Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Understanding When You've Had Too Much (Like a Pro)

Every weekend, students of this fine university partake in various activities around campus. Some of those activities include drinking alcohol, which, whether you are above the legal age or not, is pretty common in the college social scene. Not everybody does and probably not everyone should, but it is no secret that college students drink. If you are responsible and have at least the tiniest bit of maturity you can get away with drinking more often, but sometimes it can be hard to tell when you've had too many in a night.

Every year Health Services releases information on safer drinking, but because everyone is different in size and can handle different amounts of alcohol, sometimes your actions can be a better clue when you need to turn it down a level or even call it a night. Since there are so many variables that factor into how alcohol can affect you in a given night, I have tried to create a set of guidelines to help you realize when you have had too many drinks.

You know you are too drunk when you leave a room and try to use your key to get out. There is not even a card swipe or a keyhole available, so clearly your basic skills of logic are out the window. Speaking of windows, if you ever find yourself playing King's Cup and your category is "types of window," you should probably put that water bottle of vodka down. However, if someone answers that category with "window pane" then they are more intoxicated than you, so at least you are not the drunkest person in the room.

If you ever find yourself drinking cheap red wine out of a mason jar, you should at least recognize that it is only acceptable to do so in college. I highly discourage you from using mason jars for alcohol in more "professional" gatherings. If you drink whiskey and the guy next to you instantly turns into a jerk than you have clearly have had too many drinks. However, if you are drinking that whiskey out of a mason jar, that guy next to you is clearly jealous and really is a jerk. Mason jars are the double-edged-swords of drinking.

If you continuously burn yourself while trying to light a shot of vodka on fire, you should stop what you are doing immediately and never be allowed to use a lighter again. The alcohol needs to be 100 proof to ignite, silly. Pay better attention in chemistry.

If you start talking with an accent that isn't natural to you or from a place you have never lived, then you should probably curb your consumption. It is one thing if your southern drawl comes out or your Bostonian emphasis thickens, but if it is an accent that is completely exotic to you, then you should think about calling it a night.

When you smack your face on the beirut table because the chair that you were leaning on somehow moved, then it is time to stop drinking. And you should probably seek medical attention.
If you try to sleep in a kitchen cabinet because it looks like a warm and cozy place to pass out, then at least you are already calling it quits. Try to make it to bed though, you will be much more comfortable in the morning.

If you try to jump over anything, including but not limited to - chairs, tables, kitchen counters, sinks, camp fires, out of a window, off a roof, or any elevated surface for that matter, then you should be prepared to have a few bruises in the morning. You are not Blake Griffin, so save yourself the embarrassment.

If whiskey becomes a suitable replacement for hot sauce, then you might be an alcoholic. If a seven-shot mixed drink seems like a good idea, especially if you think it tastes good, then you will probably not remember finishing it. If you think your beer can is a jerk for being empty, then you are actually right. Stupid empty beer can.

Just about anyone who has ever drank has had a night where they have had a few too many. We have all been there, but it is important to keep an eye out for yourself and your friends. Every weekend I see ambulances rush up and down Main Street. Luckily, I've never had to witness a friend need medical attention, but the threat is there. Have fun, but be smart about it.

Stay classy, not UMassy.


  1. funny with a good message. well done.

  2. lessons learned in maine: if you ever ask someone to get you warm ice cubes with your glass of h20, you might want to think about your future alcohol intake for the night

  3. haha more than 50% of those stories are about me!!!
    a) beruit table hurt
    b) Window pane can be reasonable answer
    c) My accent cant help!, and my friends accent well...