Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Proposal For UNH's Budget Woes

If you have ever lived in the Gables, especially you are 21 you have probably thought or said this before, "How sweet would it be if Gables Convenience sold beer?" I know it will never happen, especially at UNH since they think alcohol is the devil, but hey, we can dream can't we.

If you think it can't be done because it would look like UNH is encouraging drinking, this is my rebuttal. North Tower also sells condoms. UNH is not encouraging sex, but safe sex. If they were to sell beer they wouldn't be encouraging drinking, but safe drinking. No more drunk beer runs right before beer-O'clock hits! That seems pretty logical to me. Yup, not a single logical fallacy in that argument. (If you point one out you're an asshole).

Okay okay. That whole beer sale thing was a joke, we all know that will never happen. That is why I devised an even more genius idea to help UNH fix its financial problem.

It's simple.

We all have to pay tuition right? Wrong! Many students have "earned" scholarships (athletically and academically) while thousands of others have loans so they pay a lot less right now. UNH simply has to tax those students based on how much their scholarships and loans are worth. Students with full-boat scholarships including housing, meals and books pay the biggest tax while students with just small loans pay a lesser amount. It's only fair. These kids are getting a free ride and taking the easy way out and I'm sick of it.

Ah, I have an even better idea.

Tax students who do pay their tuition, but based on their major. WSBE students don't have to pay any tuition tax because they're all going to run corporations one day so why should they start paying taxes now? Liberal arts students have to pay the highest tax rates because they're  going to be middle class and the middle class is everything that is wrong with America. Music and theater majors don't have to pay any tax because their going to be on welfare in a few years anyways. Those freeloading hippies.

Stay classy, not UMassy.


  1. fuckin genius. this deserves way more attention. colbert-esq if i dare say

  2. That really spoke to me.

  3. Still can't tell if you meant to spell WOES that way but for the love of all things holy I hope you did it on purpose...

  4. I tried finding an excuse when I read that last comment. I blame it all on my editor. That guy is such a rush hack job. What might be equally sad is that it took almost 7 hours and over a few hundred views for someone to notice or at least comment. In short, I'm an idiot.

  5. haha I just thought it was funny and then given the nature of the article I thought maybe you did it on purpose? Just needed to know for sure.