

  8. Alphabetical Hard Cider Grades (from personal experience):

    Aspall: A
    Blackthorn: A
    Magner's: B+
    Strongbow (draught): A
    Strongbow (can): B+
    Strongbow (2-liter bottle): B-
    Strongbow (2-liter bottle, warm): C
    Woodchuck Amber: B+
    Woodchuck Granny Smith: B+

  9. IPA's were not brewed to be drank on the high seas but to survive the trip across the high seas to India. Hops are a preservative.

  10. TRY FARNUM HILL CIDER! In many varieties......from still to dry to dry sparkling