Friday, April 30, 2010

How to Not End Up like Lindsay Lohan

Haha, great picture, I know. Everyone can definitely avoid the hangovers, illness, and her now allegedly having HIV. We will discuss hangovers, getting sick far too easily here on campus, and how condoms are absolutely essential. I even think the womyn's group can agree with me on that one. Maybe.

Another word for hangover is called dehydration. No, not Jack Black's definition of being drunk yesterday, which is partly true. However, fact remains you're completely deficient of some high quality H2O. Here's what happens: You pour poison, mine just happens to be vodka cranberry with lime, but hey all alcohol works the same. So, your drinking with that handy nalgene you bought at Hayden's and then all of a sudden you have a sudden urge to pee. Now guys, you have the luxury of peeing in public, most likely on building (whatever luxury this may be, watch out for the UNH po po, they'll tackle your ass). For us ladies we not only have to use the bathroom, but we absolutely feel the need to go as a group (it's a thing, don't judge). Actually I lied, we don't really need to go a toilet, although we would prefer to, but I, myself have resorted to bushes several times and whenever I see that bush I recall that night then shamelessly announce it to whomever is with me at that time (bless their soul). SO, back to the point we're in the bathroom with x amount of girls (at this point seeing other girls cooter is whatever) and you may have noticed your pee is clear. Your pee is pretty much 99% water. When alcohol enters your blood stream it blocks an important hormone called ADH, or anti-piss hormone. Hence, you pee A LOT, there's no way to avoid it. Now you might be thinking, "Oh, I'll replace my fluids with my mixer, dah!" Wrong. This will accomplish the exact opposite. It just ends up back into your urine and never gets absorbed. Anyways, after a fabulous night you either pass out in a bathtub/shower like me or like normal people in bed. Then BAM! Headache from HELL. This happens because your brain is literally trying to penetrate your skull. There is not lubrication between your brain and skull, so hence you feel your brain is as big as Pete Bouchard's 9-incher
(please note: Snorting the contents from the Astroglide packets you bashfully took from your RA's door won't help this lubrication situation, sorry).

Prevention: Honestly, I haven't had a hangover in about over a year. Now, of course I 'rage'. I've participated in kegstands, doing shots til I hit the floor, and case races. However, I always know that I must legit CHUG WATER. If you remember this, I PROMISE you will be able to make it through the following day. If you're dry heaving through a meeting though, sorry tough're fucked.

Illness Strikes If you follow me on twatter you may have seen that I was pretty much on my deathbed last week. I had the pleasure of having sandpaper in my throat and a cough that could unearth HoCo. I know EXACTLY where I got this from too. I spend a lot of my time at the Dimond computers, so basically what I see is people coughing/sneezing/sniffling/wiping their nose and then touching that goddamn keyboard. I'm sorry but enough is enough, I'm being brutal now. I wanna know how fucking hard is to take your arm and cover your mouth?! In case you just can't remember what to do when you feel that sneeze or cough coming on, here's nice little mnemonic phrase for you: "Cough in the cuff, sneeze in the sleeve." I think Stephen Hawking can do that with his eyes. Not hard. I hope Dimond sanitizes those, but probably not (clearly we don't pay them enough if they can already let go a library legend). I mean there are sanitizers, to the right... no maybe a little to the left, ah, right in front of your face! Utilize them! I mean don't become that OCD person who goes through a gallon of Purell a day to avoid all the germs in the world. OH! And speaking of Germs... there is no such thing. For you kids who took Germs 101...haahhahahhahhha (sorry Corey). They are called M-I-C-R-O-B-E-S.

Before I give my oh so helpful prevention tip, I need to discuss acrylic nails. Ladies, those are textbook in-fucking-fested disease dwellers. Those chlamydia claws carry everything including the pimple you popped, skin you've scratched, the oil from your hair you've tossed about 23904832043 times today, etc. That shit is embedded with bacteria. Just please clean those things.

Prevention: I'm a big advocate of sleep! I believe my health presides over my academic excellence any day. Anyone who does otherwise, you're a fucking moron and no one likes your scholastic endeavors. Good luck when you contract mono because of your compromised immune system HAHA (Mono is the worst virus ever, the only good thing is that you barely eat and you lose weight. Otherwise, you feel like you would much rather die). Also, avoid places that wreak of disease: hookah pipes, sharing of drinks, SLS building, med lab science labs (urine & blood YUM!), cigarettes/smokers, the Men's hockey team (just kidding love you boys!), health services, hippies, Libby's basement, Knot basement, ATO's basement, Wings Your Way (thanks for the food poisoning douchelords), and pretty much any bathroom on Main Street.

Condoms: Avoid babies and disease!
My last bit of common sense to you (and what Lindsay avoided and now allegedly has HIV) is the use of condoms. Know them, love them, use them. They are fabulous. You know why? Because you will avoid being an emotional wreck like that cunt club called 16 and Pregnant. Obviously, I understand if the condom breaks or whatever you wanna call it. But c'mon, how many birth control methods are out there? I don't think its hard and honestly, if you're hammered and there's isn't a condom, don't be a moron: make that man shamelessly go down to the local dispensable condom machine! Sure, babies are miracles but most people in college would rather avoid that situation.

Now, lets talk about those diseases. I mean you know they're out there! I wish there was an instant screening test too, but you know it comes down to a respect issue. I respect myself enough to be able to use protection and if I don't have it with me, too bad , boo-hoo for me, life goes on. Unless of course its like John Mayer or Robert Pattinson. I'd gladly have their bastard child (I hate it when the media uses 'love child'). Some condoms cost legit 99 cents. So how about you spend that one whole dollar instead of the walk of shame to Durham Rite Aid and spend 50 bucks on Plan B (who ever comments advertising/advocating/ranting about pro-life I will find you and throw hangers at you, take it somewhere else).

Prevention: Ladies, get the head out of your ass and guys, take a lap around your asshole and use a condom. Your life could change in an instant and could determine the rest of your life. Not hard.

Again, don't end up like Lindsanity! Got better things to do now like have multiple orgasms (which by the way, are SO MUCH better when you have to pee! Try it ladies!)

-Lady Meow

PS-In all my posts, I highly suggest clicking on my links.


  1. Its only $40 dollars at rite aid now! Yay for generic Plan B!

    PS Did health services put you up to writing this?

  2. I know I hope they see this, they'd probably lose their shit. But no I didn't. I just think this stuff should be common sense and these situations can be easily avoided. Plugging in a celebrity always helps too!

    stay safe!

  3. Thanks for the informative & truly entertaining post! Clamydia claws??? Hilarious :)

  4. Can you explain your choice for your photo? Thanks
    Did you Google it? If so, what search words?