Friday, April 16, 2010

The Diagnosis & Treatment of the Most Annoying People in Class


By: Lady Meow
As you can see, I observe a lot on this campus. Through my observations, I group people together and conclude something out of them, it makes sense in regards to me; hence the nerdy science major thing. WSBE kids, I don't know how you do it, but more power to you. I should probably be paying attention in class; however I'm too busy thinking how these kids are so distracting and how much of an inconvenience to my life they are. I'm sure you can all agree on some level, but so far I have had the distinctive pleasure throughout my college career to sit next to at least one of these sorts of people in each of my classes. They’re always there. If you have anymore that you’d like to share, comment!
Going with the medical thing I thought it would be different to give these kids a diagnosis and treatment...so I did. The ultimate cure, however, is to not sit next to them.
1. Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS): The kid who always SHAKES his/her legs. This shaking of the legs causes the floor to vibrate as if you were sitting on a giant cell phone. You'd think there’s some sort of natural disaster coming, but the worst is that person who has a set of keys attached to their belt loop. The excessive jingling can only make you think one thing: Christmas. It's nice at first, but then you realize it's the middle of April and you're not getting those presents anytime soon. God dammit.
Treatment: muscle relaxer, or just a stab to the leg. They’ll stop moving then.

2. Polytextia – This condition is where the person is ALWAYS TEXTING. This is especially annoying when you can hear all the taps (tap-tap-taparoo) on their phone. Guess what, everyone else is in fucking class too and I’m sure the people around them doesn't wanna hear it either. Think about this...what if someone could pick out the correct pitches of whatever keys this Hollywood douchetit hammered in. They could figure out what you're saying. But, the douchetit shouldn't worry; nothing they are saying is important anyway. At least sometimes they get caught by the professor and it's hilarious, so someone with a case of Polytextia could be somewhat useful in boring classes.
Treatment: Get a touch phone, idiot.

3. Elephantitus of the Cranium- This kid always has to sit in front of you. You think you have a clear view of the notes, so you start copying and when you look back up, his/her head or giant hair or hat is in your way. No matter which way you move to compensate, it’s there. No notes for you today (and boom goes the dynamite).
Treatment: sleeping pill so they sleep on their desk. I hear Ambien is fabulous. Concussions work too.

4. Maximus Questionius- This person always, ALWAYS has the answer to every question in class. Whether it be a professor’s question or even another student’s question, it must be answered. He/she has no issue speaking abnormally loud and obnoxiously to whomever has not addressed them. This person continues to the point where the class has run out of time and you need some Excedrin.
Treatment: Ex-lax should keep them occupied.

5. Alcoholism: Usually is a woman, but this person either A. comes in with a travel mug of ‘coffee’ or B. comes in hungover, with smudged Ke$ha-ish eyeliner, wreaking of frat boy sweat, and tends to look absolutely miserable. The reason why person goes to class is unknown.
Treatment: Just come into class drunk to avoid the hangover or an intervention.

6. Disturbia: This person tends to always interrupt your concentration or attention from class to ask about what the professor just said or what they want to know about the assignment, the notes, and etc.. So when you help them, you miss the shit the professor said. It’s a horrible lose-lose situation. Good Lord, if you would just take your damn Adderall today you would have been all set.
Treatment: Adderall! Or, be that bitch and ignore them.

7. BO-The smelly kid in class that always smells like fucking BO. Pretty obvious, but stay with me. How can you go throughout your day and NOT get a look of disgust directed at you? I’d rather smell one of those guys who put on WAY too much cologne versus your swamp ass. You’re impressing no one so I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
Treatment: Fucking shower, fishvag.

8. Smokey McWeedhead: Clearly the HIGH kid in class *cough* The New Hampshirite *cough, cough*. This person, I laugh at because they ‘try’ to cover up the smell by putting excessive amount of Axe on, which, gentlemen DOES NOT WORK. I don’t understand what you’re trying to get away with. Here at UNH though, I really don’t think some professors would judge this kid.
Treatment: Light him on fire, clambake in the class, if he’s getting some, why shouldn’t we? It’s like Spicoli and the pizza: You’re on my time buddy. Share the wealth.
Currently, I’m too lazy to think of treatments for some more people but I’ll give them a shout out: the gum snapper, the person who tries to open a loud bag of chips (fuck you, Sun Chips! I'd rather litter than deal with that loud fucking thing) , the person who doesn’t attend class but demands the notes anyways, the person who always comes in late, and the person who brings his computer but uses it for anything BUT class.
Again, if you have more, share them. Hope you enjoyed this somewhat clean post (cunt), but don’t worry, my ruthlessness is not gone forever.
I’ve got better things to do now, like have multiple orgasms (the blogteam & others want this to be my new signoff).

17 comments:

  1. I just want to clarify that I have NEVER been to class high (and I don' use Axe)... now drunk/hungover, that's a different story.

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  2. oh I forgot another disease...pathological liars :)

    just kidding!

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  3. I hate the kids who show up to class... sit in the front row, and just sit on facebook the entire time... saw one on my profile page once.. nearly stopped class over that

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  4. Once you get into classes that have grad-level students in them you will notice "Old Guy/Gal with Life-Experience Syndrome"...that is the fucking old ass person in class (like, mid-thirties) who has to comment on everything with some version of "well, my experience has taught me" bullshit. I suggest a whale harpoon to the chest as the best cure for these D-Bags!

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  5. Love the post. However, you left out my biggest pet peeve. The two people, typically girls, who are sitting behind you and are constantly whispering to each other for the entire class period! Regardless of whether the professor's lecture interests me, their whispering has to be one of the most irritating noises I could be enduring at that time because it is impossible to ignore. This is also one of the many reasons why I rarely see a film in theaters anymore. Would you be so kind as to suggest a treatment option for this problem, Lady Meow?

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  6. I personally think the texter should get their phone stoned by the whole class.

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  7. I've read this article before, but in this case it was done 10x better. It was called "The People You See In Every Lecture Class" and it was written by Krista Diamond last year in Main Street Magazine. You should read more of her stuff, and instead of copying her ideas, try to learn something from her writing style (because she can be comical without being crude, something quite respected in the writing/comedy world).

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  8. Anonymous: In all fairness it is a pretty generic theme, you can find lists like these anywhere... and honestly, "Lady Meow" transfered to UNH this year so she wouldn't have been here to read that article last year.

    Thanks for the feedback though, it is appreciated. Although a lot of what we write can be considered cliche or generic we try our best to be original and would never knowingly copy another piece of writing.

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  9. And Krista copied it off a Facebook group which copied it out of a CollegeHumor book. It's a vicious circle.

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  10. Either way, if Lady Meow want to be respected for her blogs, she needs to do her research. Krista Diamond is pretty well known for her articles in MSM, and to repeat a subject she did automatically looks like plagiarism. Also, I just keep wanting to stress that I personally find Lady Meow hard to take seriously, or even read, because of her reliance on cheap humor. Anyone can write a "funny" article by dropping the f-bomb here and there and using discriminatory and sexual remarks. I find that the New Hampshirite does not do this as much, but Lady Meow is just terrible to read. Even if it's for "entertainment only," it still needs to be good entertainment.

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  11. Oh stop it, anonymous friend of Krista Diamond.

    This topic is so generic that no one single author could claim ownership of it. It's like airline jokes or country songs, they're all about the same things, but some are better than others.

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  13. no one said you had to read it. oh well life goes on. i'll go on with my studies as a science major while you journalism majors are still trying to find yourself in every original piece you try and get published. i will continue to write how i like and get more noticed for it than you ever will in your college career. so i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.

    i love any comments. and again it is generic but again for a laugh for those who haven't read this.

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  14. a journalism major said...April 17, 2010 at 5:47 PM

    does anyone even read main street mag? wait...hmmm nope! and for someone to come in as a transfer and write with no regrets takes balls. that's real journalism.

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  15. I just have to say that i agree with all of it. (that Maximus Questionius kid is often also the kid who talks to himself when he can't state his comment outloud. I'm stuck next to one in a class.)

    But more importantly i love your quotes from Adam Sandler movies, i got them immediately and enjoyed them greatly! Keep it up LadyMeow!

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  16. Love the article. Annoying laughed on the bus while reading it on my phone.... then I wondered if "Laughing because she finds stupid things on her Blackberry" would be the next diagnosis!

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  17. Someone told me to check out the comments on this because it mentioned my name a few times (shameless narcissism, I know). I am saddened to see the negative things here associated with me and would like to point out that I had nothing to do with any of the above comments whether good or bad. Implying that there is an "anonymous friend of Krista Diamond" who I send out to take down other writers (and please correct me if I got the insinuation wrong) is hurtful, especially coming from someone who I have always spoken positively of in the past.

    On a more positive note, I think that this blog has gotten more people to read, write and discuss and that is a good thing.

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