The National Collegiate Athletic Association announced in a press release yesterday that they will be conducting a month long investigation into the subject matter of a class offered only to student athletes called “Marketing 488: ‘Seminars in Radical,’” at the University of New Hampshire.
The NCAA learned of allegations from former bitter student athletes and jealous peers that the class had no educational merit. Accusations of what the course taught consisted of included, but were not limited to eating mozzarella sticks for a pop quiz, learning how to properly set up an Xbox 360 console, and “doin’ the stanky leg.”
The UNH course description given in their course catalogue describes Marketing 488 as a “deep exploration into what is considered ‘awesome,’ ‘cool,’ and ‘sweet,’” and as a course that promises to deliver a “great environment for student athletes.” The class was held in the basement of Libby’s Bar, a restaurant and pub on Main Street in Durham, New Hampshire.
“This is just like one of those college urban myths you always hear about when you first visit, but then you find out they are actually true, like the one about the secret vault under Thompson Hall.” said Chadwick Hilden, a senior at UNH and an avid Wildcat fan. “The student body always thought something was up when they heard about a class only athletes could take with a final exam consisting only of seeing how many Oreos you could fit in your mouth, each Oreo being worth 50 points out of a possible 100.”
Student athletes who had talked to the NCAA about the class described the curriculum in more detail according to some leaked reports. One former student athlete explained how the class taught him the true etymology of the word “blumpkin,” and how many times you can watch Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy before getting totally sick of it. Another student summed up the class by saying, “We used to drink chocolate milk, and shit.”
“Reports of a class that had field trips to Chuck E. Cheese’s are absolutely ridiculous,” said a representative from the UNH registrar’s office. “The University is more interested in offering more relevant field trips in our classes and besides, we all know that Dave and Buster’s is way better.”
Possible sanctions against the University could result in the vacating of wins from specific programs or the banning of programs from competing in NCAA tournaments for a to-be-determined period of time. These sanctions would deal a heavy blow to the income that the athletic programs generate. However, the NCAA would not take away any Division I Men’s Hockey championships from University permanent fixture Dick Umile since he still doesn’t have any.
This investigation is coming off the heels of a probe into the curriculum of the University of Texas conducted by Texas education board officials and the NCAA after hearing reports of teachings to student athletes about how Thomas Jefferson was indeed a President and the actual outcome of the War in Vietnam did not involve Senator Joseph McCarthy standing on “top of a pile of dead commies while holding the American Flag.” The education board stripped the school of accreditation soon after their investigation.